Some Ramblings

I think AF is just around the corner. As in tonight or tomorrow (hopefully). If so, things will start moving along. It just can't happen soon enough. I hate being on Lu.pron and this part of the process is just painfully slow.

Now that it appears B should be able to provide a fresh sample on retrieval day, we have to decide how long we want to store the frozen boys for. The nurse suggested possibly waiting until after his surgery to make sure everything "works" properly before we decide we don't need them. I'm inclined to agree.

Sage actually called me this afternoon. We didn't talk long since I was at work, and I almost felt bad trying to explain why we hadn't called since our last cycle failed. But given that I've been feeling bad about missing work for treatments, I told her that it is just too hard to find time in the middle of the day to drive all the way to the other end of town for a session. I need to save my time away from work for retrieval and transfer for this next cycle. She was very understanding and said that if we want, we can try to work out coming in for an evening session. It was reassuring, but I honestly feel like we're in a pretty good place right now. Even with EB surfacing here and there. B has been very understanding and we are just focused on getting through this cycle and his hernia surgery.

What really made my day though is that my Ugg's finally arrived. I ordered them from Nordy's over a month ago and something got screwed up and they lost my order. I called last weekend and they immediately ordered them from another store and paid to ship them to my house. I spent 30 minutes walking around in them when I got home and they are SOOOOO comfy. Good thing they showed up today just in time for the 8 inches of snow we're supposed to get tonight and tomorrow. Gotta love spring time in Denver. Snow on Thursday and 60's by Saturday.

Absolutely Devoid of Creativity to Think of a Title

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I don't feel like quite so much of a freak knowing that the tears during therapy are probably normal and good.

I don't have much optimism for our appointment tomorrow, but I guess you never know. I thought about posting a poll to have people guess lining thickness, but I just found the idea too depressing.

Today's tune is a throwback to my ska-loving high school / college days. If you want to visit yesterday's tune, you can click on the right arrow, just like a real ipod, to skip to the next song.

Is It Friday Yet?

Can you tell I'm getting anxious?

I'm looking forward to a little distraction. Tomorrow night is our first official HOA meeting for our neighborhood and rumor has it there are bound to be some fireworks. I'm a little nervous about meeting some the neighbors we haven't met yet and answering the inevitable kid questions. B and I have already agreed to just be upfront with people. I'll let you now how that goes.

We had our second appointment with Sage tonight. We talked about many things, but she also walked us through a guided meditation exercise meant to help me relax and even out my moods (close your eyes, relax each body part starting with toes and moving up the body, clear mind, visualize yourself in a peaceful, calm, safe place, etc.). Two things took me by surprise. First, B managed to get through the whole thing without bursting out laughing (which is what I truly expected him to do).

Second, I was surprised to find tears streaming down my face when we got to the visualization part. Apparently, I can't find a safe place in my mind because my defective body will follow me anywhere. I panicked. Spent the rest of the time trying to picture myself on the beach in Hawaii sipping a Mai Tai and reading a book, but the tears just kept on coming. Don't know what it is about Sage and the tears. Two sessions and I've pretty much spent the whole hour each time crying through the discussion.

*Updated*
Having trouble falling asleep tonight, so I've been playing around a bit and added a mini pod to my blog. The first tune is one I haven't heard in a really long time. A couple of days ago I woke up in the middle of a dream and remembered nothing except for this song. It stuck with me for days-such a great happy song.

Money for Nothing (and no chicks)

As I expected, my lining didn't grow much. They didn't give me a number, but I think I saw a 3 something on the screen. Pathetic. I do have one follicle that has grown since last week and appears to be on its way to a dominant follicle. It must not be too big yet as they didn't tell me the measurement for that either. Blood flow was normal again (2.0 and 2.2), so I'm definitely a convert on not worrying about my chocolate intake.

One of two things will happen now. Either the doc will want to add something (estrogen or vi.agra?) to try to get my lining to thicken up, or he'll want to cancel this cycle and start over. I think part of that depends on where my estrogen level comes back at today. If it has gone up since last week, the nurse's guess was that we would try adding some estrogen (or something) to help the lining. If it hasn't gone up, her guess was that we would start over.

I don't know what starting over means at this point. I have a feeling the recommendation would be to go back to a medicated FET with all the bells and whistles because apparently my lining does even worse on its own. It's just so frustrating. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the drugs (fertility related) I've taken over the past year and a half have really done a number on my body because I know my natural lining measurements (when getting all my tests done and during my first unmedicated IUI) were just fine. Stupid drugs.

To make matters more fun, all of my tests expire this month which means if we don't transfer this cycle, we have to redo all the initial blood work (for the third time) before starting again. This means shelling out even more money for nothing assuming all test results come back normal, just as they did the first 2 times. It all seems like such a waste.

Our next meeting with Sage is tomorrow. Good timing, especially if we get bad news this afternoon.

Sage Advice and Hickies

It has been 3 days since my last post, which I think is a record for me. I've gotten in the habit of posting every day or maybe missing just one day here or there. We had our first appointment with the therapist yesterday and my head has just been spinning ever since. I didn't really feel like posting last night and I am trying to force myself to take short breaks away from IF related activities off and on (per the therapist's advice). This doesn't mean I'm going to stop blogging or reading all of my fav blogs. It just means that I need to force myself to stay away for a night here and there. It is going to be difficult for me-yes, I'm addicted.

Don't get me wrong, the therapist did not at all discourage me from blogging. In fact, she encouraged it. It's just that we talked about balance and the fact that my life has had no balance for quite some time now because I've been consumed with treatments. Even if it is only for an hour at a time, it would be healthy if I could go for short periods of time without even thinking about this stuff. The therapist (okay, I really need to giver her a name-let's call her Sage), Sage, seems to think that my thoughts are in my control and I can avoid thinking about things if I force myself not to. Definitely easier said than done. One of her other suggestions was for B and I to plan to do some fun non-IF related activities that we normally don't do. Something fun. Taking the dogs for a walk, going hiking, going to a museum. Something that will help us focus on something other than IF while we are together.

Other than that, we talked about the difference between men and women and how we process things (women are the talkers, men are the fixers) and how we could try to communicate in a different way that would make us both feel better. I think Sage is on the right track with us and we've agreed to go see her once a week until we get through this next cycle-pass or fail. We'll see what happens then.

On a separate note, I need to explain myself a little. Nancy noted in her ColoBlogger post that I was really quiet at our meet up on Saturday and that I didn't take my scarf off the whole time. I know it probably comes as a shock after reading my blog, but I actually can be quite shy when in larger groups (more than 3 people) that I haven't met before. I tend to sit back and absorb until I get comfortable, but once I'm comfortable, watch out--it all comes flying out and you won't be able to shut me up! I've always been this way. I can remember as a little kid when we'd go to my grandparents' house with all the cousins how I would be really shy and hide behind my mom's legs. After awhile (an hour?) I would venture out and become a normal kid.

Saturday was a little strange for me because I feel like I know all of the ColoBlogger ladies so well. I know intimate details that some of them would never tell their best friends. And yet, meeting in person still brought out all that initial shyness in me. I'm also really conscious in group situations about letting other speak and trying not to interrupt. And honestly, part of my quietness on Saturday was fascination. Fascination that a group of women who are just meeting for the first time can be so open, laugh, provide support so quickly-just like that. And the time just flew by.

As for the scarf, well a lady never tells....

No, really. I was freezing all morning and I'm not much of a coffee or tea drinker, so the scarf truly was just keeping me warm. I do this all the time at work during the winter because my office is always freezing in the mornings. Now I'm wondering if people are walking around at work thinking my neck is covered in hickies. Ooops.