Tuesday, March 18, 2008

BFN and Hope, You Bitch



Unfortunately this is NOT a picture of what I wish I COULD have. Because, well, it is what I DID have with dinner and what I'm HAVING a second glass of right now. The doc snuck in an HCG test with my blood work today and it was a BFN. My E2 and P4 had tanked to 123 and 4. Apparently because implantation did not occur, my ovaries (the corpus luteum) knew to stop producing estrogen and progesterone on their own. AF has been held at bay simply because of hormone supplements I've been on. So the patches have been removed, I won't take any more pro.metrium and she should arrive in the next couple of days. The doc was hoping that if there was a small amount of HCG in my system (indicating implantation), and my E2 and P4 were low, we could add additional supplement and try to salvage the pregnancy.

To be honest, loyal readers, I've been hiding something from you. I started testing at home on Sunday. I wanted to make sure the trigger shot was fully out of my system so that I could test the morning before beta (Friday) and be comfortable with the result. But once I started, I couldn't stop. I tested Sunday morning, Monday morning and this morning. For some reason, after the stark whiteness of the stick this morning, I was convinced this cycle hadn't worked. I dragged myself to the clinic for blood draw this morning thinking "what's the point?" I got to work and had a mini break down. I cried for a bit, pulled myself together and went on with my day (with the help of some encouraging words from Melanie). And then I got the call.

The nurse called to give me the results and to give me Dr. S's cell phone number. Yes, his cell phone number. To call him. Tonight. While he's on spring break vacation with his kids. Did I mention he's on vacation? With his kids?

So we talked for a bit tonight and I actually feel a whole lot better now than I did this morning. Even though this morning, that bitch hope was still hanging on for dear life in the background. Even though she has now been banished to the closet until next time (although I can see the bright beams of sunshine pulsing behind the closet door). Because what I got out of the conversation with Dr. S is that next time, we will get things right. We will NOT hyper stimulate, we will have a great lining, and we will make it to transfer with a positive outcome.

I only hope he hasn't given me unreasonable expectations.

My lining with my last fresh cycle looked good (as good as it finally looked with this past FET). But because it only got to 8, which really is the minimum thickness they like to see (8-12), the lining is still in the running for being the culprit here. The other culprit is simply the freezing and thawing process. While FET's can work, Dr. S said frozen/thawed embryos are never as good as fresh. He does feel that we have proven that we make good quality embryos since we were able to thaw some that then grew to blast. So whether the problem this time was my lining, or using frozen/thawed embryos, or a combination of both, Dr. S feels a fresh cycle will do the trick for us if we pull back on the stim meds and start slower.

Dr. S said he feels very frustrated for us, that we've done everything right and he would not be encouraging us to move forward with another fresh cycle if he didn't truly believe it would work. He wants us to get pregnant and he is convinced we can and we will. He is determined to make this work for us.

And even though all of our testing expired back in March, he won't make us redo any of the testing because he is now convinced that we make good embryos and I respond well (too well) to the medications. So that is good news. The only exception might be the communicable disease testing. I think this must be required in order to freeze embryos.

So, the good news is:
1. We make good embryos
2. We think my lining can do what it's supposed to
3. We don't have to redo all of the tests
4. We can start a fresh cycle off of this period if we want to
5. I can drink wine again for a little while, stop taking the patches and supps, and get back on my elliptical
6. We have an excellent doctor who is very invested in getting us pregnant
7. I was told that I will speak with my assigned nurse (Jennifer) every visit (except Mondays when she is off) this time to avoid conflicting information (which happened constantly). This makes me feel good. I love Jen.
8. I now have time to digest this recent loss before our company arrives (more below).

The bad news is:
1. I'm not pregnant.

Yet. Damn, Sage would be so proud. Look at me looking at the positives, along with the negatives.

Tomorrow is Friday for us. My brother, SIL and 4-month old niece come into town to stay with us until Sunday. We will be going to the NCAA tournament Thursday and Saturday. On Friday, my parents and my grandma will come over to the house to hang out. My beta was supposed to be Friday. I had all kinds of nightmarish visions of getting a BFN with my family at my house. While this could have been a good scenario (celebration or support if needed), I was just anxious about dealing with that kind of news around people. Last time I wanted to be around no one other than B. No one. Even though they are my family. I was worried about wanting to lock myself in our bedroom alone for hours on Friday.

