I'm Still Here

No I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, just out of the blogosphere. This week has been hard. I dragged myself to work and home each day and that was about it. By the time I get home each night, I'm sick, sore and exhausted. I force myself to eat something and then head up to bed no later than 8pm each night. Doesn't leave much time for blogging or reading other blogs. Or for anything else. I didn't even pick up any of my P books this week at all because the thought of reading (whether on paper or the computer) just makes me more queasy. I haven't even been obsessively staring at our ultrasound pictures because it just reminds me of how sick I feel.

The good thing is that once I get food down, I manage to keep it down. Problem is, it is really hard to just get it down. Nothing ever sounds good to me and most things don't taste like they used to. One day this week it took me an hour to eat half a bagel. I've lost a little bit of weight instead of gaining and I just don't feel healthy. The nurse assured me not to worry about it and just eat what I can. I've also been told I can go back to light exercise, but I can't even imagine doing anything other than lying on the couch right now.

I know that I sound ungrateful. I've been feeling guilty for acting this way because we've finally accomplished what we've been working towards for over two years and all I can do is complain. What happened to happy and excited? All I can say is that I will get there. Even if I feel like this through the whole pregnancy (please, don't make me do that), once these babies are born, happy and excited (although still exhausted) will be my best friends. Someday. It just feels so far away right now.

On Thursday I went back to the clinic to get blood drawn after I had been completely off of the en.dometrin for two days. I walked out of the building into the bright morning sunshine and wondered if it would be the last time I ever stepped foot in that place. I was afraid to hope for that, like just thinking it would jinx everything. Later that afternoon, my nurse called to tell me that I've officially graduated. They have released me to the care of my OB.

She told me to make sure I bring the babies in to visit when they are born and I told her I would never do that. I've been in that waiting room too many times feeling sorry for myself and bitter when someone brings a baby or a kid into the building. I just don't feel that it is appropriate unless there is no other choice. We agreed to meet at Targ.et some time since it is babyland anyway. She also made me promise to shoot her an email every once in awhile and let her know how things are going. I have to say, although I won't miss that place at all, I will miss my nurse. It feels like we've been through a war together.

I am now completely off all medications other than the baby aspirin (which I'll stay on through the first trimester) and my prenatal vitamins (which have taken on a whole new level of gross lately). From all physical aspects, I'm just a normal pregnant lady now. It feels really weird to say that and it is still a bit hard to believe. It is also a bit intimidating to think of going back to my OB's office and sitting in the waiting room will all the oblivious, normal pregnant women. I don't know if I'll ever feel like I belong there. I have my first appointment there next Wednesday, although it is just with a nurse practitioner, so I'm not sure what all they will do. I will be just shy of 8 weeks at that point. I wonder if we'll get to hear the heartbeats? That would be cool.

To all my blogging friends, I'm sorry I've been absent this week. I'll try to do some catching up on the weekends if I can.
Hope you are all doing okay.

And the Verdict Is...

Let me introduce you all to Sticky Bun (Bun A) and Sweet Bun (Bun B). We have 2 Buns baking! Sticky bun is measuring right on schedule (6w4d) and Sweet Bun is a day ahead (6w5d). They both look great! We weren't able to hear the thump of the little heartbeats because they don't like to use doppler this early on, but we did get to see the little flicker of both heartbeats on the screen and it was so cool! One was beating at 115 bpm and the other at 118 bpm, which is right on target. And my cervix looks great also (closed and long).

Looks like we'll definitely be reading that multiples book that K&G gave us!

On the Eve of a Big Day

I've been somewhat absent from this blog and my beloved blogging friends the last couple of days. This is due to two reasons. For one, we've had family in town and it's been a bit busy. Add to that the nausea that is now my constant companion. It has made staring at my computer screen a bit difficult. And since today begins NaComLeavMo (see icon down the right side of my sidebar), I thought I should get back in the game. I didn't realize how difficult leaving 5 comments a day would be for me in my current state. But I'll do my best.

I also haven't had too much to say lately. I've been trying not to obsess too much about tomorrow's ultrasound. I've been pushing the fear and doubt away and trying to take comfort in how crappy I've been feeling. At this point, I don't even care how many are in there. I just want one healthy Bun heartbeat in the right place. Pretty please.

