Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Mid-Week Rambling Update

Tomorrow is my last day working from home.  It has been a quiet, but productive week so far.  I'm finding that I can get a lot done in a shorter period of time because I don't have the constant interruptions of people stopping by my office.  The best part has been not having to commute and not having to get ready to go to work.  My drive really isn't all that bad as far as commutes go, but it has been nice to not have to deal with the stress of traffic.  I know it sounds weird, but the movement of turning, hitting bumps, and accelerating or stopping in the car is uncomfortable for me.  My abdomen is just sore in general and after sitting in my office chair all day, driving home just sucks. And even though my drive is only 30 minutes each way (if I leave at the right times), that is an extra hour I've been able to make use of while at home this week.

Plus, the weather has been so nice here this week that I've been able to work outside on the deck for chunks of time (before I get too hot). I love our wireless internet. I do miss the social interaction I get at work. It isn't the same communicating only through email and phone calls. And it is weird being in the house all day (other than my daily excursion to the mailbox).

Our office closes a bit early on Friday for the holiday weekend and then we have a bunch of B's friends coming over for their fantasy football draft. It happens to coincide with my family fantasy football draft, so it might be a bit crazy here Friday night. And I might be screaming at the computer given that I'm LAST in the draft order two years in a row. Oh, the injustice!

I'm really looking forward to Saturday and my haircut and massage. I'm actually proud of myself for not just taking the kitchen shears and cutting of my hair myself. It has been bugging me that much.

Since my appointment on Monday, I've been trying to cut down on sugar intake. I think it made me a little paranoid that there was sugar in my urine because I thought GD wasn't supposed to happen until later in pregnancy. But maybe like everything else, it can happen sooner with two babies in there. Once I started thinking about it, I realized I was eating and drinking A LOT of sugar. Not that it has all been bad sugar, but sugar nonetheless. I've been eating a TON of fruit this summer and drinking a lot of fruit juice. I'm always so thirsty that anytime I need to eat something I want it to be something juicy to quench my thirst. Plus the ice cream or milkshakes almost every single night probably didn't help. Sugar cereal too. Maybe I went a little nuts once I was able to finally eat (oops). I need to relax about it though because they won't be checking my urine again for 4 weeks.

I'm pretty sure I'm feeling Apple and Banana move now, but it is sporadic and doesn't seem to have any sort of pattern to it. There have been a couple of times where I would feel something and put my hand on my belly and I could swear I was feeling it for the outside too. So of course I would yell at B to come feel and then it would stop or he couldn't feel it. I think that part is just wishful thinking.

