It's been one week since my last post. A record for me. It's been a really, really long week. I can't even do justice to how I'm feeling with words lately. Like I have the permanent flu coupled with a head cold and a stomach bug? I struggle through each day at work just hoping to make it to 5, drive home hoping to make it home safely, force myself to eat something, drag myself up to bed.
I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner at my OB's office on Wednesday afternoon. It was a very long appointment filled mostly with talking, a urine sample, 3 vials of blood, and a very uncomfortable pelvic exam (is it possible that her entire arm was up there all the way to her elbow? that's what it felt like anyway). The nurse assured me that I can relax a bit and stop being so strict with certain things-I can eat chocolate if I want, paint my nails, take medication for my allergies. She also encouraged me to ask for a prescription for the nausea if I need to, but to try taking vitamin B6 three times a day. That night I went home, started taking B6, and took a whole ben.adryl before bed.
On Thursday, I had a really hard time getting up. Ben.adryl knocks me out pretty good and I probably should have just taken a half. I continued to take the B6 all day Thursday and felt progressively worse as the day went on. By the time I got home Thursday night, I was a mess. I experienced my first vomiting episode that night and barely slept with an uneasy stomach all night. So yesterday (Friday), I stopped taking the B6. I have no idea if it is the culprit, but yesterday went much better than Thursday, so now I'm afraid to try the B6 again.
I'm not sure exactly why, but I'm hesitant to ask for anti-nausea medication and I don't really want to take allergy medication or anything else. I know that the first trimester is the most critical time when the buns are developing all of their organs and systems and I'm just afraid to screw anything up. I figure I've been through so much, what's another month of misery? I'm not sure B would agree. He's been doing everything the last couple of weeks. I mean everything-because I am worthless. He has even been packing me a food bag every night to take to work the next day to make sure I have snacks to keep me full all day at work. Grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, oil changes, taking care of the dogs, etc. The list goes on and on. If he weren't here right now, I would starve with no clean clothes and a broken down car.
It is a little difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that everyone around me is so excited and I am just blah. I can't get excited right now. I feel awful. All the time. I can't make plans or even think about these babies coming home. I can't read my multiples book or any of my pregnancy books. I've been trying really hard to keep up with my blog reading, but I can't comment. I just feel like I'm in a really weird place right now. This is what we've been working towards for so long now. We've put every other aspect of our lives on hold for this and we've finally WON. And I'm miserable. I can't celebrate and that just isn't right. It isn't fair.
I keep thinking that after the first trimester, things will be different. I'll feel good. I'll be able to eat again. I'll be able to exercise a little and travel and do normal things like going out to dinner with friends. I'll feel like myself again. I'll feel like my normal planning-obsessed self and it will become more real that we'll have 2 babies coming home soon. I so, so hope this is true...
You Make Yourself Sad
1 day ago