Opportunity Knocks

I'm taking this opportunity to get a quick post in while I feel up to it. Since Monday night the nausea has kicked back in and by the time I get home, all I want to do is strip, eat and go to bed (in that order). B made a really nice dinner for me tonight (okay, most nights) and I took one look at it and thought I was going to throw up just looking at it. I just couldn't force myself to eat it. So I ate a nice healthy dinner of bagel bites instead. Mmm. Pizza, pasta and pizza and pasta related items seem to be the only things I even sort of like these days. Food has become fuel to me this week, it is no longer pleasure and that's weird. The other weird thing is that the things that I usually love and crave (chocolate, ice cream, cookies, anything sweet) don't sound appealing to me AT ALL.

The nausea is not specific to any time of the day, the worst of it comes and goes throughout the day, but it is constantly there at some level. I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not. I know this is GOOD. It is a good sign that there's still something going on in there. It is just hard to focus on that when I'm concentrating so hard on not throwing up. In meetings.

5 more days until our first look at the Buns!

Keep It Comin

The good news continues. My E2 came back today at 5,893 (should be over 300) and my P4 came back at 214. I swear the nurse said P4 just needs to be at least 6, but I must have heard wrong because last Thursday they told me 20, so maybe she said 60. Anyway, they are very happy with my levels so as of Wednesday, I will be officially patch free and down to only one suppository a day. Yippee!! I go back in so they can check levels again on Friday and I'm hoping at that time, they'll take me off the suppositories completely and I can be completely au natural-hormonally speaking (imagine that).

When I heard my E2 level today it started to make sense that I've felt pretty cruddy the last two days. Similar to how I felt during stims both times when my E2 was skyrocketing.

One more week until that first ultrasound. I'm hoping this week goes by quickly. I'm sure it will as my grandma (Hi Grandma!) will be coming to visit for a week on Wednesday. Although the Buns will be just the most recent in a pretty long line of great-grandkids for her, I know she is really excited for us. She reads my blog religiously (how cool is that?) and sends me encouraging emails. On Friday, my bro, SIL and niece (6mos) will be coming to visit and they will be staying with us for the weekend. Can't wait to see how my niece has grown in the last 2 months. My aunt will also be in town Thursday through Saturday, so we have a busy weekend ahead. I'm sure it will fly by!

Not Even My Own TMI

It was a tight race, but "Buns" is the winner by only one vote! Buns it is (I'm kind of sad for "Knickers" only getting the one vote because I thought it was cute and unique). At 7am on Memorial Day, we will get the first glimpse at Buns or the Buns, whichever it may be. Recent events have made it easy to forget how far away Memorial Day seems right now.

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I tried to get B to do a guest post, but he refused. It just feels weird to blog about someone else's bodily functions, but oh well. Even with starting stool softeners Monday and diligently taking fiber supplements since Wednesday afternoon, things just weren't "moving along." By Friday, the pain from B's surgery was essentially replaced with the pain of constipation. He didn't eat much yesterday and vomited twice (all liquid) and by the time I got home, he was lying in bed moaning in misery. It took me right back to after my first retrieval-I was SO miserable.

I started to worry about dehydration since he wasn't keeping water down and his urine was really dark. We ended up taking him to urgent care last night where he got a fun Friday night cocktail of an IV and an enema (ahhhh, memories). They gave him fluids and an anti-nausea medication through the IV and the enema worked wonders. This morning he was up and moving around pretty good and even accompanied me to the bank, to get a bagel and pick up the dogs from the kennel. It remains to be seen whether his digestive system will be back to normal now, but he is definitely much better than yesterday. The urgent care doc recommended magnesium citrate, but that seems to have just produced (or released?) a bunch of gas. Okay, done with the gross stuff now.

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Today at 2pm I did a little dance (okay, in my head I did a little dance) to celebrate being able to skip my afternoon end.ometrin. It was also nice to only put on one vi.velle patch this morning. Feels like we're making progress. I continue to experience just a slight undercurrent of queasiness, but it is manageable if I continue to eat and drink consistently. I'm also starting to feel a bit more tired but I think it is probably just from working full days again and then the drama of B's surgery this week. It has been a pretty exhausting week.

The girls are still big and sore, which doesn't really bother me, other than the fact that I can't wait to take my bra off by the end of the day. This isn't restricted to my bra though, I basically just want to strip all of my clothes off by the time I get into my car to drive home. Wouldn't that make for a fun show for my fellow rush hour drivers?

