I woke up this morning feeling so-so, but dragged myself out of bed anyway thinking I'd feel better once I got into the office. About half way into work, while sitting in traffic on snow-packed roads, I realized how stupid I was being. I don't know where I got this work ethic that sometimes makes me sacrifice my own health for my job--or maybe it's just a control thing. I felt like crap. I was dizzy, in a cold sweat and nauseas. Even changing lanes seemed to take an incredible amount of effort. So I got off the highway, got back on going the other direction and somehow made my way home without wrecking the car. It was a relief to get back to the house, but then I had to deal with 2 crazy hyper dogs who's day suddenly went from boring to EXCITING! I locked them outside for a bit and then locked myself into the bathroom. I'm guessing it's the antibiotics that are not agreeing with me.
So here I am back on the couch with my laptop having spent most of the day responding to work emails and trying to ignore the ball of snow/ice walking around the house that is now our mini schnauzer (we have a yard full of snow and every time she goes out, it sticks to her fine undercoat like velcro). I have been fighting exhaustion all day, but I'm afraid to sleep for fear I won't be able to fall asleep tonight (which happened last night). And I'm finding I don't have the patience for work that I used to. I've been noticing this phenomenon for some time and I wish I could control it better. Some days are better than others, but add in a constantly crashing laptop today and I found myself needlessly exasperated by everyone else's stupidity (not that they are stupid, I just have no patience).
So, as great as I thought I was feeling yesterday, turns out I'm not quite 100%, physically or emotionally (you were right, Meg!). I think I will be better once we get moving on a new cycle (even if I go crazy and EB comes out again when I go back on Lupron) because at least then I will feel like we're making progress, doing something proactive. Today I just feel empty.
Scotland, Part Two
1 day ago