Monday, August 25, 2008

So Far, So Good

Today's appointment went really well. Smooth sailing, so far! Here are the details along with some pictures below.
  • The ultrasound tech is now 100% sure that Apple is a girl and Banana is a boy.  She said she's never been wrong once predicting past 18 weeks and she promised to repaint our nursery if she is wrong (not that we'll need it with our gender neutral selections).
  • Apple now weighs 10 ounces (which is double from 4 weeks ago).  She is measuring pretty much right on target at 19w3d (I'm 19w4d today).  Her heart rate was 134 today.  She was pretty mellow and just hanging out.
  • Banana weighs about 11 ounces (more than double from 4 weeks ago).  He is measuring a little bit ahead at 19w6d.  His heart rate was 153, which wasn't surprising since he was wiggling all over the place for the entire hour.
  • They counted 10 fingers and 10 toes on each baby.  Banana appeared to flip us the bird again at one point, but we didn't get any pictures of it this time.  The tech said he's going to be in time out from the minute he's born, the trouble maker.
  • They counted all 4 chambers of the heart of each baby and looked at the location of the two major vessels going into (or out of?) the hearts to ensure they are perpendicular and not parallel (which apparently is a bad thing).
  • They looked for fluid again in the stomachs and bladders to be sure both babies are swallowing amniotic fluid and it is going through the whole digestive tract.
  • They looked at all the facial structures (lips, nostrils, eye sockets) and at both brains.
  • They looked at both cords again to ensure they each have 3 vessels and checked out the placentas and cord placement again.
  • Apple is currently head down, which means if she stays that way we could still have a shot of a vaginal delivery.  The ultrasound tech said Banana is head up (breach) although the doc referred to him as transverse (sideways).
  • Basically, they looked at everything they saw last time and didn't see anything to be concerned about.  From here on it, they will really just be measuring growth as all the organs and major structures appear to be intact and normal.
Now for my info:
  • The one fibroid I have that is of note is well out of the way, so still shouldn't be an issue.
  • There was sugar in my urine this morning.  Nothing to be alarmed about, but if they see it again next time (4 weeks from now), I'll need to be tested for gestational diabetes ("GD").  Boo!  I'm really hoping to avoid this (please don't take away my sugar!).  Apparently my morning routine of a big glass of orange juice may not be the best idea anymore.
  • My blood pressure is still great at 118/66.
  • My cervix is still looking good and long, but it is not as long as it was 4 weeks ago.  Last time it was 6.5 and today it was around 5 or so (didn't get the exact measurement).  They like it to be at least 3, so it is still well within normal range.  It is normal for the cervix to shorten as the babies grow, so they'll just keep an eye on it at each appointment.  A short cervix is one complication that can lead to bed rest, but so far, so good.
  • My belly is measuring 26.5 weeks!  That means I am as big as a singleton mom would normally be at 26.5 weeks.
  • I gained 8 pounds since the last appointment.  At least I'm consistent.  I've gained an average of 2 pounds per week for the past 8 weeks.  The doctor was happy with my weight gain.
  • If any of my male relatives or friends are reading, feel free to skip this bullet.  I finally gave in and went bra shopping yesterday.  I have gone from a 34 C to a lovely 38 C.  Why is it that my rib cage has gotten huge, but my boobs themselves don't appear to be much bigger?  No fair.
I am (almost) officially half way done with this pregnancy.  And if you consider full term for twins at 38 weeks (I've heard anywhere from 36 to 38 weeks), I'm over half way there!

To answer some questions I've been getting, the furniture is from BRU.  It is made by Ital.ia and is from the Pine.hurst collection (espresso stain).  Very sturdy pieces.  I can't wait to get the rest of the room done!

Yes, we have been thinking about names, but we aren't 100% decided yet.  We are close, but we won't be telling ANYONE until it is too late for anyone to argue (when the names are on birth certificates).

I think our clinic usually waits until 22 weeks to do the big anatomy scan with a singleton because insurance usually only covers one ultrasound (unless there is a medical reason to do more) and if they do it earlier, they may not be able to see everything they want to see.  Since we are having twins, we have ultrasounds every 4 weeks, so if they can't see something during a particular scan, there is another shot in 4 weeks.  One thing insurance actually seems to do right is to cover more ultrasounds for multiples.  Lucky for us.

Regarding the convention, I did start noticing more traffic during my commute last week, but it is difficult to tell if it relates to convention traffic or because most schools are now back in session.  I did see a ton of cop cars on my drive home Friday and on the way to my appointment this morning (even though we are 30 minutes outside of downtown).  I heard from coworkers who did go in today that it was quiet around our building (which is at the east end of downtown), but the 16th street mall (pedestrian mall downtown with lots of restaurants and shops) was completely packed.  The fire alarm went off in our building at 6:30am this morning and those who were there had to walk down 35 stories of stairs.  Even if I had gone in today, I doubt I would have made it there by 6:30am, but still.  I'm GLAD I didn't have to deal with that.

Okay, so here are some pictures from today (yes, Aunt Debbie, Apple is waving to you in the first one).  In the 3D pictures of Apple, you can see her cord going across her face.  The tech said that they often play with their cords and put them in their mouths, but those suckers are really strong.  The last picture is a little hard to see, but it shows Banana's butt right next to Apple's face.  The tech had a bit of trouble getting good shots of Apple's face because Banana's butt kept getting in the way!