I have a bit of a confession to make. Last weekend, I went to the place that every infertile girl simultaneously lusts after and fears-the maternity store. Yup. At a measly 4w3d, I tried on some maternity clothes. I really went just to get belly bands because not one of my pairs of work pants button comfortably. This really started after retrieval, so I can't say I'm actually showing already, but it seems that the bloat just never went away. I felt really stupid even being in the store, not to mention trying clothes on. I did come out with a tank top and a sweater that don't really look maternity, and a shirt for work that does (this one will be in the closet for awhile).

What made the experience even more uncomfortable were the questions I got from the woman behind the register. She was very pregnant (maybe 8 months?) and immediately asked me when I was due. It felt really foolish to admit that I was only 4.5 weeks along and already shopping for maternity clothes. I mean, I'm sure that just by glancing through the window of the store I've completely jinxed everything, right? The last thing I wanted to mention the sleeping dragon and TALK about it.

So I just said "oh, not for a really, really long time." Unfortunately, that didn't stop the conversation. She went on and on about how it all goes quickly until you get to where she's at and then time just crawls. Then, in order to sign up to get all the free crap they send you, I had to give her my actual due date. "Wow, we're into January already?" Yeah, I felt like such an idiot. But I didn't want to pass on the free samples and coupons.

She asked if this was my first kid and chatted just like any normal fertile. I felt like such an impostor. I don't want to give you the wrong impression here. I am so grateful and excited to be where I am right now. But the thing is, I am realizing that I don't think I'll be able to fully relate to other pregnant women who got there the easy way. They just don't have the same fears and doubts that are always in the back of my mind. A lot are very ignorant of all that can go wrong and boy does the saying "ignorance is bliss" ring true with this.

To be honest, I haven't thought much about those nagging fears this week because we've been so busy. But I know those thoughts are there, just pushed behind everything else right now. And I don't really want to allow them to bubble to the surface.

Two Posts in One

I'm back. I didn't get a chance to post yesterday. We were at the surgery center most of the day and got home around 2pm. The surgery itself went really well. The surgeon told me that when he got in on the left side, there were actually two separate holes, so he technically had 3 separate hernias repaired.

Yesterday was extremely rough for B as he was in a ton of pain and the doc didn't give him sufficient painkillers. They gave him a prescription for per.cocet, but the dose was the same as what I had for my first retrieval (when we knew my transfer was cancelled) and for other ailments I've had. B generally doesn't feel the effect of medications as quickly as I do, he has a pretty high tolerance, so I'm not surprised the per.cocet wasn't enough. We had to go pick up another prescription for another painkiller at the doctor's office because they can't call in prescriptions for opiates. The two together seemed to help make his pain a little more tolerable by nighttime.

Between going up and down the stairs and generally moving around more than I have been, I was pretty sore by the end of the day and not feeling great. At one point I broke down sobbing. I just felt so overwhelmed and stressed by everything and it was so hard to see B in pain without being able to do anything to make it better. I felt so horrible for him. Just wait until I've got a kid to worry about.

Luckily my mom was here helping. I would have been crying a lot sooner and a lot more frequently had she not been here. The one stupid thing we did was not thinking about kenneling the dogs. They were a bit wigged out, off schedule and knew something was up. They were pretty rambunctious for awhile so today we kenneled them through Saturday. Things are much more calm at the house now.

I had to work today so my mom sat with B all day. He had a pretty good night last night, actually slept some and was feeling a bit better today until mid-afternoon. That's when the nausea and vomiting started. That just can't feel good when your abdomen is already so sore. He seems a bit better on that front now and tried to back off the pain meds a bit for the afternoon dose, but the pain came back pretty strong. Looks like this is going to take some time to recover. I don't know about B, but I don't think I was expecting it to be quite this bad. I just feel awful for him.

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I had blood drawn this morning to check estrogen and progesterone levels. While I was at the palace, I asked to speak with a nurse so that I could figure out when I needed to schedule my first ultrasound. Unfortunately, my nurse wasn't there and I spoke with one of the new nurses (two toned blondie) who seemed less qualified for her job than I am for her job (and I'm not a nurse). She tried to tell me that the first ultrasound should be 6.5 weeks after RETRIEVAL. I tried to explain to her that no, it would be 4.5 weeks after retrieval because that would be considered 6.5 weeks pregnant (you count two weeks before retrieval, which simulates ovulation in a natural cycle). She seemed confused and had to pull out that pregnancy calendar wheel thingy. There was no WAY I was going to settle for waiting until I was 8.5 weeks along!

