Monday, December 24, 2007

And We're Off to the Next Stage of Waiting

I think. I had some light bleeding start last night and it is continuing lightly today, so I called the nurse and was given my instructions. I start BCP either tomorrow (if I continue to just have light bleeding) or on CD3 if it gets heavier with the first heavy day being CD1.

I'm having some very mixed feelings today. On the one hand, this is what we've been waiting for and I'm exited to be starting a new cycle. On the other hand, I'm moody, grumpy and crampy and realizing it has been a little nice to have some of the pressure lifted while we were on hold the last few weeks. Not tracking cycle days, not worrying about medications and doctors appointments (for the most part). Not disappointing our friends and family when things didn't go as expected.

Part of me can't wait to get into this next FET attempt and hopefully actually make it to transfer, but the rest of me is terrified of more disappointment. What if they can't get my lining to cooperate again? What if they find another abnormality and want to do another D&C? What if we go through all of that again and are postponed another couple of months? What if we actually get to a transfer, but none of the embryos survive the thaw? There are so many negatives that keep popping up in my head, it's hard to imagine that this could ever actually work. And yet I'm confronted by the fact that these procedures DO work, by others who have gone through it, by stories of someone who knows someone. It is just hard to imagine it working for US.

I know a lot of people believe in the power of positive thinking or have faith that some higher power will help them through the process and bring them their miracle. I am just not one of those people. I believe in the science, but because of its limitations, I really think what is mostly comes down to is luck and statistics. Eventually, one of these times we will have GOOD luck and things will all align and work out. Right?

Sorry to be such a downer today. I'm just not feeling very merry lately.


Maria said...

It's okay to feel the way you are. It's realistic to be thinking those things. I agree too, that it all comes down to luck!

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that you get "lucky" with this FET!!

Merry Christmas!

Jen said...

I understand!

So what is your timeline? When will the FET be?