Sunday, August 24, 2008


Tomorrow I will be 19w4d and will have the big, scary anatomy scan. This is the big ultrasound where they take a bunch of measurements and try to identify any obvious problems with Apple and Banana. Although I have no reason to believe anything is wrong, it is still hard to not worry. B has to work, so my mom will be tagging along. Because there are two babies to measure, etc., the ultrasound is scheduled for 90 minutes with the doctor appointment following. I hope I can manage lying on that table for 90 minutes! The last ultrasound took about an hour. I wasn't at all uncomfortable at the time because I was so fixated on watching the screen. But I was definitely stiff getting up.

No major developments lately. Here's the bullet point list of the minor developments:
  • I continue to get bigger and more sore (duh). It is getting harder to move around and sleeping for more than 2 hours at a time has become almost impossible. I have tried so many different pillows and pads to sleep with/on that we might just go broke before Apple and Banana actually arrive.  I've started to notice more strain on my hips, back and neck.
  • I scheduled my first prenatal massage for next weekend to try to alleviate this and I can't wait!
  • I'm starting to notice that I tire more quickly these days.  Shopping for maternity clothes is the most exhausting thing in the world.  Unfortunately it seems like every time I think I'm set for awhile, a week goes by and things are already starting to feel snug.
  • My appetite has gotten better although my tastes are still not what they were.  It is frustrating to not want my favorite foods and to not really want anything in general, but know that I have to eat something.  Let's just say I've had a lot of milkshakes and ice cream the last couple of weeks.
  • My belly button is now a shallow dent in my belly.  It is only a matter of time...
  • It is getting harder to shave my legs.  Is it winter yet?
  • My hair has gotten too long and is driving me crazy, so it's getting chopped off next weekend. (don't worry, it won't be anything too drastic)
  • B continues to take care of me, the dogs, and the house like a champ doing all of the laundry and grocery shopping among other things.
  • We continue to work on our registries.  It is pretty overwhelming.
  • The cribs and dressers were delivered this weekend and B already put everything together.  Pictures are below.  They look black in some of the pictures, but it is a dark brown (espresso) stain on the wood.  All of the pieces seem very sturdy and well made and the cribs convert to a toddler bed and then a full size bed (the front and back of the crib become the headboard and footboard) with converter rails.  The converter rails still haven't come in yet.
  • We've been shopping for gliders/rockers/recliners to put in the nursery, but apparently I'm really picky.  I want something wide enough with wide enough arms that I might be able to nurse/feed both babies at the same time sitting in it.  But I also need to be able to reach the floor to glide/rock the chair without having to slouch down in the chair (common problem for us short folks).  So far the only chair that seems to be perfect is a and, of course, it is the UGLIEST thing in the world.  Why does comfort=ugly?
  • We are still undecided on the nursery paint.  I know the stripes are a lot, so I doubt we will go that route, but it was fun to play with.  I do want to somehow use all three colors, but B doesn't seem too excited about doing the two green walls, two yellow and blue ceiling.
  • Because of the D.N.C. in town this week, I'm working from home.  We were encouraged to do so and I thought it would be a good opportunity to practice for bed rest should it become necessary to prove to my boss that I can make it work.  I hope I can manage to be productive instead of getting distracted!
  • Although we seem to be busy every weekend getting ready for these babies, the to-do list just seems to grow.  Sigh.
Here are some pictures for this week for your viewing pleasure.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Fun with Colors

Now that the paint samples have dried on the nursery walls, I feel like it's mocking me to make a decision already. B.ehr has this program on their website where you can upload photos of a room and "paint" the walls using the actual paint colors they offer. I was playing around with it and tried a couple of different ideas.

Option #1 has blue and green stripes with a yellow ceiling. Option #2 has yellow and green stripes with a blue ceiling. Option #3 is just green on two opposing walls (the window wall and door wall) and yellow on the other two opposing walls (the big blank wall that will have the cribs against it and the closet wall that also has the archway leading to the bathroom). Please tell me if you like any of these options. I'm still trying to decide if the stripes or using all three colors is too much.

I've also attached a picture of the pattern we think we've settle on for the nursery decor/crib bedding for your reference. It is a pretty busy pattern, but most of the crib bedding will actually be solid colors. The pattern will just be on accent pieces. Oh, and we don't plan on painting the bathroom, so the bright colors will stop at the archway.