She played with the wheel and finally agreed with me. Unfortunately, 6.5 weeks for me falls smack on Memorial Day. While they are open on Memorial Day, they have a reduced staff and only do ultrasounds for those who are cycling or being monitored. She suggested I come in the Tuesday after, but I have a training at work all day Tuesday and Wednesday that I can't miss (my absence would be noticed as it is an HR directed training with the whole department, including our VP). I asked if I could come in the Friday before and she said that would be too early. So I ended up having to schedule it for Thursday, May 29th, fighting back tears the whole time. Hormonal much?

Now, I know for a fact that some clinics do the first ultrasound at 6 weeks. The Friday before, I will be 6w1d. As soon as I got into work, I sent an email to my nurse, thinking she would get it tomorrow or next week, whenever she got back into the office. She called me about 2 hours later. She wasn't really working, but had gone in for something and saw my email and decided to call. This is why I heart my nurse. She takes care of me.

She said we can schedule it for Friday, but she warned me not to freak out because it could be too early to hear the heartbeats. Yes, she used plural (ack!). She said we should be able to see the sacs and fetal poles, but maybe not the heartbeats and if not, they would have me come back in a week after to check heartbeats. I am totally fine with this. Just let me see something! She then said she would find out which ultrasound tech was working on Memorial Day, explain the situation, and ask if she was willing to fit me in. She said she couldn't make any promises, but she would check and let me know tomorrow. This would actually be ideal because then B and I wouldn't have to miss any work and we would know that a heartbeat should be audible at that point. So that's the plan.

My hormone levels came back great today (E2 = 3,994 and P4=181.4), so I get to start reducing my meds on Saturday. Because I started 2 new estrogen patches today, I have to wait until Saturday (you change them every other day). So starting Saturday, I go from 2 patches to 1 and from 3 suppositories a day down to 2. Yay!

Fun With Numbers

Betab*ase is finally back up! This is a website where women enter their betas for singleton or multiple pregnancies (where a heartbeat was detected) and it gives you the high, low and median. The betas at 14dpo (which would be equivalent to my 9dp5dt on last Thursday) for a singleton pregnancy range from 3-2,088 with the median at 101. At 16dpo (equivalent to last Saturday for me), the range goes from 5-2,744 with the median at 198. For twins, the betas at 14dpo range from 17-945 with the median at 203. The 16dpo range for twins is 33-2,194 with the median at 396. For triplets and higher, the betas at 14dpo range from 23-1,157 with the median at 265. The 16dpo range for triplets and higher is 16-2,883 with the median at 541.

As you can tell, my betas are squarely within both ranges and higher than the medians for all of them. Huh. Because beta numbers vary so much from person to person, they really don't tell us much other than there's at least one baby in there. Can't wait for that ultrasound...

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PJ over at Infertility on the Brain has tagged me for a meme, so here goes:

4 things I did ten years ago. (1998)

1. Graduated from college. Uggh, has it already been 10 years? I'm SO old.
2. Traveled to London and Paris with my mom. First time I was ever out of the country. I remember it like yesterday.
3. Got my first dog who I unfortunately named Karma (we took her to get spayed about a week after we brought her home from the shelter and they found all sorts of horrible tumors and immediately put her down). Also got my second dog, Pippen, who was my pal for the next 6.5 years. She was the epitome of a lapdog and was just the best dog EVER.
4. Met B at work. Although the scandal of dating someone at the office didn't occur until years later.

4 things I did 5 years ago (2003)

1. Was maid of honor at my best friend T's wedding.
2. Lost my memory, because I honestly can't remember anything else specific from 2003. Must have been one hell of an exciting year.

4 things I did yesterday (actually this was Saturday as I wrote this part on Sunday)

1. Got my 2nd positive beta!
2. Went out to breakfast with B. Ate half of it before becoming nauseous.
3. Lounged around watching tv.
4. My parents came over for dinner and to celebrate and we made individual bob.oli pizzas. Yummy.

4 shows I love to watch:

How am I supposed to pick just 4? Seriously, I watch a lot of tv. Maybe I'll cheat a little and add more. It'll make up for my lack of memory for the 2003 category.

1. Reality tv. Yes, I know this is a whole category, but I just love junk food for the brain after a long day at work of THINKING. In no particular order, my favs are Bi.g Br.other, Sur.vivor, Ama.zing Ra.ce, Big.gest Lo.ser, Amer.ican I.dol (except I think this season sucks), and La.st Com.ic St.anding. I also love watching Amer.icas Nex.t T.op Mod.el, but for some reason I prefer watching the MT.V marathons of reruns instead of watching it while it is in first runs.
2. Grey's Anatomy. Eye candy, good dialogue, medical drama. What more can you ask for?
3. The Office. I wish I could say I watched the British version, but I've only seen the American version and it is hilarious. Plus, if I didn't watch it, what would I talk to my coworkers about on Friday mornings?
4. Gilmore Girls. I know, I know. It is stupid and somewhat of a guilty pleasure for me. This is one I actually record reruns (since it is no longer on) to the dvr in the basement and watch while I'm on the elliptical. Of course, I haven't been down there since I started stimming for this last cycle. That elliptical must be awfully dusty right now.

