Misunderstood

Okay, so I want to clear something up here. I've been getting some comments from friends IRL who are assuming that I don't want to talk about what we are going through. They may think that this blog gives me a place to express my thoughts and that I don't want them to bother me about it IRL. They don't want to upset me by bringing it up. This assumption could not be more wrong. Maybe it is my fault for somehow giving people this impression, because it has been more than one person, but I don't know.

When I know someone is reading my blog (or at least knows about it because I specifically made a point to give them the url), but doesn't say anything to me, it just makes me wonder if they really do care enough to read it and if they are reading it, maybe they don't care enough to express their thoughts to me or are embarrassed or too busy, or have been abducted by aliens (I can think of a myriad of reasons in my head when I'm not given the actual reasons). I know not everyone will comment using this format and that is fine, I don't expect them to. But it is nice to know when I do talk to these people that they are reading, that they care, and a simple "how are things going with your cycle?" always does the trick. If I don't want to talk about it, I will let you know. If you know me at all, you know I would be honest about that. If I've made a point of telling you about our fertility issues, it means I value your friendship and trust you enough to lay it all out there. It means I WANT to talk to you about it.

This is not to say that many of our friends don't already do this on a daily basis. We do have very thoughtful friends who check in on us frequently, some of who have been through all of this before. And even some who have no idea what this is like who just always seem to find the perfect thing to say. The best feeling in the world is when someone who knows nothing about this goes and educates themselves on their own or asks you questions to show that they want to learn, want to understand. These people make you feel not so alone, justified in your quest to seek medical intervention, and supported like a great sports bra.

And in case this doesn't clear things up, please go read this post (which I also have a link to in my sidebar courtesy of Tertia).

The Peace Lily

We've had this house plant-I think it's a peace lily-for years now and I'm proud to say it is still alive. My brother and sister-in-law gave it to us as a gift years ago and I was terrified that I would kill it because, well, I tend to do that. I get busy (I mean lazy) and forget to water, I over water, I yell at the plant. Just kidding on that last one. But seriously, this plant must be the easiest plant to keep alive because it even droops to tell me when it needs water. Actually, it keeps the other plants alive as well (yes, we have a couple of other plants) because they also get watered when the peace lily droops.

When we first got the peace lily it had some beautiful, white flowers in bloom. I think it sporadically bloomed every once in awhile, but I haven't seen a flower on it for at least 2-3 years. I thought it was done. Kind of like when you get older and run out of good eggs (if you had good eggs to begin with)-I thought my peace lily hit menopause.

And then randomly on Christmas (or maybe it was Christmas Eve) I was sitting on the couch watching tv and happened to look at the plant. It had the beginnings of what I believe to be a new white flower. It wasn't open or anything, but it was definitely a start, a promise of a new bloom. For some reason, I was happy. I don't usually get happy about plants. Just not a plant person. But this one lone white flower that came out of nowhere against all odds to show up right as we were starting a new cycle...yeah, yeah, you get where I'm going with this. I saw it as a ray of hope. I don't know the history of the peace lily or why it carries its name, but maybe it's because it is supposed to give people peace. Not that having a screaming infant in the house would be peaceful, but it would bring peace to my heart and soul and get rid of the achy, emptiness that seems to reside where my heart used to be.

Super Secret Spies

Last night we went out to dinner with some friends as we had a friend in town visiting for the holidays. It was good to catch up as we hadn't seen some of them for a year. I did have a couple of those moments where I felt completely isolated and slightly out of body because none of them know what we are going through and there were several conversations about their kids. It's like we lead this secret double life that only certain friends and family are aware of. Only instead of something cool like being double super secret spies for some underground organization, we have this secret life of cool needles, syringes, drugs, patches, suppositories, calendars and doctor's visits. Remember that Arnold/Jamie Lee Curtis move, True Lies? We are Boris and Natasha and our weapons are little needles.