Bring on the opinions, please!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Quack, Quack

I think I'm starting to waddle.

Sunday, August 17, 2008


One more week until the next OB appointment and ultrasound. Four weeks really tends to crawl these days. Being able to listen to Apply and Banana's little heartbeats at home definitely helps, but it isn't the same as seeing them.

Yesterday I went to a lovely brunch at Meg's house with some of the other ColoBloggers. It was good to see everyone as it has been awhile and we've had a few BFP's since the last time we got together. Afterwards, I picked up B and we went to pick out some possible paint colors for the nursery (more on that below). Then B and I went out to dinner with a friend.

Today we had brunch at my grandma's place. This is the first time I've seen her since I started showing, so that was fun. We showed her the latest ultrasound pictures (from 3 weeks ago), the ultrasound dvd and I even brought the doppler along so she could hear the heartbeats. I think she was pretty impressed with how far along technology has come. After brunch, we stopped to pick up a memory foam pad for the bed. My hips have started to hurt pretty bad at night, so I'm hoping a little extra padding will help. Putting the 3 inch pad on top of our plush, pillow top mattress has made it nearly impossible for me to get into our bed. It is ridiculously high off the floor now, so this ought to be interesting. I hope it helps.

Here's my 18w3d belly picture.

Here are some pictures of the nursery and some colors we are considering. The room is connected to the other spare bedroom upstairs through a jack and jill bathroom. We picked out the counters and back splash in the bathroom with kids in mind hoping that one day our kids would stand on stools to reach the sink to brush their teeth. We picked bright colors thinking it would be appropriate from early childhood all the way through the teen years until they leave the house (this is the bathroom that I used to take all of my shots for unsuccessful FET #2) So along those lines, we were thinking bright colors for the nursery as well. These pictures show the nursery as the mostly clean slate it still is right now. B just painted a couple of squares with the samples we picked out on Saturday to see how they would look on the wall. I love the yellow and the green, but I'm still undecided about the blue.

I know for some, it might seem like it is a bit early to be working on the nursery. And I've had multiple people tell me how much further along I am with things than they are or were at this point. But we're having twins and to be honest, I'm just not sure how long my body will hold up this well. I want to get as much done as early as possible while I still have a little bit of energy left.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Word of the Week-Quickening

The word of the week appears to be "quickening."  For those of you not familiar, quickening refers to the initial movement of the fetus in the uterus as it is felt by the pregnant woman.  I have been asked multiple times recently, by those IRL and online, whether I've been feeling movement yet.  My decisive answer to this question is "most definitely, maybe, possibly, I'm not sure."  I feel little twinges, pulls, twitches, and gurgles all the time, but I never know for sure (yet) whether they are Apple and Banana squirming around or just tendons and muscles stretching or things going on in my digestive system.

I've read conflicting reports about whether carrying twins results in feeling movement earlier, but I've decided to stop reading because it is what it is.  I'll feel it when I feel it.

But still, I can't wait for the day when I feel something and know with absolutely certainty that I have experienced the coveted quickening!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Random Bullets

  • Why do I have to watch 5 continuous hours of the olympics to see a full gymnastics meet?  Can't they show it all at once?
  • Forgot to mention I've been completely off Zo.fran since August 1st and doing pretty good without it.  Yay!
  • Got a recommendation for a good pediatrician this week (thanks KA!) and set up a prospective new patient interview.
  • The weirdest pregnancy symptom I have is the increase in blood volume and how hard my heart is working to move all that blood.  It feels like my heart is racing all the time.  You know that feeling you get when you get really nervous and your heart feels like it's in your throat and you can feel every single heartbeat?  At first it only happened when I would lay down.  Now it happens at random times when I'm sitting, standing or walking and quite frequently.  Kinda freaks me out.  I keep thinking, "why am I nervous right now," but it has nothing to do with nerves.
  • Singing in the car at the top of my lungs (by myself of course) loses some of its appeal when I become short of breath so easily.  My car must be happy.
  • I am so glad it is no longer 100 degrees every day.  Ahhhhh.
  • The D.NC is in two weeks and our office is still claiming it will be "business as usual."
  • Later this year, my work is implementing some new policies including the possibility of working 9/80's (work 8 9-hour days, 1 8-hour day, and take every other Friday off).  I might try to work this as every other Monday off instead.  Sounds blissful!
  •  There must be some schools back in session this week because my morning commute has just sucked lately.  My commute Monday morning was almost 2 hours because of an accident that shut down the highway (it is normally 30 minutes).