4 things I love to do (besides watch tv):

1. Sleep. Guess I should do as much of that in the next 8 months as I can! I LOVE to sleep. I HATE being woken up when I'm not expecting it and I will wake up as a raging bitch. Beware.
2. Ski. I haven't done much of it in recent years, but the one ski day I had earlier this year reconnected me to the sport. I have lots of fond childhood memories on the mountain and I hope to give my kids the same.
3. Listen to music. Preferably while singing at the top of my lungs (alone in the car where no innocent bystanders will be harmed).
4. Eat. Especially at new restaurants or in new cities.

I know I'm supposed to tag specific people, but I'm going to be lazy. If you're reading this and you haven't already done this meme, consider yourself tagged.

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I'll leave you with a couple of pictures. Last Tuesday after my first positive pee stick, B came home with flowers for me. Aren't they gorgeous? And they're still going strong. On Friday, after my first positive beta on Thursday, our friend Rhonda sent us this fruit arrangement. It was just as delicious as it looked!

The Best Day Ever or the Worst Day Ever?

Two years ago, we were fairly early into our quest to become parents. I had been off the pill for a couple of months and we had just returned from a great vacation in Italy. This was back when we were still trying the old fashioned way (you mean, people actually get pregnant by having sex?). The vacation just happened to be timed perfectly over peak fertility that month and I was CERTAIN I was pregnant by the time we came home. I mean, a relaxing vacation with my man and KNOWING I was ovulating over that same time--that's how people get pregnant, right? By relaxing and going on vacation?

About a week or so after we got home, Mother's Day arrived and I got my period. That morning. On Mother's Day. We went to the museum and out to lunch that day with my parents and my grandma. I bitterly told my mom how ironic it was that I got my period on Mother's Day and I think she was probably surprised at how upset I was. We hadn't been trying that long, after all. Just a couple of months into the journey and I was already noticing just how many children and pregnant women there are in the world. They were swarming at that museum exhibit.

Fast forward two years and now I'm pregnant (oh, if only those two years had gone by as quickly as that sentence makes it seem). But this day is still difficult. I am still super aware of bumps and little kids everywhere-at the restaurant and on tv. And the advertising for Mother's Day just seems over the top. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm pregnant. I'm a mom. Even though they aren't in the outside world yet, I am caring for those little embryos inside me as we speak (as I type). I even had a little bit of lunch meat today and then realized "oops! I'm not supposed to eat that right now!" I keep thinking that at any moment I'm going to wake up in my bed and realize this was all just a dream. The pee sticks were negative, the beta was negative. I keep waiting to wake up, but so far it hasn't happened. I think this is going to take some getting used to.

Because I'm still obsessed with betas, I found a little program that made this chart:

















Isn't it pretty? Too bad I couldn't find something similar for twin pregnancies so I could visualize where I might fall on that chart.

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I haven't always been the best daughter. When I was little, I must have driven my mom crazy by hanging onto her leg shyly whenever there were other people were around. She literally had to drag me with her when she walked. She got used to this that at some point when stepping on the scale at the doctor's office, she couldn't believe how much weight she gained. Until she realized I was still hanging onto her leg. There was the time I decided to decorate the fancy bathroom wallpaper and my hair with a jar of vaseline (what, isn't shiny hair pretty? You didn't want to wash my hair 50 times to get it out?). There was that horrible Mother's Day trip to Alabama for a gymnastics meet where I was the most rotten kid in the world. The times I snuck out of the house. The times I disappointed her with things I knew I shouldn't have done. I could go on and on with this list.

And through it all, my mom loved and supported me, taught me lessons and helped me grow into someone who is ready to be a mom herself. She has put almost as much time, energy, shopping, thoughts, hope and emotion into our IF treatments as we have. She deserves for me to be pregnant just as much as I do. And I'm not sure I could have made it to this point without her.

Thanks Mom. Happy Mother's Day. I love you!

Beta #2

Second beta came in at 941. Phew!!! First beta was 445, so this is an increase of 111% and a doubling time of 1.85 days.

