Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Is It Friday Yet?

Can you tell I'm getting anxious?

I'm looking forward to a little distraction. Tomorrow night is our first official HOA meeting for our neighborhood and rumor has it there are bound to be some fireworks. I'm a little nervous about meeting some the neighbors we haven't met yet and answering the inevitable kid questions. B and I have already agreed to just be upfront with people. I'll let you now how that goes.

We had our second appointment with Sage tonight. We talked about many things, but she also walked us through a guided meditation exercise meant to help me relax and even out my moods (close your eyes, relax each body part starting with toes and moving up the body, clear mind, visualize yourself in a peaceful, calm, safe place, etc.). Two things took me by surprise. First, B managed to get through the whole thing without bursting out laughing (which is what I truly expected him to do).

Second, I was surprised to find tears streaming down my face when we got to the visualization part. Apparently, I can't find a safe place in my mind because my defective body will follow me anywhere. I panicked. Spent the rest of the time trying to picture myself on the beach in Hawaii sipping a Mai Tai and reading a book, but the tears just kept on coming. Don't know what it is about Sage and the tears. Two sessions and I've pretty much spent the whole hour each time crying through the discussion.

*Updated*
Having trouble falling asleep tonight, so I've been playing around a bit and added a mini pod to my blog. The first tune is one I haven't heard in a really long time. A couple of days ago I woke up in the middle of a dream and remembered nothing except for this song. It stuck with me for days-such a great happy song.

12 comments:

Mrs.X said...

The therapy sessions will get better - I promise! Just stick with it. Therapy is a skill that you have to learn just like everything else. You will have lots of moments where you feel like you're faltering. Hang in there.

Ahuva Batya said...

Often the beginning of therapy uncovers your most raw wounds, and touching those wounds, opening up all the vulnerability, can cause spontaneous tears as a combination of recognition of the pain and recognition that someone is actually understanding and helping you. Take care but keep going-- I know it will help.

KE II said...

Just came across your blog and wanted to say hi! It's good to get those tears out I say, at least you're kind of expected to cry, I cry at anything these days, commercials, "so you think you can dance", blogs...
BTW, I really like that song.
Hope we're going to be cycle buddies, my transfer should be Monday if my last frozen bun survives the thaw...

KE II said...

Hope i'm not posting twice, apologies if I have! Just wanted to say HI, stumbled on your blog through another, and i'm hoping we'll be cycle buddies, due for my transfer on Monday if embie "g" survives the big thaw...
As for the crying, I think it's better you get it out, I cry at anything these days...

Maria said...

Your therapy sessions sound awesome and very healing. It's good to cry and get it all out. Maybe the reason you cry during the sessions is that you feel that you can truly feel and express what you're feeling. It can only lead to good things.

InfertileMyrtle said...

I like the music... good stuff!

Duck said...

crying is good. It helps to get rid of it all, crying can release all that pain that your carrying with you.

shinejil said...

I haven't heard the L. Seeds in a year of Sundays! Wow!

There are so few places where you can cry and be supported by someone else's presence. Meaning you're not all by yourself, with your heart bursting, or with someone you're afraid to burden. Sounds like as painful as it may be, you're getting somewhere with Sage.

Jen said...

Trust me, I cry with everyone at CCRM. And I don't even see a therapist there. I think my doctor has seen me crying more than not!

But I really, really hope everything goes well tomorrow!

nancy said...

Ack, I'm behind in commenting. I didn't mean to be but I am.

I'm wishing you tons and tons and tons of luck for tomorrow. I can only imagine how scary it must all be and how you don't want to waste this month. But I also know you are smart and won't want to chance your tot-cicles on an iffy cycle, so you will do what's best - it just sucks if you have to wait. I sure hope that lining is going to prove itself tomorrow!

What did you decide about the thawing?

Awww, ~hugs~ on not being able to find your safe place. I wouldn't be "worried" about your tears. I think it's good that you are at a place you feel you can cry at.

I'm trying to imagine my safe place. It's probably somewhere like Coach or JCrew - holding a brand new credit card. :)

HeidiM said...

I have a guided meditation CD by Beleruth Naparstak on IF which makes me bawl every time. I think they are healthy tears though.

At least your therapist didn't make you guys imagine you were trees, that's what ours did last week...and of course my DH has to speak up (in the middle of this calming experience) "a bird just landed on my head." BOYS!! I was the one that burst out laughing at that.

Anyway I'm glad we manage to find safe places to share on the WWW.

Spicy Sister said...

Oh gosh....I just want to reach out and give you a big huge hug.

I wanted to cry for you when I read that you couldn't find your safe place. I know some of what I think that must feel like for you and it is so hard.

I think it is so good you are crying - such an important release. I actually feel defective because Mr. Spicy cries more than I do when we do counseling together. I have a really really hard time letting the tears flow, especially in front of anyone.

I am sending you lots of hugs....