I've been thinking a lot about the name of my blog lately. I think it is a reflection on how I've felt through this whole journey. I was terrified that the journey wouldn't end in children, but at the same time I was convinced that the next thing WOULD work. I started this blog right after my first IVF turned into a freeze all (after trying the old fashioned way and numerous IUI's failed). I was so incredibly down and angry and didn't have a clue what to do with those feelings. But at the same time, I was convinced that those 18 embryos on ice, our "Freezer Buns," would be my salvation. It never occurred to me (at least on the surface) that we would end up thawing all of the embryos and still not get pregnant. Or maybe this was just denial or wishful thinking.
Now that I find myself in that blissful (and still terrifying) place of obtaining the elusive pregnancy, it bothers me that my blog is still called "Freezer Buns." These two buns that I'm growing right now were never frozen and so the blog name doesn't seem a proper tribute to them and their resiliency. But at the same time, it is a tribute to what it took to get here. A tribute to those 18 that perished in addition to the numerous others that were either never fertilized or didn't implant before them. I'm also somewhat attached to the name of my blog as it is just as much a part of my identity at this point as my own name.
So I'm at a cross roads. Do I continue to blog on Freezer Buns and ignore the now irrelevant name? Although I suppose it isn't completely irrelevant since we do still have 9 new embryos on ice. Do I close up shop on this blog (still leave it up for posterity) and create a new one to document the rest of this pregnancy and our life parenting after infertility? I also worry about when Apple and Banana are born and I want to post pictures and tell stories as they get older. I don't want their lives completely out there for the whole world to see without their permission, but I do want our families and friends to be able to keep in touch with our lives through this medium.
I guess what I'm saying is that at some point I will likely start a new blog to document our lives as parents. Once we step over that threshold and it is no longer just our lives I'm putting out there, I would feel more comfortable moving to a password protected blog. I have mixed feelings about password protected blogs. I've tried to keep up with those blogs that I follow once they go password protected, but I find it difficult because they don't play well with goog.le reader. Without notification that a new post is up, I have trouble remembering to go check on them. I never intend to stop reading or to read less frequently and I feel bad about it, but there it is.
I don't know at what point I will switch over to our new online home, but my guess is that it will be shortly after Apple and Banana are born. I don't want to switch over yet because this blog has already turned into a pregnancy blog and I would like to keep all the pregnancy posts in one place. And then it would be cruel to leave my readers hanging without posting something of a birth story and baby pictures at the end. But at that point, I think we'll change homes and start a new blog. I'll be sure to offer up invitations to those of you who have read for awhile and commented. I feel safe inviting you into our new home having read your stories as well. And obviously those of you who know us in person will also get invitations.
Just something I've been thinking about.
New belly shot and recap of our week to follow tomorrow (hopefully).