Our nurse told us they like to see it rise by 66% in 48 hours, but every thing I read talks about it doubling (100% increase) in 48 hours. Either way, we made the grade! There are some sites out there that talk about it doubling in 48-72 hours (which if it doubled in 72 hours, that would be equivalent to a 66% increase in 48 hours, right?). I need my 10-key (no, accountants don't do math in their heads-at least not this one).

Does anyone know if be*tabase is down for good? I haven't been able to get on since Thursday and it is driving me crazy.

Anyway, this is very good news. It means that so far things are progressing as they should. I go back in for another blood draw on Thursday, but they will only check estrogen and progesterone levels to see if my meds need to be adjusted. I'm really, really hoping my body kicks into gear and starts pumping out tons of progesterone on its own because these suppositories are driving me crazy. It is too soon to tell if the switch over the en.dometrin is helping (I just started it last night), but (HUGE TMI warning) my crotch feels like its on fire it is so irritated. Ick.

I think I will go in for my first ultrasound about a week after the next blood draw, but no one has given me an exact date. When I asked the nurse this afternoon if I could schedule it now, she said just to wait until I go in on Thursday. I think it is because they are working with a skeleton crew this weekend. The palace was completely deserted this morning.

So now we exhale just a little bit more and wait until ultrasound. Can't I just take a really long nap and wake up in a couple of weeks?

Lend Me Your Creativity

I need a name to start calling the embryos as I can't keep calling them that and I am feeling very uncreative at the moment. One name that is plural would work best since we don't know how many there are right now. Please, provide as many suggestions as you can think of.

I also added a new poll to the top right sidebar, so go vote on how many you think I have in there. I've also added one of those baby widgets that show how many days until my due date (sorry, Nancy, I know you think they're creepy). I know it is early, but I want to take advantage of all that is out there because for the first time, I can.

One of the best things about coming clean with my post yesterday was all of the comments I received. Each one made me smile, or tear up, and I just feel so loved by people I know and so many people I've never met. Even people who delurked and left a comment for the first time. It's an amazing feeling. I feel surrounded by joy for the first time in so, so long.

I'm particularly grateful for my blogging buddies who are still waiting, struggling through their current cycles, or dealing with recent disappointments. I know how hard it is to watch others around you get pregnant when you are still in the thick of it. And I know how hard it is to keep reading as they go through their pregnancy. This is all very new to me and all of the sudden I find myself on the other side of that line drawn in the sand. Except that I don't feel any different. I still feel like the same old infertile me. I most certainly intend to keep supporting you ladies as much as I can and I hope you won't abandon this blog. But if it is too hard, I will certainly understand. I just wanted to mention this because it has been on my mind and (as I'm sure you would expect) I'm sure I'll be spewing lots of pregnancy-related posts in the coming months.

Okay, with that out of the way, I am still trying to digest the news and it doesn't quite feel real yet. I'm guessing it won't fully sink in until that first ultrasound in a couple of weeks. It can't come soon enough. The other thing that can't come soon enough is B's hernia surgery. It is scheduled for Wednesday and I can tell he is getting more uncomfortable by the day. I think we will both be able to relax a little more once that is out of the way.

I have been noticing a few pregnancy symptoms. Let me first make a disclaimer that these are NOT complaints. I welcome any signs that the __________(s) are still growing inside me.

First to make an appearance was the nausea. It started Tuesday night with a particularly bad bout. Wednesday was a little bit better, but still rough. I had to force myself to eat. Yesterday was even a bit better and today I feel pretty darn good and my appetite seems to be returning. There is still an undercurrent there that I only notice if my mind isn't occupied by other things. The one thing I'm finding alarming is that chicken has thus far been completely unappetizing to me. I usually eat a LOT of chicken, so I hope this one goes away.

Second, my boobs are sore. I know this could be from the progesterone, but they also seem to be slightly larger today (yippee!) and they weren't sore at all last time I was on pro.metrium. As a side note, I am switching over to end.ometrin tonight to see if it is less irritating. I honestly can't remember how much the pro.metrium was, but the end.ometrin is pretty pricy ($120 for a week's supply). I'm hopeful that they will start weaning me off of the supplements in the next week or so, but I could be on them through the whole first trimester.

Third, my abdomen is sore. When I stretch in bed, it feels tight and almost like I did some new type of ab workout that works muscles I didn't know I had. I'm also getting little sharp jabs and pinches every once in awhile. I've been told this is probably round ligament pain as the ligaments that support the uterus stretch to accommodate the growing uterus. It is amazing to think that I would notice such a thing so early when the __________(s) are still so tiny.

