Saturday, May 31, 2008

I'm Still Here

No I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, just out of the blogosphere. This week has been hard. I dragged myself to work and home each day and that was about it. By the time I get home each night, I'm sick, sore and exhausted. I force myself to eat something and then head up to bed no later than 8pm each night. Doesn't leave much time for blogging or reading other blogs. Or for anything else. I didn't even pick up any of my P books this week at all because the thought of reading (whether on paper or the computer) just makes me more queasy. I haven't even been obsessively staring at our ultrasound pictures because it just reminds me of how sick I feel.

The good thing is that once I get food down, I manage to keep it down. Problem is, it is really hard to just get it down. Nothing ever sounds good to me and most things don't taste like they used to. One day this week it took me an hour to eat half a bagel. I've lost a little bit of weight instead of gaining and I just don't feel healthy. The nurse assured me not to worry about it and just eat what I can. I've also been told I can go back to light exercise, but I can't even imagine doing anything other than lying on the couch right now.

I know that I sound ungrateful. I've been feeling guilty for acting this way because we've finally accomplished what we've been working towards for over two years and all I can do is complain. What happened to happy and excited? All I can say is that I will get there. Even if I feel like this through the whole pregnancy (please, don't make me do that), once these babies are born, happy and excited (although still exhausted) will be my best friends. Someday. It just feels so far away right now.

On Thursday I went back to the clinic to get blood drawn after I had been completely off of the en.dometrin for two days. I walked out of the building into the bright morning sunshine and wondered if it would be the last time I ever stepped foot in that place. I was afraid to hope for that, like just thinking it would jinx everything. Later that afternoon, my nurse called to tell me that I've officially graduated. They have released me to the care of my OB.

She told me to make sure I bring the babies in to visit when they are born and I told her I would never do that. I've been in that waiting room too many times feeling sorry for myself and bitter when someone brings a baby or a kid into the building. I just don't feel that it is appropriate unless there is no other choice. We agreed to meet at Targ.et some time since it is babyland anyway. She also made me promise to shoot her an email every once in awhile and let her know how things are going. I have to say, although I won't miss that place at all, I will miss my nurse. It feels like we've been through a war together.

I am now completely off all medications other than the baby aspirin (which I'll stay on through the first trimester) and my prenatal vitamins (which have taken on a whole new level of gross lately). From all physical aspects, I'm just a normal pregnant lady now. It feels really weird to say that and it is still a bit hard to believe. It is also a bit intimidating to think of going back to my OB's office and sitting in the waiting room will all the oblivious, normal pregnant women. I don't know if I'll ever feel like I belong there. I have my first appointment there next Wednesday, although it is just with a nurse practitioner, so I'm not sure what all they will do. I will be just shy of 8 weeks at that point. I wonder if we'll get to hear the heartbeats? That would be cool.

To all my blogging friends, I'm sorry I've been absent this week. I'll try to do some catching up on the weekends if I can.
Hope you are all doing okay.

35 comments:

PJ said...

Sorry about the sickness. Hopefully that will subside soon.

Glad you have graduated! That's exciting!

Keep us posted when you can. :)

Rhonda said...

while i miss you on the blog, i know i can pick up the phone!!!

so sorry about how you are feeling and DON'T feel ungrateful - you are just being true.

XOXOXO and try to enjoy the weekend.

Io said...

Yay normal pregnant lady! I hope you start feeling better soon.

waitinginline said...

I hope you feel better soon. I completely understand what you mean about the books and u/s. For some reason looking at them just reminded me of the nausea.

Congrats on graduating!

JuliaS said...

Here from NaComLeaveMo.

Congrats on your pg - hope all goes well and you have a couple of lovely fat screaming bonuses at the end!

DC said...

Congrats on the pregnancy! I'm sorry it's a rough ride right now.

I'm here from NCLM and am glad I found your blog. Good luck with the twins! :)

Momma Mary said...

Sorry about the sickness. You are normal to feel guilty about whining, but you shouldn't. Not at all. That sickness sucks.

Want to know what the only thing I could keep down was? It's gross:

Taco Bell Taco Salad. Yup. After that, I could eat anything. But that was my lunch. Daily. for almost 14 weeks.

I told you it was gross.

Pepper said...

The Lupron sleepies are kicking my behind, so I can only imagine what the pg morning sickness and exhaustion are doing to you! If it's any consolation I've heard that the day you enter the second trimester, the clouds clear, the angels start to sing, and you feel 100 times better.

Hang in there and congratulaions!
NCLM

Nit said...

Hola from NCLM :)

Congrats on your buns!!

Sorry you are feeling not so hot right now...hopefully you will feel a little better by the end of the 1st trimester.

And you don't sound ungrateful at all...who wants to be nauseous & tired all the time?

Take care :)

Miss Tori said...

Denise,

Just because we struggled to become pregnant doesn't negate the fact that we get to experience and complain about the morning sickness, fatigue and other malodies that besiege a pregnant woman. We just appreciate these things more than others.

I hope you get to feeling better soon. Even though you're not able to blog as much or comment as much, we all know you have us in your thoughts.