Sunday, August 10, 2008


Oops, a day behind on the belly shot for this week. Today I'm 17w3d. Although time seems to be crawling by, I really can't believe I'm at 17 weeks already. Especially when I look at our ever-growing to-do list of things that have to get done before Apple and Banana arrive.

Here's where we're at. We've decided on and ordered two cribs and a dresser/changing table combo. The furniture came in this week, but we haven't set up pick up or delivery yet. I think we've decided on the crib bedding/nursery decor, but we haven't purchased anything yet. Now that we've decided on the bedding, I think we're ready to start looking at paint colors. I don't want to give anything away as I'd rather post pictures when it's done.

I think we've decided to go with the double snap 'n go for now and we will get a regular stroller later when Apple and Banana are old enough to sit up in the stroller.

We've decided on the hospital and pre-registered online. We still need to look into and pick a pediatrician. We also still need to decide on daycare/nanny options, find a doula, sign up and take various classes at the hospital, get a will put together, decide on car seats, put a registry together, and set up the nursery (which requires cleaning out the room, painting, and putting together furniture, etc.). Those are just the baby related to-do's. There are other things around the house that I would like to get done before the babies arrive because I'm afraid if we wait until after, they'll never get done.

Oh, and the results of my quad screen came back normal last week. I wasn't anticipating anything different, but it is still a relief.

Here's my 17w3d belly shot.

Friday, August 8, 2008

My Generation

There are 7 of us in my generation on my dad's side of the family. I have one brother, 6 boy cousins and I'm the only girl of the generation. Of the 7, I fall somewhere in the middle-4 are older than me and 2 are younger. When our generation first started having kids, I was nowhere near ready to even think about kids. My oldest cousin had the first kid of the next generation and that kid is now 10. Ten years ago I had just graduated from college and was about to start my first job out of school. I was still dating my college boyfriend at the time.

As time went on, the rest of the cousins started having kids, as did my brother. That isn't to say it was easy for all of them (although it seemed that way for many of them). I know there were some definite hardships along the way. There were two more babies born this summer, one just this week, along with a new pregnancy announcement this week. My grandmother now has 9 great grandkids with three on the way (including Apple and Banana). I am now the only one of our generation who still isn't a parent. It is a weird place to be.

It is definitely easier to stomach knowing that Apple and Banana are growing more each day, but once an infertile, always an infertile. I think this concept may be one of the most difficult things for people to understand about the infertility world. I don't think many people understand how permanent the wounds are if they haven't been through it. I'm not trying to sound exclusive about this (and who would want to be a part of this exclusive club anyway?), but it is just difficult for people to understand. Infertility isn't a wound that heals over once you see those two pink lines. It is a wound that keeps re-opening again and again. Over time, maybe it heals over and leaves a scar, but it is still there. Always. It becomes a part of who you are, for better or for worse.

For a long time now, I've heard happy news of pregnancies and births in my extended family and experienced a wide range of emotions. Excitement, happiness, loneliness, bitterness, desperation, anger, hurt, you name it. I had hoped that once I was safely pregnant the negative feelings would go away and I would be left with only the excitement and happiness. And it is ugly to admit that I still feel the rest of the feelings along with the good when I hear these announcements. It is ugly and selfish to admit that I can't focus entirely on the positive when a member of my family, who I love, gets the good news that they are expecting or when they welcome a new addition to the family. Emotions are funny like that. You can know all along that they are wrong and that you don't want them, you don't want to be that person. But you can't control what you feel, it just is. And you can't deny that you feel that way (not for long anyway).