On Saturday, we are going to visit G&K to meet their infant twins (although technically, B and I did meet them briefly when they were in the NICU). I was also worried that with a fresh, raw, open wound of a new BFN, I would be in tears the whole day Saturday and would maybe not be up to this visit. I still don't know how I will feel by then. But at least there is a chance now that I will be okay with the visit and even enjoy it. Tonight I feel strong. I feel good and hopeful. But I am fresh off a great conversation with my RE and two glasses of really good wine.

So I need to apologize in advance to my family and G&K. I'm sorry if I break down at random times over the next few days. I'm sorry if I'm not a ball of sunshine to be around. I will try, really. But I can't make any promises. Please know that if a break down does occur, it has nothing to do with you or your babies. It is just my sadness bubbling back up to the surface. Because it is still there. Raw and searing as ever. It is just balanced by hope at the moment. And I hope I can maintain that balance.

32 comments:

Maryanne said...

Denise - I am so sorry!!! Nothing I can say will make this feel any better - just know you are not alone and there is always a glimmer of hope somewhere. Looks like we are in the same boat.

Rhonda said...

you may not want words or anything for that matter...i am so sad right now, i have tears in my eyes, but that does not change things...what a pos deal, such a raw, crap, POS deal...

glad you have the wine...crap...

Alison said...

I am so sorry Denise. I do not know what words I can offer you. I cannot imagine the heartbreak and frustration you are going through. Please know that I am right here thinking and praying for you.

PJ said...

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry. I was cheering for you. I hoped it would be sooner than later, but I'm still cheering for you. It WILL happen.

You are so strong and positive. You've been through so much with this. I truly admire your strength.

I'm glad that you have a determined and devoted RE.

Enjoy your family this week. Enjoy some more wine. Take it easy.

luna said...

oh denise I am so sorry. you sound so incredibly clear and positive and forward-looking. and it sounds like you have a good plan for next time.

I think peeing at home helps ease the blow of that call, though when I get the bfns I think why bother with the beta too... anyway, I'm just sorry.

you have an excellent bottle of wine there, which I hope softens the blow at least temporarily -- too bad such a nice buzz can't last longer... ~luna

shinejil said...

Damn it!

It's good that your doc is hopeful and is now making sure your care is outstanding. I'm very glad to hear that; we all need as much clarity as we can get.

Maria said...

Denise, I am so truly sorry about your bfn. I'm glad you were able to drink some wine, even though it isn't what you want.

You listed 8 really great reasons to have hope for the future. I know the one negative out weighs the 8 positive, but you have an amazing doctor working with you that really wants this to happen! That counts for a lot!

Melanie said...

Denise, it's crap news. But the hope is good stuff. The bullshit reality is that sometimes getting what you really, really want isn't easy. I believe, like your doctor, it's going to work for you. And you've got good company among those of us who aren't getting any breaks on this infertility path either. Hang onto the hope, but do drink lots of wine.

Waiting said...

Denise, You sound like you have an EXCELLENT doctor that is 100% dedicated to getting you pregnant. I hope that thought continues to make you feel hopeful through all of the hard times.

Bec said...

It sounds like you have a really good doctor who truely cares...he gave you his cell phone # to call while he was on vacation (I bet his wife loved that!) I think his dedication will pay off for your shortly.

Mrs.X said...

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. This has been quite a wild ride and so frustrating. I think having your family around this weekend will bring you a great deal of comfort - just be gentle with yourself.

Lori said...

Crap. Just crap.

I agree with your assessment about Hope. It took me years to forgive her for leading me on so.

So sorry, Denise.

XO

Meg said...

Oh Denise, I am just heartbroken. I am glad you picked a kiss a$$ bottle and have such a good doctor. I am so sorry. Hang in there with the fam this weekend.

Ahuva Batya said...

Denise, you have had to deal with so many disappointments just since I started reading your blog, and you amaze me with your optimism and strength. I am so, so very sorry that this is the news, and it is so unfair. Please take care of yourself.. you have a great doctor, and a great spouse, and I KNOW this will work for you. I know it.

JJ said...

