Time for a pep talk. I have exactly 40 minutes until my first Lu.pron shot for this FET. I don't want to do it. Any of it. The shots, the appointments, the waiting, the anxiety. I've had a nagging feeling lately that this is pointless. That we don't have a chance in hell in making it to a transfer, not to mention a positive end result. Why should this time be any different than the last? Nothing different in my protocol. Nothing different in the timing. Nothing. Different.
It is at this point in the conversation I've been having with myself that I have to interrupt and remind myself that this time is different. I had a D&C. My lining should be shiny, cushy, squeaky clean. It should be a lush, fertile paradise that will welcome and embrace an embie or two. And this is where Miss pessimistic chimes in again. Will our embies even survive the thaw? If they do survive the thaw, will they grow enough to warrant a transfer?
Lately I have found myself in a really weird place. I've been jealous of people who have had BFN's after an IVF or FET cycle. Certainly nothing to be jealous of. Where the real jealousy stems from is that these people had the luxury of a 2ww. And while I wouldn't wish a 2ww on my worst enemy (I remember those horrible 2 weeks from our many IUI cycles and many natural cycles before that), there is always room for hope in those 2 weeks. No matter how much Miss Pessimistic stuck around during those cycles, I was always able to push her aside for minutes, hours, even days at a time and let myself daydream of being pregnant. Buying maternity clothes. Decorating a nursery. Celebrating the amazing news with our friends and family. And bringing home a happy, healthy baby. I haven't allowed myself to indulge in these thoughts for a long time and I miss it.
It is this hope that I've been mourning since our fresh cycle turned into a freeze all last September. The hope I almost had back when we started our first FET, just to lose it again in the crushing defeat of another cancelled cycle and the prospect of surgery.
Well it is a new year and time for a new attitude. Miss Pessimistic wants me to wallow in the thought that at this time last year, we were making the decision to go see an RE. The thought that seeing an RE would change everything, would provide answers and solutions to all of our unexplained problems. I've learned enough in the last year to realize how naive that thought was and how naive I was to think it. Or maybe I just hoped that would be the case.
So there it is again, the hope is just under the surface fighting its way past Miss Pessimistic. You see hope hope gives a person energy. Energy to take blow after blow of set-backs and disappointments.
I know I've said in previous posts that I don't necessarily believe in the power of positive thinking, that this all just comes down to luck, and I still believe that. But the thing is, if I didn't think that this COULD work, we wouldn't be going down this road. So I obviously think it COULD work. There are multitudes of babies and full grown people out there at this point that prove it DOES work. The open question is whether it WILL work for US. So while I'm not going to be positive about this because I think it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, I will try to stay positive about this because it is a new year and time for a change. Time to be my own cheerleader and get my ass in gear. Time to believe that this WILL work this time. Time to go kick this cycle off with my first shot. (cue cheesy music from St. Elmo's Fire here)
*Edited to Add* Okay, it is days later and I just realized that the song I had running in my head was NOT the music from St. Elmo's Fire, but rather the music from Chariots of Fire! Oops. Of course I always picture the scene in National Lampoons Vacation when they're all racing to the entrance of Wally World instead of Chariots of Fire.
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