Today was a fairly exciting day in our secret spy lives as we received our latest mission (calendar) and weapons (pharmacy order). The needles should arrive this Saturday sometime between 8am and 3pm (they won't give us a specific time as this could alert the enemy as to when they could steal the weapons). We will start injecting the suppression army troops (Lu.pron) on January 1st. What a lovely way to start out the New Year, eh? The tentative launch date (transfer) is January 29th. Sorry, I'm being extremely cheesy today. Must be all the snow around here. So if all goes well (cross every finger, toe, eye, leg and arm I have), we should get a transfer in for January.

Our detailed schedule is as follows (in case you were all dying of suspense):
December 25-started BCP
January 1-start 10 units of Lu.pron per day
January 5-last BCP
January 8 (ish)-expect AF (all dates below subject to moving based on timing of AF)
January 10-Begin Viv.elle patches (estrogen replacement therapy) and baby aspirin
January 16-Blood draw to check estradiol level
January 22-Doppler ultrasound to check lining and blood flow
January 25-Doppler ultrasound and blood draw to check estradiol level
January 27-Stop Lu.pron, continue Viv.elle patches, add PIO injections each morning and progesterone suppository each night. Also begin tetra.cycline at night and then 4 times per day for next 3.5 days. Start me.drol for 4 nights.
January 29-tentative transfer date
February 10-pregnancy test

You've GOT to Be Kidding Me!

Is this a misguided attempt at some crazy couple trying to bring some infertile couple out there a holiday miracle?

And We're Off to the Next Stage of Waiting

I think. I had some light bleeding start last night and it is continuing lightly today, so I called the nurse and was given my instructions. I start BCP either tomorrow (if I continue to just have light bleeding) or on CD3 if it gets heavier with the first heavy day being CD1.

I'm having some very mixed feelings today. On the one hand, this is what we've been waiting for and I'm exited to be starting a new cycle. On the other hand, I'm moody, grumpy and crampy and realizing it has been a little nice to have some of the pressure lifted while we were on hold the last few weeks. Not tracking cycle days, not worrying about medications and doctors appointments (for the most part). Not disappointing our friends and family when things didn't go as expected.

Part of me can't wait to get into this next FET attempt and hopefully actually make it to transfer, but the rest of me is terrified of more disappointment. What if they can't get my lining to cooperate again? What if they find another abnormality and want to do another D&C? What if we go through all of that again and are postponed another couple of months? What if we actually get to a transfer, but none of the embryos survive the thaw? There are so many negatives that keep popping up in my head, it's hard to imagine that this could ever actually work. And yet I'm confronted by the fact that these procedures DO work, by others who have gone through it, by stories of someone who knows someone. It is just hard to imagine it working for US.

I know a lot of people believe in the power of positive thinking or have faith that some higher power will help them through the process and bring them their miracle. I am just not one of those people. I believe in the science, but because of its limitations, I really think what is mostly comes down to is luck and statistics. Eventually, one of these times we will have GOOD luck and things will all align and work out. Right?

Sorry to be such a downer today. I'm just not feeling very merry lately.

What Dogs Do on Cold, Snowy Nights

Un-Update

I know I've been MIA lately, but I just couldn't seem to find 2 minutes to deal with any type of personal matter this week. Work has kept me really busy from about 6:30am until around 9pm or even 11pm some nights this week. The good news is, one of our transactions closed today, so I do feel a bit of a load released off my shoulders.

The other reason for my absence is just that I have no news to report. No AF. No signs of an impending visit. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. The really weird thing is that it hasn't bothered me very much yet (and I'm sure by typing that I will immediately start obsessing about it now). Probably just because work has kept me so busy. But the truth is I have been thinking about it off an on, but rather than a panicked "where the hell is AF???!!!" it's been more of the "hmm, that's interesting, this is taking awhile" reaction. Maybe I'm actually learning to let go of some of my control issues and accept things as they come. Or maybe I'm just exhausted and don't have the energy to obsess over it for the moment.

