Saturday, June 7, 2008

One Week and a Pity Party

It's been one week since my last post. A record for me. It's been a really, really long week. I can't even do justice to how I'm feeling with words lately. Like I have the permanent flu coupled with a head cold and a stomach bug? I struggle through each day at work just hoping to make it to 5, drive home hoping to make it home safely, force myself to eat something, drag myself up to bed.

I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner at my OB's office on Wednesday afternoon. It was a very long appointment filled mostly with talking, a urine sample, 3 vials of blood, and a very uncomfortable pelvic exam (is it possible that her entire arm was up there all the way to her elbow? that's what it felt like anyway). The nurse assured me that I can relax a bit and stop being so strict with certain things-I can eat chocolate if I want, paint my nails, take medication for my allergies. She also encouraged me to ask for a prescription for the nausea if I need to, but to try taking vitamin B6 three times a day. That night I went home, started taking B6, and took a whole ben.adryl before bed.

On Thursday, I had a really hard time getting up. Ben.adryl knocks me out pretty good and I probably should have just taken a half. I continued to take the B6 all day Thursday and felt progressively worse as the day went on. By the time I got home Thursday night, I was a mess. I experienced my first vomiting episode that night and barely slept with an uneasy stomach all night. So yesterday (Friday), I stopped taking the B6. I have no idea if it is the culprit, but yesterday went much better than Thursday, so now I'm afraid to try the B6 again.

I'm not sure exactly why, but I'm hesitant to ask for anti-nausea medication and I don't really want to take allergy medication or anything else. I know that the first trimester is the most critical time when the buns are developing all of their organs and systems and I'm just afraid to screw anything up. I figure I've been through so much, what's another month of misery? I'm not sure B would agree. He's been doing everything the last couple of weeks. I mean everything-because I am worthless. He has even been packing me a food bag every night to take to work the next day to make sure I have snacks to keep me full all day at work. Grocery shopping, dishes, laundry, oil changes, taking care of the dogs, etc. The list goes on and on. If he weren't here right now, I would starve with no clean clothes and a broken down car.

It is a little difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that everyone around me is so excited and I am just blah. I can't get excited right now. I feel awful. All the time. I can't make plans or even think about these babies coming home. I can't read my multiples book or any of my pregnancy books. I've been trying really hard to keep up with my blog reading, but I can't comment. I just feel like I'm in a really weird place right now. This is what we've been working towards for so long now. We've put every other aspect of our lives on hold for this and we've finally WON. And I'm miserable. I can't celebrate and that just isn't right. It isn't fair.

I keep thinking that after the first trimester, things will be different. I'll feel good. I'll be able to eat again. I'll be able to exercise a little and travel and do normal things like going out to dinner with friends. I'll feel like myself again. I'll feel like my normal planning-obsessed self and it will become more real that we'll have 2 babies coming home soon. I so, so hope this is true...


Lori said...

I hope you are coming tomorrow. You can let us love on you and wash away the blahs.

Better than B6!

PJ said...

It'll get better! There's a light at the end of the tunnel!

Thinking of you. :)

Spicy Sister said...

"It is a little difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that everyone around me is so excited and I am just blah."

I can so relate Denise. I don't think I am as physically sick as you are....but I can definitely relate to not feeling how you thought you would. I really believe we will both be in better spaces in about 3-4 more weeks. We can always get together before then for joint pity party sessions as needed!

Hang in there sweetie! I hope you can make it tomorrow - really looking forward to seeing you!

BB and MTB said...

You are growing two babies in there!! Take it easy for a few weeks and let your DH do the work - you deserve it, and just as importantly - you need it! I hope you leave the blahs behind soon!!!!

Anonymous said...

I can relate so strongly to this post. I was right there not too long ago. I eventually asked for medicine and have had very little guilt about it since without the medicine (two actually) I wasn't able to keep even liquids down. But at 2 days shy of 11 weeks I'm trying to wean myself off of the last of the meds and I'm able to be happy about the possibilites growing inside of me. I'm still queasy and can't often open the fridge, but it's no longer miserable.

I hope you see a break in the clouds very soon and that you can get back to enjoying life!

Kristina said...

I was also hesitant to take the anti-nausea meds and, in retrospect, really should have. I vomited like a crazy person until 15 weeks or so. That got promptly replaced by and overwhelming feeling of being "full" all the time. By the time I got used to that, I was so uncomfortable I could hardly move. Long story short, the second/third trimester may (sadly) not get much better. Such is a multiples pregnancy.

The good news is you get to have the babies and be totally exhausted for more months :) It's all worth it though.

s.e. said...

I think everything in this process is difficult to come to terms with. It is o.k. to be hesitant to take extra meds, feel blah. And it is completely fine for you to have B step it up for a while even the next 7 months. You are going through a lot and it is o.k. to just devote your energy into getting by. I hope your limbo lifts soon and the true you will begin to feel the joy you deserve.

Rhonda said...

i feel awful for you. as a friend, i wish that i could take all the blah away from you so that you could enjoy this the way you would like. try to keep in mind that while there are "expectations" to how one may feel that you are who you are; you feel what you feel. all of this is going to be a new experience. don't beat yourself up about this - you, B, your family and your friends all know how excited you are!!!
i wish you all the best and know that i am always here for you!


Alison said...

Denise, I can just tell that you are not right. I wish there was something I could do to lift your spirits and make you feel better physically. Just know that I am here rooting for you!