I hope that by putting this out there, I'm not offending any of my family. (I've been sitting here now for 10 minutes with my mouse hovering over the "publish" button). That isn't my intent. I am honest about how I feel about things, almost always. They know that about me. Maybe those who read this will gain a better understanding of how this experienced has changed me. Or maybe they'll think I'm a selfish ass. Either way, it's out there and it's honest.

I can only wonder at this point if I'll feel differently once Apple and Banana are born. Maybe the scar will completely heal over at that point, but it will still be there. A daily reminder of what we went through to bring them into our family.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Girl? Boy?

We've actually known for a week now, but I didn't want to post anything because my parents were out of town and we wanted to surprise them with some cool news. Because I tell my mom pretty much everything (and she tells my dad the salient points), she's known from the start when we were doing IUI's, IVF's, FET's and she always knew when we got bad news. She knew right away when we got pregnant too, so there just hasn't been an opportunity to surprise them without the expectation of some type of news.

After our ultrasound on Monday, I called my mom to tell her everything looked great. But I held back a bit. I didn't tell her that we were able to see Apple and Banana's genders with some level of certainty. Yes, I lied and said that they weren't able to tell yet. It was a long week waiting for my parents to get back into town. When they did, they found a little treasure hunt set up in their house.

When my parents opened their garage door upon returning from their trip, this is what they saw (if you can't read the signs, click to make the picture bigger):

The rest of the signs led them through the house until the final surprise!

And behind the Baby A and Baby B signs was a little stuffed bear for each holding a little ultrasound picture:

The pictures have a bit of a glare and yes, they are pink because our printer ran out of black toner. So, the scanned versions of the actual photos are below. Apple was being a little shy, but the tech was about 70% sure it's a girl! Banana wasn't so shy and the tech was about 90% sure it's a boy! So, looks like it could be boy/girl twins for us-for now anyway-to be confirmed at the next scan hopefully. If you can't tell, the pictures below show a view as if the babies are sitting on the camera with their legs stretched out in front of them. You can see two legs and the little bums and a little something in between for Banana. We are beyond excited!

Monday, August 4, 2008

I Hate Blogger

At least for the moment. It won't let me upload pictures and I don't want to post my news without pictures. It just wouldn't be the same!

Sunday, August 3, 2008


This week I somewhat rejoined the world of the living like a normal person. On Thursday, I went to the Senior Open. Luckily it was a work event, so there was an air conditioned tent that I could retreat to when the 100 degree temps were too much to handle. I watched a little golf on the 17th and 18th holes and marveled at how in shape all of the "seniors" are. They were walking along, golfing in 100 degree weather and I'm panting just to walk from the air conditioned tent to the bathroom.

The event was at the Broad.moor hotel in Colorado Springs. I've stayed at the hotel a handful of times and it is just a beautiful place. Although I always forget that it's at the South end of the Springs and you have to drive through the Springs to get to it (if you're coming from Denver). To make matters worse, for an event like this they set up public parking in a field that was even further south of the hotel and to the east. They then bus you to the course in hot school buses. It took 30 minutes just to get from the parking lot to the course. Around 2:15pm I left the tent to head home. By the time I walked to the bus, rode to the parking lot, got in my car and drove home, it was 4:30pm and my bladder was about to burst. I was hot, sweaty and dirty, so I fixed the bladder issue and immediately took a cool shower. I was exhausted and sore, but it felt good to do something other than sit at home or go to work for a change.

On Friday I went to work and then Friday night we went to Red Rocks for Film on the Rocks. If you've never been to this outdoor amphitheater, you are missing something very special. We live very close and, having grown up here, I've been to many concerts and events at RR. Every summer they do a film series where you can go watch a movie under the stars. It is sort of like being at a drive in theater, but with much more ambiance and better acoustics. The movie Friday was Blade Runner, which I had never seen. I can't say for sure whether it was the movie itself, or if I was just incredibly uncomfortable sitting on the concrete and wood steps, but I found the movie a bit hard to follow. We ended up leaving early before it was over. But it was still nice to get out with some friends for a change.