Post-Op

Today was my post-op and everything went fine. I got a lovely pelvic exam and the RE said everything looks great and I'm cleared for "normal activity" and to call with cycle day 1. Yea! The only curious thing is that I'm still having cramping, lower back pain, etc. Maybe it's just a sign of my impending period and it just happens that it's overlapping with cramps from the procedure? So hard to tell-I just don't trust my body these days. When I told the RE I was still cramping he said that was strange because everything looks normal. That was it-all he said, so I'm assuming it's nothing to be concerned about? He's so weird.

Four more days until vacation!

Another Anniversary

I have scheduled my post-op appointment for Monday morning, but I really have no idea what this entails. I suppose it is just a quick check from the doc to give us the go ahead to start our next cycle when AF decides to arrive.

I am exhausted from my first full day back at work. I have to work this weekend because we have two HUGE transactions closing next week. I really can't wait for next week to be over.

Next week also marks my third anniversary with my current employer. It is ridiculous to think about this now, but three years ago we were concerned about waiting to try to get pregnant for awhile so that I would hit my 2 year anniversary at work right before the first kid was born. At the 2 year mark, the maternity benefits at my work go from crappy to pretty darn good. It really seems stupid that we were concerned about this, but hindsight is 20/20, right?

I've been noticing this week that the two women in my department who are currently pregnant are chatting quite a bit more than they used to. Of course it may just be my uber-sensitivity kicking in and things are no different than they used to be, but it really seems to me like they have a lot more to chat about these days. I pass by them in the halls and imagine them comparing pregnancy symptoms, plans for nurseries, baby names (and on and on and on). It is just another reminder (multiple times a day) that I haven't been accepted into this club that I so want to be a member of. I've submitted my application so many times, each time filling it out more carefully, just to be rejected again. I just hope there's no limit on how many times we can apply. Oh, and I hope the person making the admittance decisions gets fired and replaced with my mom (she would definitely let us in).

On another note, one of my friends just gave birth to beautiful twin girls at 32 weeks yesterday (as some of you reading this already know). I called the husband last night to congratulate them and even while they are going through this really scary time, he still found time to express how they are pulling for us and how they know what we are going through must be really hard. It meant a lot to me. Our friends rock.

Good News (not great, but good)

I made it into work for about 4 hours today, which is progress. Starting to feel less dizzy and shaky, but now I'm achy and crampy. It's always something isn't it? We did get the results from pathology today and there was nothing abnormal in the endometrial lining tissue. Just "normal" endometrial hyperplasia. So the good news is, I don't have cancer or anything like that. The bad news is they don't have any idea what caused the abnormal lining. Let's just hope it doesn't happen again. So the waiting continues-we will sit here and twiddle our thumbs until AF arrives to start another cycle.

Other than that, not much going on with us. Today is B's birthday, but he doesn't want to do anything to celebrate. Can't say I blame him. It sucks getting older knowing that the clock is ticking and that it is just yet another milestone passing while we are still childless. Of course, he probably doesn't see it that way at all-he's not a big birthday person to begin with. It's just my negative thoughts creeping in.

Recovery Revisited

I woke up this morning feeling so-so, but dragged myself out of bed anyway thinking I'd feel better once I got into the office. About half way into work, while sitting in traffic on snow-packed roads, I realized how stupid I was being. I don't know where I got this work ethic that sometimes makes me sacrifice my own health for my job--or maybe it's just a control thing. I felt like crap. I was dizzy, in a cold sweat and nauseas. Even changing lanes seemed to take an incredible amount of effort. So I got off the highway, got back on going the other direction and somehow made my way home without wrecking the car. It was a relief to get back to the house, but then I had to deal with 2 crazy hyper dogs who's day suddenly went from boring to EXCITING! I locked them outside for a bit and then locked myself into the bathroom. I'm guessing it's the antibiotics that are not agreeing with me.