Tori

Phoebe said...

I think when you get pregnant after so many losses and wanting it so badly, that you do feel guilty for not enjoying it more. However, I'm here to say please don't feel guilty. I've been there and it was hard for me too. I could have written the first half of your post.

Chris said...

So sorry you haven't been feeling well. No need to apologize for being absent . . . you have very important business to attend to right now, so no need to apologize for taking care of yourself. And you don't seem ungrateful either . . ..

Visiting from NCLM . . .

Jason and Samantha said...

I'm sorry you feel so icky. I felt miserable my first trimester. And got some critism for complaining since it took us so long to get pregnant.

BUT, that's normal to feel icky, and not so great. And you don't sound ungrateful to me!

Samantha
(NCLM)

Optimistic said...

I'm so happy for you! Hope the sickness subsides soon. Congrats!!

s.e. said...

Why does some bad always have to come with the good? Sorry you've been feeling crappy. I think when we somewhat look through rosy colored glasses waiting, it is difficult to accept that pregnancy isn't all wonderful. You are right that the end result will be worth it. Your best friends will be here before you know it and this too will be a distant memory.

And oh, I envy the possibility of never revisting the RE's office! Congrats!

mrsyak said...

I totally understand. It will get better. I don't know what date I did it, but I remember writing a post about the feelings that go along with surviving IVF and then being sick when you're pregnant. Those feelings catch you off guard to say the least, just remember that you're all hormonal (double so for you) and cut yourself some slack!

MamaSoon said...

Happy Graduation!

BB and MTB said...

Yay for graduating!! Sorry to read that this is kicking your behind, but I know you wouldn't have it any other way!!!

Antigone said...

Take care of yourself. First Tri is hard.

wish.wait.hope.pray said...

Just visiting from NaComLeavMo - sorry to hear you're not feeling well but it is a sign that things are going well! Good luck with the pregnancy.

Shinejil said...

Take good care of yourself. Me personally, I'm not of the "no complaints" school of IF thought. Pregnancy sucks most of the time; always has, always will, even if you've fought like hell for it. I think the "happy pregnancy" talk is a myth to make us women less resentful of our fate. :)

I do hope relief comes soon and that you find some food that hasn't lost its savor. Hang in there and let us know how you're feeling when you have the energy.

Amanda said...

I'm sorry that you feel so icky. I think that it's ok to complain... I mean, just because you struggled doesn't mean that you're not feeling ill! So congratulations on being a "normal pregnant lady."

(Here via NaComLeavMo)

Meg said...

Happy graduation!

And, no you will never feel like you fit in at the OB office. You won't because you are not oblivious and you have been through a tough battle to get here.

And that is what will make you such a kick ass mom...

DC said...

Hope you are feeling better! :)

Deb said...

dont worry about being absent from your post - just take care of yourself however you need to. happy and excited will be back and you will get to feeling better.
yay that you have your first ob visit next week as a "normal" pregnant woman.

::healthy thoughts::

margalit said...

I'm the mom of IVF twins. My biggest piece of assvice? Get help. Get LOTS of help. You'll love every minute of it, but man... it's so hard at first.

Found you thru NCLM!

Rebecca said...

I am so glad that you are having twins...I was just catching up on your blog! I know the guilt/happiness conundrum...it's hard to know how to feel. I just hope you start feeling better soon...it took me until 14 weeks. It will happen...keep the faith!

Jendeis said...

Congratulations on making it this far through your pregnancy and graduating out of the fertility clinic. Good luck with the nausea - have you tried acupressure bands? I love them for my motion sickness.

Kim said...

Congrats on graduating to an OB! Sorry you are so sick. Try not to feel guilty - you are human after all! I think by worrying that you are being ungrateful you are showing how grateful you are! NCLM

Amanda said...

NCLM....

It will pass, I promise! I know that doesn't mean much now, but my dd is 12 weeks old and I swear I barely remember any of the negative pregnancy stuff. Good luck!

starsgoblue said...

Hope you're feeling better!

Duck said...

Hi, hope all is well with you. i've been searching your blog for the details on the vi*agra suppositories, like how often how much, all the gorey details.
I have an apt on Friday, my doc is letting me do vi*agra, he doesn't believe it will help, nor does he believe that it will hurt so we're going to go for it, I just need the info, just in case he's thinking that i'm tkaing it orally, no no,I want to experience all the vi*agra fun. I'm also going to harass Nancy in case you don't read your blog everyday.
take care.

Duck said...

Oh I have another Question, when did you start the baby asprin? I have a feeling this whole vi*agra thing will really work for me, I dunno, I have felt this positive about anything in months... little scared about where/how I'm going to get the stuff(I don't really here of any canucks doing the vi*agra) but, I'm hoping because my RE's an american that he will at least know a little bit more about it.
Thanks again for getting back to me, don't worry about not commenting, you need to save you strength for the 2 buns.

DC said...

Hope you're feeling better.

Cece said...

I was bone crushingly tired for about a month. I didn't think it was possible to be that tired! Thankfully - this too shall pass -and you'll be feeling great - you just have to survive the first trimester!