Yesterday I did absolutely nothing all day. I was sore and exhausted from two days in a row of activity. I sure tire quickly these days!

Today, we completed our pre-registration online for the hospital and removed my belly button ring. Two things that didn't take very long, but made me feel productive because I could mark two things off our ever-expanding to-do list.

At our last ultrasound, the tech had a little trouble seeing from certain angles because the ring was getting in the way. Plus, my skin has started to stretch and the doctor mentioned that it could crack and get infected if I don't remove it (eeewwww). The ring came out fairly easily once we did a little consulting with Dr. Goog.le. It has been in for 14 years and I haven't taken it out since the day it was put in, so I had no idea how it was supposed to come apart. Now that it's out, it is so incredibly strange to look down and not see the ring there. I feel like a piece of me is missing (my youth?). That ring has been with me longer than I've known B and longer than I've ever lived in one place (for unbroken periods of time). It came out fully intact also so I can always put it back in later on if the notion strikes.

Now for the main attraction (of the circus, that is). Here are the latest belly pix taken yesterday at 16w2d. I also have some news to share, but that will have to wait for another post after I get some pictures loaded.

Friday, August 1, 2008

What's in a Name-Part 1

I've been thinking a lot about the name of my blog lately. I think it is a reflection on how I've felt through this whole journey. I was terrified that the journey wouldn't end in children, but at the same time I was convinced that the next thing WOULD work. I started this blog right after my first IVF turned into a freeze all (after trying the old fashioned way and numerous IUI's failed). I was so incredibly down and angry and didn't have a clue what to do with those feelings. But at the same time, I was convinced that those 18 embryos on ice, our "Freezer Buns," would be my salvation. It never occurred to me (at least on the surface) that we would end up thawing all of the embryos and still not get pregnant. Or maybe this was just denial or wishful thinking.

Now that I find myself in that blissful (and still terrifying) place of obtaining the elusive pregnancy, it bothers me that my blog is still called "Freezer Buns." These two buns that I'm growing right now were never frozen and so the blog name doesn't seem a proper tribute to them and their resiliency. But at the same time, it is a tribute to what it took to get here. A tribute to those 18 that perished in addition to the numerous others that were either never fertilized or didn't implant before them. I'm also somewhat attached to the name of my blog as it is just as much a part of my identity at this point as my own name.

So I'm at a cross roads. Do I continue to blog on Freezer Buns and ignore the now irrelevant name? Although I suppose it isn't completely irrelevant since we do still have 9 new embryos on ice. Do I close up shop on this blog (still leave it up for posterity) and create a new one to document the rest of this pregnancy and our life parenting after infertility? I also worry about when Apple and Banana are born and I want to post pictures and tell stories as they get older. I don't want their lives completely out there for the whole world to see without their permission, but I do want our families and friends to be able to keep in touch with our lives through this medium.

I guess what I'm saying is that at some point I will likely start a new blog to document our lives as parents. Once we step over that threshold and it is no longer just our lives I'm putting out there, I would feel more comfortable moving to a password protected blog. I have mixed feelings about password protected blogs. I've tried to keep up with those blogs that I follow once they go password protected, but I find it difficult because they don't play well with goog.le reader. Without notification that a new post is up, I have trouble remembering to go check on them. I never intend to stop reading or to read less frequently and I feel bad about it, but there it is.

I don't know at what point I will switch over to our new online home, but my guess is that it will be shortly after Apple and Banana are born. I don't want to switch over yet because this blog has already turned into a pregnancy blog and I would like to keep all the pregnancy posts in one place. And then it would be cruel to leave my readers hanging without posting something of a birth story and baby pictures at the end. But at that point, I think we'll change homes and start a new blog. I'll be sure to offer up invitations to those of you who have read for awhile and commented. I feel safe inviting you into our new home having read your stories as well. And obviously those of you who know us in person will also get invitations.

Just something I've been thinking about.

New belly shot and recap of our week to follow tomorrow (hopefully).