So here I am back on the couch with my laptop having spent most of the day responding to work emails and trying to ignore the ball of snow/ice walking around the house that is now our mini schnauzer (we have a yard full of snow and every time she goes out, it sticks to her fine undercoat like velcro). I have been fighting exhaustion all day, but I'm afraid to sleep for fear I won't be able to fall asleep tonight (which happened last night). And I'm finding I don't have the patience for work that I used to. I've been noticing this phenomenon for some time and I wish I could control it better. Some days are better than others, but add in a constantly crashing laptop today and I found myself needlessly exasperated by everyone else's stupidity (not that they are stupid, I just have no patience).

So, as great as I thought I was feeling yesterday, turns out I'm not quite 100%, physically or emotionally (you were right, Meg!). I think I will be better once we get moving on a new cycle (even if I go crazy and EB comes out again when I go back on Lupron) because at least then I will feel like we're making progress, doing something proactive. Today I just feel empty.

Recovery

Just a quick note to follow up on my recovery. Still feeling pretty good today, just a little sore. The main problem is that I can't seem to keep my eyes open for more than 30 minutes at a time. I didn't sleep much yesterday once we got home from the clinic and I'm thinking that it may be catching up to me now. I'm glad I decided to take today off of work because I'm not sure I would have made it all the way in today without passing out at the wheel (not to mention another snow storm creating the likelihood of a 2 hour commute this morning).

B took Molly (our big puppy) to daycare today so she would be out of my hair, but left Scout (the little dog) home with me. It took Scout about an hour to settle down after B left with Molly, but then we both crashed on the bed for an hour or so before moving to the couch. So, just here resting up for the day and hoping I get my energy back tomorrow. I am a little worried about what's going on at work given some of the email traffic I'm seeing--my immediate boss is out of the country this week and the senior manager who's covering for me through today threw her back out this weekend and isn't exactly 100% (yikes!). I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of energy to deal with the next couple of weeks at work.

One thing the RE mentioned yesterday was that he thought my cycle would likely begin from the spotting I had after coming off the FET meds the weekend before Thanksgiving. That's not the impression he gave us at our regroup, so here I was thinking I was having a crazy long cycle and worry about what that meant (did the meds forever screw me up and I'll never have regular cycles again?!?). If he's right about this, I should get AF sometime this weekend or shortly thereafter which means I can go in BCP on CD3 and will get my calendar for our next shot at FET. I'm really, really hoping my lining is great this go round and that the D&C wasn't for nothing.

Oh, and we were told to expect results from pathology by about Thursday, so we can call Thursday afternoon to see they have received results. Not sure exactly what I'm expecting from this, but I'm curious. Just hope I have time to call them while at work on Thursday because they don't answer calls after 4:30pm. Wish my office kept those hours!

AN ENEMA!!!!!!!

I'm happy to report that the D&C went better than expected. The nausea was kept to a minimum (thanks either to the anti-nausea meds they gave me or thanks to the fact that I wasn't already feeling so crappy like I was before the retrieval), I'm not nearly in as much pain as I was expecting, and I'm not (TMI) bleeding nearly as much as I expected. I am still feeling the effects of the anesthesia and just a bit out of it, but it isn't too bad.

I had trouble sleeping last night (big surprise) and was pretty tired and nervous this morning. We got to the clinic at 6:30, sat in the waiting room for about 5 minutes, filled out some paperwork and then they prepped me for the procedure (started an IV, hooked up all the machines to monitor my vitals, etc.). We met the anesthesiologist who simply reiterated the information we had discussed yesterday. At 7:30 they wheeled me back to the operating room, raised the bed up and were helping me onto the table. I started to feel dizzy, commented on that fact, heard the anesthesiologist say "that's the medicine I gave you," and that was it. I vaguely remember some comment during the procedure about adjusting the level of anesthesia, but I can't be sure if that was a dream or not (and I forgot to ask about it afterwards).

I woke up in the recovery area and it was about 8:30. I remember thinking it was later than I expected because the procedure was only supposed to take 30 minutes, but maybe it just took that long to start coming out of the anesthesia. I was in the same area where I was to recover from the retrieval, so I knew where I was. The nurse came over pretty much right away and asked if I was feeling okay. I told her I was feeling some cramping so she added some pain meds to my IV and I fell back asleep.