The one notable early pregnancy symptom that I'm lacking is fatigue. I keep wondering why I'm not falling asleep standing up (well, I'm not actually standing up much these days) or watching tv. I guess I should enjoy the energy I have while I still have it.

It's Officially Official (P Word Mentioned)

I'm PREGNANT!!!!!

And in shock. Someone pinch me.

First beta HCG today at 14dpo was a whopping 445! They like it to be over 50. Progesterone should be over 20 and mine is at 60. These little embryos (I need to think of something else to call them-suggestions are welcome) are definitely over-achievers right now! I hope this gives the other U.O.D. (uterus of doom) ladies with thin linings some hope as my lining never got above 7 this cycle. Don't ever let an RE tell you 7 is too thin if it looks consistent and has a triple pattern!

It is still very early (I am considered 4 weeks pregnant today). Anything can still happen, so we are celebrating quietly and humbly.

We were originally going to wait until the 2nd blood test to tell people, but we just couldn't wait. I feel like shouting out from a rooftop "I'M PREGNANT, WORLD!" You see, I've been hiding something from you, dear readers. Tuesday morning, I gave in to impulse and, well, for the FIRST TIME EVER ladies and gentlemen, 2 gorgeous pink lines! See...
















And then I started spotting again Tuesday night. So I HAD to POAS again on Wednesday morning. See...

















And of course, I was still spotting and the line didn't get darker and I was sure it was ever so slightly lighter than Tuesday and that is when I officially started obsessing thinking just my luck, I'm going to miscarry my very first pregnancy ever really early. So this morning...

















The line is DEFINITELY darker. Here is a picture of all three sticks together.
















Enough pictures of pee sticks for you?

So, the next step is a second blood test on Saturday. We have a target HCG number of 739 (66% increase from today's number). Although, if the number doesn't quite rise that much, we shouldn't be TOO concerned as it is possible that there are currently two growing inside me and one may not make it to Saturday. We'll take one. Or two. Either way. I just can't believe I'm finally pregnant. Have I mentioned that yet? I'm pregnant. I don't think it has quite sunk in yet.

In going through this journey, there have been many losses to mourn. The loss of our ability to conceive on our own, the loss of expectations, the loss of an expected timeline, loss of control. The list goes on and on. One of the losses that was most difficult to swallow was being able to surprise our families and friends with news of a pregnancy. To be able to impart the news and get shocked, happy faces/voices in return. To find some creative way to tell our families. To be the source of happy tears and celebrations instead of worry, depression and pain.

Turns out, we didn't really have to mourn this particular loss at all. Telling our friends and families today has been the most rewarding, fun experience. In some ways, I think it is even better than it would have been had we conceived naturally right away because everyone is just so darn excited! And this excitement is so contagious. We are trying to keep it under control because, again, it is very early. No person in their right mind would ever tell their family and friends about a pregnancy that was only 4 weeks along. But our family and friends have been following every step for months or years.

We are taking a bit of a risk here in sharing this amazing news right now, but it is something we knew we'd have to do once we gave people my blog address. Frankly, it is a risk I am so happy we took because no matter what happens, at least we get to spread some great joy for now. I wouldn't want to miss that for the world.

Crikey

I sure am getting my money's worth out of the nurses this cycle. I spoke with a nurse for about 30 minutes today. The bleeding could be a number of things:

1. Implantation bleeding-yes, it is possible for implantation to occur this late, or for the embryo(s) to just be burrowing in further. The process apparently takes weeks. Who knew? Plus, the nurse said that because we get hormones in spurts from the estrogen and progesterone support (rather than the constant supply that would occur in a natural pregnancy), it tends to make the uterine lining a bit less stable than it normally would be.
2. Impending period trying to break through even with the progesterone support
3. Irritation of the vaginal wall from the prom.etrium. If pregnancy is confirmed, they suggested switching me to endo.metrin which may not be as irritating.
4. Small, or beginning of, a subchorionic bleed (separation of lining from uterine wall). This can be diagnosed through ultrasound, but they don't see the point of doing this until a pregnancy is confirmed and the recommendation is always bed rest on hope it heals on its own. It can't be fixed.

The nurse said that if I was really worried, they could have me come in for blood test today, but it is still a bit early so she recommends we wait until scheduled blood test. I didn't push it.

