Monday, March 31, 2008


I started yesterday's post intending to write about how I feel that this process has aged me-mentally and physically-and it ended up turning into a completely different, but slightly related post. I've been wondering a lot lately if people notice more lines on my face, less elasticity in my skin, droopier eyes. Do I look more tired than I used to? I sure FEEL like I LOOK more tired. What's that saying about how you are only as old as you feel? Well I feel ancient lately.

This is not the sort of feeling and energy level that I need going into this IVF cycle. Hell, I don't need this feeling at all, and it just makes me feel more tired thinking about what is to come. Must. Muster. Energy. The first definition of "fatigue" on is: weariness from bodily or mental exertion. Huh. Mental Exertion. I guess you could say I've done A LOT of that over the last 7 months or so.

The last couple of days, frustration has set in. It is killing me not knowing what the timing of B's surgery will be. He called to make an appointment with a surgeon that was recommended to us and was told he couldn't get in for a consult until April 24th. So he is going to try to make an appointment with the surgeon his doctor recommended to see if he can get in sooner. Either way, he was hoping he could get in and get the surgery done ASAP so that he would be healed and ready to go in time for the retrieval (April 23rd). I don't know what the chances are of that happening. I'm a little worried about recovery time also. But I don't think he can wait another month.

I think I will call the nurse tomorrow and ask what using frozen sperm will do to our chances. I just need someone to put my mind to rest that this won't require us to push everything back by a month. And I need to know before I start my shots on Thursday.

Today is the last day of the photo journal challenge. It has been fun and challenging. I am almost completely out of ideas of what to post. Since I just finally loaded our wedding pictures to our (sort of) new computer, I thought I'd leave you with some pictures from our wedding day (all courtesy of photojournalist Jeff Poucher). It was a freezing, soggy day in July 2004. The picture with all the chairs set up is so cool, but we ended up having to move the ceremony inside. I'm pretty sure there were at least 2 people who told me that rain on your wedding day is a sign of fertility. Hah, were they wrong!


Lori said...

Looks like it was a spectacular wedding.

I got sunburned at my wedding. So I guess predicting fertility by the weather is as accurate as predicting the weather :-(.

luna said...

what an incredibly gorgeous wedding site!! just beautiful. ~luna

Waiting said...

I understand your weariness. Stress can do that to you.

I hate that you're having to worry about the surgery. That just stinks. I really hope you can get that underway soon. I'm sure everything will fall into place.

Your wedding day looked beautiful, despite the rain. I love your dress.

Maria said...

Beautiful wedding pictures. What an amazing backdrop for a wedding.

I definitely notice extra wrinkles and darker circles on my face. IF has really aged me.

I hope all works out the DH's surgery and the timing.

InfertileMyrtle said...

What beautiful wedding pics! Looks like it was a wonderful day.

Regarding fatigue, I know exactly how you feel. Its a really crappy way to live, especially when there seems to be no end in site.

If only IF came with some guarantees like it definitely will/ definitely won't work, it would be so much easier to cope. Waiting is killer.

shinejil said...

Wow! What a beautiful place to get married! Lucky you.

Melanie said...

Look at you, you gorgeous thing! Absolutely gorgeous pictures. It rained at my wedding too; a torrential downpour. Hmmm. No comment.

I absolutely relate to your post. The stress, the uncertainty, the unknown. Sometimes I feel like I'm just shutting down and shutting it out, which can't be healthy either.

Keeping my fingers crossed that the surgery is scheduled soon.

Meg said...

I can only imagine how exhausted you are. The process of IF is still a mystery to me, mainly because I get exhausted just seeing and reading your calendar!

I hope B is able to get this done really soon. What f'd up timing.

Poucher was my photographer for my wedding too!

Rhonda said...

I loved seeing the pictures of that day - while i do remember all that came with moving the chairs in and out and making B make the decision as to where the wedding would finally take place! It was such a beautiful day, once it cleared up!

I don't see the wear and tear on you, but I do understand about feeling like the aging process just kicked into full gear - I don't know for the same reasons, but...

I have lots of thoughts for you and B right now and that things can fall into place with his surgery and your new calendar of events!


Jen said...

I understand the weariness and the feeling of waiting for your life to start!

Hope everything goes well and soon with B's surgery!

JJ said...

Love the photos--so beautiful.

Keeping you and B in my thoughts!

Ahuva Batya said...

I love the picture with the rainbow! What a beautiful wedding!
I know what you mean about aging.. I was sitting on the examining table the other day waiting for the nurse to come in, and glimpsed myself in the mirror... I looked 50.

s.e. said...

A rainbow on your wedding day has to mean something! I hope your pot of gold comes soon!

chicklet said...

He did a really nice job with your shots. Wow.

Duck said...

very nice wedding pics. I hear you on the mental exhaustion, I'm doing ok right now but, I have been there, it's sort of at the point when you don't feel like you have the emotional strength to take anything at all on, hope you get your strength back soon.

AND thanks for the post, I do hate my bil/sil, it's just NOT FAIR, and it feels so much better to be told that i'm not crazy and have every right to be upset.

Io said...

That rainbow is awesome. I can't get over how beautiful your wedding site was, even if you had to go inside. I hope you're able to schedule the surgery soon.

Alison said...

OMG! Those pictures are amazing! I love the dark clouds in the back. I think it's beautiful! It was the hottest day in October for us.

I'm a little behind on reading... I hope you get some answers and start to feel better.