I would open my eyes for about 5 seconds, look to the right of the bed to see if B was sitting in a chair waiting for me to wake up (wondered why he wasn't sitting there yet), and shut my eyes and succumb to the sedation again for another 10 minutes. This happened a couple of times. Around 9:00 the nurse came over again and I asked her where B was. She said she would go get him. He came in and said he was starting to get worried and was about to let himself into the recovery area to find me. I'm still not sure why they took so long to go get him because we didn't ask. Maybe the nurses were just busy? Then they sat me up in a chair for awhile, gave me some water and some fluids and just made sure I was doing okay.

This visit to the surgery center was definitely easier and more pleasant than my last 3 visits (retrieval and 2 visits after that to deal with the effects of my OHSS). But there weren't any funny stories resulting from this visit. About 3 days after my retrieval, they had me come back into the surgery center to get an IV with fluids because I was very dehydrated, nauseous, constipated and still in pain. After 2 bags of fluid, I still wasn't feeling better and the RE was getting a little concerned that there might be something else going on (i.e. appendicitis) that they couldn't diagnose. B was on the phone with Mom explaining to her that they wanted me to go down to the emergency room to get checked out just in case and that they might give me an enema to help with the constipation. B was on his cell phone and Mom was on her cell phone coming down from the mountains and it wasn't the best connection. To back up a bit here, B was sitting in the waiting room in the surgery center which is a tiny little room with about 8 or so chairs. So because of the bad connection, Mom was having trouble hearing and B had to keep repeating "an enema," "an enema," getting progressively louder until he was practically screaming "AN ENEMA!!!!!" throughout the building. Luckily Mom finally heard that because B's next comment (he told me later) was about to include some very bad curse words. Isn't it great how this journey brings people closer together?

I'm not sure if he was going to stop by anyway, but we did ask to talk to the RE after the procedure while I was in recovery. He came by and asked how I was doing and that was about it. I had to ask him if the procedure went well, how long it would take to get results back from pathology, etc. Strange that a doctor wouldn't think to tell you these things without you having to ask. I asked him if he found an alien in my uterus or anything like that hoping to get him to crack a smile or something. He did kind of joke back that "no, we didn't find any aliens, but the pathologists will tell us for sure." One of these days I'm going to drag enough conversation out of him that he begins to resemble a normal human being with normal emotions.

Nerves

Tomorrow is the D&C. The last 3 weeks since our regroup actually went by pretty fast. I wasn't really even thinking about the D&C much this weekend until the anesthesiologist called this afternoon. He was great and I think he might be the same one I had for our retrieval. He assured me that they would add an anti-nausea medication to the IV cocktail to try to prevent another exorcist scene like I had after the drive home from the retrieval. I don't want to repeat that experience. I tried to keep busy today, which was easy because I'm just a big bundle of nerves right now. I do realize this is a fairly common procedure, but it isn't common for ME.

We have to be at the clinic at 6:30am tomorrow, but I'm not too concerned about the early hour as I hope I'll spend the rest of the day sleeping off the anesthesia. I'm planning on taking Tuesday off of work also to recover and I'm really hoping I'm ready to go back to work on Wednesday (okay, kind of hoping).

It has been a little disturbing that AF still hasn't shown and I'm now on day 50 (?) or so of my last cycle. When I asked the RE if this was something to be concerned about, he didn't really give me an answer. He just said that if he were concerned, his recommendation would be to "take a look in there" and that is what we are doing tomorrow anyway. So I'm trying not to worry about it, trying not to make it into something it isn't. I did, however, spend most of the night last night dreaming of getting my period. I mean, really, can't I at least have more interesting dreams? It's bad enough that this stuff is all I think about and all I can talk about, but do I really have to dream about it too?

The good news is, my sore throat has completely disappeared. I'm giving credit to the Halls Defense vitamin C drops, the 1 glass of OJ a day and the 2 glasses of wine I had with dinner Friday night. I wish I could prove that wine cures sore throats. I'd be filthy rich!

