Friday, May 2, 2008

Darkness

Why is it that things always seem worse at night? In the dark. Darkness has a way of making the most uneventful thing seem meaningful. As kids we are afraid of the dark because we can't see what might be lurking there. In the closet. Under the bed. Maybe this irrational fear lingers in our adult selves in a different way. Bad things always seem to happen at night. Problems seem worse at night. Sickness feels worse. Doubts feel heavier.

Late this afternoon I noticed some spotting. Red. Just a little bit. Accompanied by lower back ache eerily similar to AF cramping. I spoke with the nurse, knowing that it was probably not a big concern and could even be a (good sign-shhhh). The nurse confirmed my initial reaction and said that red, pink, brown, it was okay and nothing to worry about at this point unless it got to the point where I felt like I needed a pad. I wasn't even going to post about it because, honestly, I didn't want to jinx anything in case it was a sign of implantation. There. I've let the cat out of the bag.

But as I've sat on the couch all evening, feeling the cramping still lingering and religiously checking the toilet paper every time I pee (and I pee a lot from drinking so much these days), I'm feeling the panic start to rise. The red turned to pink, but there is definitely more of it. Not enough to require a full pad, but definitely enough to warrant a panty liner. How much is too much to be considered implantation bleeding?

I'm not asking this to get superficial reassurances, I really want to know. What else could it be? Would it even be possible to be starting a period this soon after transfer (3dp5dt) while on 3 prom.etrium per day? I know I'm just freaking out because the darkness has settled in for the night. But it is truly disconcerting. I just want it to go away. Make the scary monster go away.

7 comments:

Duck said...

seems to early for spotting, I really really really think it's the implantation. And I really want it to be, so maybe I'm biased?

Thanks so much for your comment, I don't think many bloggers out there really relate to what I'm talking about, and sometimes I feel selfish and crazy to write what I do, so it feels good to know I'm not alone.

I really really really really want this cycle to work for you, i want to see those pics of the bump.
Thinking all things positive for you,
Fellow member of the Y.O.D squad.

P.S - I'm still scared of the dark.

Jen said...

So here is my two cents... I am much better at typing this than texting this.

Granted it was with my ectopic, but I bled. A lot. Bright red. Freaked me out. And even moreso when I came back with positive but really low beta.

As for the blighted ovum, I had a day of a fair amount of brown blood. Again I freaked out.

Both times they told me it was too early and both times they said it could be one embryo that had implanted had failed or just my body getting rid of blood.

I know at this point nothing helps short of a beta and an ultrasound. But for whatever reason, I think this is a positive thing. And a positive sign.

Much hugs and love!

annacyclopedia said...

I can't answer your questions and I don't know if I can make the monster go away, but I will be keeping you in my prayers even more than usual. I am praying for your safety and for the safety of your little ones, asking the universe to keep you all safe and protected, even in the dark.

sweetpeapod said...

I definitely don't want to jinx you, but it sounds like implantation to me. 3dp5dt is exactly when the embryo is really settling in... Keeping my fingers crossed since it seems really promising. Hang in there! xxxx

PJ said...

That would concern me too. I have no idea what it could be. Hopefully it's nothing.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Melanie said...

Denise, it's much too soon for a period and it's most likely implantation bleeding. Even Dr. Google will confirm that many women have thought they were getting their periods when it was really implantation bleeding. You need to shove that monster back in the closet, because this is a very, very positive sign. I told you, you've got little Olympians!

Rhonda said...

i know NOTHING on the subject, so i can only tell you i am hear for you. i spell it that way cuz you can always call me or post and i will always listen - good, bad, ugly, and fab!

i hope and pray that these other gals posting are right on and that you (and B) make it to implantation!

on a lighter note - i think you may have missed your calling in life - i know you like the debits and credits and the fun of researching and writing complex tax memos, but you are a great writer. your (mostly) daily posts are something that i look forward to every day and they are so visual and thought provoking!

all my best for you, B, and the little embies!

XOXOXO