I'm having a mild panic attack about something kind of stupid. The night that I decided to start writing this blog, I was in a particularly anxious state of mind. After a freeze all dashed our hopes for our first IVF cycle, my first FET had been cancelled and I was facing the thought of a D&C. It was pretty late at night and I couldn't get my mind to stop racing. I couldn't sleep and the words were just dying to commit themselves to "paper." I was in no position to think up a name for my blog and settled on Freezer Buns only after numerous other ideas proved to be taken by other bloggers.
I didn't really think too much about the blog name and I didn't allow myself to think too far ahead about what the next couple of months would hold. I was living in the moment, the pain of that particular moment. It was clouding my vision. I honestly thought that the D&C would do the trick and our second attempt at FET would lead us to the pot of gold at the end of the long, horrible, exhausting rainbow. I thought we'd thaw some of our freezer buns, it would result in our first child (or two) and then we'd have plenty left to go back to when it was time to grow our family again. Sounds like a great plan, huh?
I'm now on the brink of another FET (I hope) and our RE is recommending we thaw all 14 freezer buns. I know this is a somewhat irrational fear because I have nothing to base it on, but I'm afraid that none of the 14 will make it to blast and we will have no freezer buns left. They will be thawed, but left out to die and never make it back into the oven. Not only would we have to go back to another fresh IVF cycle (and the first was not a pleasant experience for me), but I think at that point, we'd have pretty good evidence that our problem has something to do with egg quality. While it would be great to get rid of the banner of "unexplained" infertility, egg quality is not something I'm ready to deal with. It brings up all kinds of questions that I'm not ready to seek answers to yet.
And what would I do about this blog? Would I need to rename it? Would I keep the name in honor of our 18 freezer buns that would now represent our dashed hopes and dreams? Would I keep the name in the hopes that we would soon have new freezer buns waiting to pop into the oven? Wouldn't fresh buns be better?
I know this is premature and I shouldn't be worrying about this right now. But I shouldn't be in this position at all. I shouldn't be wondering if this will ever work. I shouldn't require medical intervention to conceive a child. I shouldn't be so obsessive about something I can't control. I shouldn't.
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