The Element of Surprise & Managing Expectations

Yesterday at my pre-op appointment, I had to put down a $2,000 deposit. I expected this expenditure because the surgery coordinator had walked through every piece of our payment for the D&C with us when we scheduled the surgery. I knew it was a deposit and that we would have to wait for the clinic to mail us an insurance claim form which we would then send off to the insurance company and hope for the best.

After the appointment, it was down to the lab for the zillionth blood draw of the year for an ironic HCG test (like there's any chance of actually being pregnant right now...). The lab tech drew blood and then said "that will be $90." Okay, I know $90 is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things. It is probably the smallest amount we have paid for anything during this journey. But I KNOW there was no mention of a $90 charge for an HCG test as a pre-requisite to the D&C when we talked to the surgery coordinator. She mentioned the cost of the anesthesia, surgery center charge, doctor's charge, etc., etc., etc., but no $90 charge for a pregnancy test. It is so amazing that there is always an element of surprise to everything we do with this clinic (is it like this at other clinics?). I've mentioned the element of surprise to various nurses before and the comment is always some excuse about how they can't predict all of the variables that may occur in any one cycle (I will come back to this excuse). But this was not a variable in a cycle. This is a standard test that is REQUIRED before ANY D&C that is done for ANY reason.

Every time something like this happens, I'm haunted by something our RE said at our first consult. He mentioned that some patients are comforted by how controlled every thing is in his clinic, that they don't have to chart temperatures, track dates, etc. because the clinic does that all for you, tells you what to do and when and you just "show up." He seemed to believe a lot of women LIKE giving up control and letting the clinic "take the reigns" and take care of everything. I didn't think too much of this conversation at the time, having just come off a couple of failed IUI cycles with my OB where I felt like everything was up to me (and I failed miserably). But really, I like to be in control of my own destiny (who doesn't?), which is what makes this infertility stuff so frustrating in the first place. This is the first time in my life that I can remember not having the ABILITY to make something happen if I really wanted it to happen (other than wanting to have ESP as a kid and staring at a pencil on a table for hours at a time willing it to move with the amazing power of my brain).

So back to the many variables of a cycle conversation(s). The main RE at our clinic has been doing this for approximately 20 years. I know the human body is complicated, but don't you think he's probably run into most if not all of the variable responses to the different medications and protocols by now? I also know each person is different and each person's reaction to different medications is different. HOWEVER, I keep thinking that they have some huge file somewhere that tracks all of this stuff and wouldn 't it just make PERFECT sense to put all of this information on their website where you can search for different scenarios (enter your protocol, age, etc. and see all the "maybe's" of what could happen--good and bad). And then you could prepare yourself for all of the possible things that could go wrong and prolong your cycle, cancel your cycle, cause a pregnancy to fail, etc. Maybe this is just my simple mind's way of expecting some way to process information and manage my own expectations. Maybe it's the accountant/consultant in me who has been taught to manage other people's expectations with some dose of reality. They must not teach this very well in the RE world.

The lab tech who asked me for the $90 unfortunately had to deal with my not so positive reaction of "HUH?!! What is this $90 you are referring to? I was NOT told about this $90. Why is everything such a friggin surprise in this place?! Over and over and over!!! It is always SOMETHING. Jeez!!!" To her credit, she took the rant well, was very sympathetic and I could tell she felt really bad. She said they get this type of reaction A LOT. She also pointed me to the comment cards in the lobby (which I had never noticed) and assured me that the comments do get addressed. I plan to fill out about 50 of these comment cards.

What would you put on a comment card that certainly won't fit nearly as much as I've written above in this post? How do you express the frustration, anger and amazement in just a few short words? It reminds me of those posters we used to see in certain teacher's classrooms about writing your complaints in a tiny, tiny box. It's a joke.