Im so sorry Denise--I was thinking about you this morning, and was sad to read this news. BUT-your positive list is a GREAT one...and the hope is not gone at all!
Enjoy all the wine you wish! (ill have some for you too) ;)

K said...

Denise, I don't know what to say to make you feel better. Maybe nothing, but give you a hug. All I can say is sorry, so sorry.

The Town Criers said...

I'm sorry, sweetie. While the good list is long, I wish the bad list was empty. Especially of the one thing listed.

InfertileMyrtle said...

I'm so so sorry. That's terrible news. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Jen said...

I don't know if the first one went through, so I'm sending all my love again.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. But I am thrilled to hear that hope in your voice. And I know it WILL happen. We are just destined to cycle right around each other. But only one more time until success.

chicklet said...

Crap, that blows. But my gawd you have a good doctor - with cell and vacation and all!

On him being so positive, it's hard isn't it? Mine's the same - determined to make this happen, sure it will, and while I appreciate that he thinks so sometimes I get annoyed thathe's so damn positive cuz it hasn't happened and maybe he's just in denial. It's hard to let people hope for you...

nancy said...

mutha fuckin shit balls.

Denise, I'm just so sorry. I know that me feeling sorry for you doesn't make this any better. Who wants someone's damned "i'm sorrys" when all you wanted was a bfp. Its just fucking unfair is what it is. You deserve so much more and it just sucks that you didn't get it this time.

I just wrote a big thing about this to someone else yesterday. The aspect of having to go through all of this to finally get our bfps. To be the "lucky" ones to know just how much we really want to be a mom. To not just get it without really ~knowing~ where we stand on the subject. I can't tell you how many people I know who were wondering whether or not to have kids and then their pregnancy made the decision for them. But for us, we knew. WE made the decision. And not only did we make the decision, we tried hard and long for it. We made sacrifices. We KNOW. I'm not saying that the love of someone who didn't have to try is any different than the love of someone who went through hell and back. But I can tell you that the luckiness we feel IS different. The deserving IS different. I bet you that none of those horrible people who do terrible things to their children are women who went through IF. We just know how precious everything we end up with is. It IS different for us.

And when you finally do end up with your BFP and a baby in your arms, all of these failures will be worth it. All these failures will still suck, but it'll be worth it. If it takes us a few huge hurdles (ivf) to get our bfp, then that's what has to happen. But without trying and failing, we'll never make it to that success.

Denise, my heart is just broken for you. I'm truly sorry.

~Carrie said...

:( Oh Denise, I am so sorry that this cycle didn't work. I wish I had something more eloquent to say. I am so very, very sorry. Even with this crappy (to say the least) news, you have such
determination and an amazing positive outlook.
Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.

Io said...

Denise, I am so sorry. You are so incredible and I wish I had better words to give you. I agree with Melanie - keep hope around and in teh meantime drink lots of wine.

Kristina said...

G&K are incredibly saddened to hear this news. We are impressed and proud of the strength and determination you are showing. Also...G&K don't want you to do anything this weekend that will make you uncomfortable or sad. We understand the freshness of this news. Please take care of yourself first.

Magellan said...

Aww dude...I'm so sorry. That sucks hardcore. You're doing a great job staying positive and looking forward. I'll always be rooting and praying for you.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm so sorry, Denise. I was really wishing - along with you and everybody else - for the opposite outcome. I hope you can take care of yourself or let others take care of you in the ways you need this weekend - you don't need to be a ball of sunshine right now. It's ok to just be yourself - sad, hopeful, and whatever else comes up for you.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers this weekend even more than usual.

Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry...I don't even know what to say, but I wanted to let you know that you are being thought of.

Laura said...

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. Hugs!

Jennifer said...

I am soooo sorry, Denise. Damn those BFN!!! You are in my thoughts...I wish you lots of luck in your next cycle! Be strong!

Super O said...

Arrgh!! So sorry! How courageous of you to focus on the positives, because really, that's the best thing to do. When it does work for you next time, all of this will seem a million miles away. If Dr. S thinks it's possible, I'm sure it is as I've heard he doesn't mince his words.

Optimistic said...

I'm so sorry!!!

IVFer said...

im so sorry Denise! I dont know what i can say to make it better.

Just want to share with you a thought i hold on to dearly after my bfn, "Patience will get us there"