Because of the possibility of number 4, I've been ordered back to bed rest through the weekend. Not as strict as post transfer, but lay down as much as possible and no vacuuming, laundry, etc. So I packed up some work to take with me and now I'm hanging out at home trying to get some work done and hoping with all my might that number 1 is true.

On the plus side, the spotting appears to have subsided. At least for now.

Curses

I should never have said anything. The bleeding started again last night and now its back to where it was on Saturday. WTF? I'll be calling the clinic today.

Spot Check 2008

Still no sign the of the evil spotting. Yay! And in even better news, Spicy Sister got some amazing news today! This is definitely the start of something good.

Long Week

Just a quick note as I won't be home until late tonight because of a work dinner. Just wanted to let everyone know that I've had NO spotting/bleeding today. None. And simply by typing that, I fully expect it to start again. But seriously, it seems to be done and I'm relieved. I'm still afraid to hope that it was implantation bleeding, but at least I don't have to deal with the evidence anymore if it wasn't. This is going to be a L.O.N.G. week.

48 Hours

It has now been 48 hours and I'm still bleeding. A bit lighter than yesterday, but still persistent. I'm so annoyed. I've been robbed of the anticipation of this 2ww and I can feel my hope for this cycle slowly draining away with the blood.

Still in the Darkness

This morning, the bleeding is a touch heavier and bright red. And I'm still crampy.

I called the clinic. Again. Yes, I'm the pathetic panicking patient who knows full well it could be implantation bleeding, but is still convinced she's having a period. Oh well, figure I should get my money's worth, right?

The nurse said it could be one of two things. It could be implantation. Or it could be my stupid body trying to have a period. She did try to reassure me by saying that plenty of patients call right around this time with the same complaints and 75% of the time there is a positive outcome. She said bright red can still be implantation bleeding. As long as it isn't full flow. She did admit, however, that it is possible to have a period while on progesterone. It isn't common, but it isn't unheard of either.

I was told to make sure I'm hydrated as being dehydrated can cause cramping. That is definitely not my problem with all the vitamin water and water I've been drinking. I just want this to go away. Now. It's kind of funny actually. In all my past cycles I've hoped for some type of early sign of a positive. I always thought implantation bleeding would be the best because all other symptoms can be blamed on the progesterone. Now, I'm just freaked out.

Darkness

Why is it that things always seem worse at night? In the dark. Darkness has a way of making the most uneventful thing seem meaningful. As kids we are afraid of the dark because we can't see what might be lurking there. In the closet. Under the bed. Maybe this irrational fear lingers in our adult selves in a different way. Bad things always seem to happen at night. Problems seem worse at night. Sickness feels worse. Doubts feel heavier.

Late this afternoon I noticed some spotting. Red. Just a little bit. Accompanied by lower back ache eerily similar to AF cramping. I spoke with the nurse, knowing that it was probably not a big concern and could even be a (good sign-shhhh). The nurse confirmed my initial reaction and said that red, pink, brown, it was okay and nothing to worry about at this point unless it got to the point where I felt like I needed a pad. I wasn't even going to post about it because, honestly, I didn't want to jinx anything in case it was a sign of implantation. There. I've let the cat out of the bag.

But as I've sat on the couch all evening, feeling the cramping still lingering and religiously checking the toilet paper every time I pee (and I pee a lot from drinking so much these days), I'm feeling the panic start to rise. The red turned to pink, but there is definitely more of it. Not enough to require a full pad, but definitely enough to warrant a panty liner. How much is too much to be considered implantation bleeding?

I'm not asking this to get superficial reassurances, I really want to know. What else could it be? Would it even be possible to be starting a period this soon after transfer (3dp5dt) while on 3 prom.etrium per day? I know I'm just freaking out because the darkness has settled in for the night. But it is truly disconcerting. I just want it to go away. Make the scary monster go away.

Waiting. Or Something Else

My mom and I were watching Mr. Mag.orium's Wonder Em.porium today, my last day of bed rest. It is a light-hearted movie full of fun dialogue and...magic. This one exchange between the store owner (played by Dustin Hoffman) and the store manager (Natalie Portman) jumped out at me.

Molly: “37 seconds…great, well done, now we wait.”
Mr. Magorium: “No, we breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat, our minds create, our souls ingest. 37 seconds well-used is a lifetime.”

So, I've decided. Instead of waiting. For my 2ww, I'm going to breathe, pulse and regenerate. My heart will beat, my mind create and my soul ingest. What does this really mean? I have no idea. But sounds much better than waiting, no?