Shoo sore throat, shoo! (and other random thoughts)

Three days and counting since I first felt the beginnings of a sore throat. I've spent every minute since willing it away, drinking OJ, taking vitamins, working out, thinking positive thoughts, sacrificing rats. Okay, not the rat part. Just 4 more days until my D&C which means 4 more days to get rid of this bug that is trying its best to be the next detour on our road to babyland. My pre-op appointment is tomorrow in the middle of the day, sandwiched between back to back meetings at work. Sounds like fun, huh?

I'm actually quite excited that tomorrow is Friday. This week was incredibly busy at work and I think I handled the stress quite well, if I do say so myself. We are going out to dinner after work tomorrow with some friends to a tapas/wine bar, which I'm SOOOO looking forward to. No big plans for the weekend other than a little holiday shopping, some work on my niece's Christmas present, and hopefully a lot of rest.

It's supposed to be cold and snowy all weekend. B and I have been building up miles on United for years now and actually have more than enough for two free tickets. We've talked about using those miles for a trip to Hawaii to replay our honeymoon, but just can't stomach planning anything for fear it will interfere with a cycle. We had actually talked about taking a break and taking that trip had our first FET failed. But when the FET was cancelled, all I wanted to do was move forward and get back on track as quickly as possible. It's so frustrating getting that United statement every month and watching the miles just sit there. Poor, sad, lonely miles. They just want to be used.

One of Those Days

It happened again. Another coworker announced a pregnancy. I don't quite understand why I don't just expect these announcements by now. I mean, you would think I'd be used to it and just expect that everyone around me is pregnant. Call it a survival instinct, from now on I'll just assume every woman I see is pregnant and every man has a wife who is pregnant. Or maybe I should just spend all my time in bars where people are drinking and obviously (hopefully!) NOT pregnant. Yes, that would be productive. I will quit my job and just go sit in a bar all day long. Sounds like a perfect plan. Anyone want to join me?

Bubble Girl

The surgery coordinator at our clinic said something that's been haunting me ever since. If I get sick (a cold, or otherwise), we will need to reschedule the D&C. It's been kind of in the back of my head since she said it, but it is totally in the front now and won't go away. For some reason, today was the day at work where everyone seemed to show up sick or talking about a family member who is sick. I think I should go to work in a bubble the rest of the week. Do they sell those on ebay?

The Sunday Blues

I hate Sunday nights.  I've hated them since school days when I would dread having to go back to school Monday morning.  It wasn't because I hadn't done my homework (usually).  It was just that the freedom of the weekend was gone and I was now subject to the structure of responsibility and the clock.  Not much has changed.  Now I dread going back to work Monday morning-not because I don't have my work done (usually).  But the freedom of the weekend is gone, again.

This Sunday is worse.  Maybe it's because we spent a carefree weekend in the mountains with no schedule other than a dinner reservation.  The snowstorm didn't bother us (the dogs were kenneled and we didn't have deal with snowy, icy walks), we didn't have access to the internet, we didn't have to check our blackberry's, and our phones hardly ever rang.    As we drove home from the mountains this morning, I could feel my mood slowly shifting.  As much as I love our house, it was depressing to come back home to unfinished holiday projects, laundry, responsibility and the calendar.  Maybe this Sunday is worse because this weekend was blissfully free of infertility reminders.  Sure we saw an occasional kid or two here and there, but they just don't seem as widespread in the mountains (at least not in the bars!).  Or maybe this Sunday is worse because my schedule shows a work week full of meetings that will keep me from getting the rest of my work done.  It is only the second day of December and it feels like year-end is rushing towards me like a freight train.

And yet time is also creeping by every so slowly (how is that possible?).  It has been over two weeks now since our last cycle was cancelled.  Two long, long weeks.  And there is another full week to go before our next step (the D&C).  I am still waiting for AF to show.  She is delayed for some reason, maybe the airline lost her luggage or maybe she ran out of gas and missed her flight.  Either way, I wish she would hurry.  The RE said the D&C will not change my cycle at all.  We can start the next FET with the first AF after the D&C.  I highly doubt AF will wait a whole extra week before showing (wouldn't that be great?), so I really just wish she'd arrive now to bring the next time that much closer.  COME ON ALREADY!!!