6 Days to Beta-Torn

If you haven't noticed, the POAS poll is neck and neck (and at the moment is tied) between the yes's and no's. Funny thing is, it reflects exactly how I feel. I desperately want to POAS and see those two lines, no matter how faint the second line might be. Even if it is too early or if it really is negative, I still want to POAS just so I would KNOW (even though I know it wouldn't necessarily be accurate).

And I equally desperately want to wait until beta on Sunday. I don't want to see the stark whiteness of the strip (for the thousandth time). I don't want to lose any hope. I want to hang onto this feeling of "maybe I'm pregnant!" forever because this is the closest we've ever come (as far as I know). I'm hating the PIO shots and what gets me through them is believing it isn't all for nothing. If I were to POAS and see a negative, it could crush that belief.

So you see, I am torn. For those of you who voted, please comment and let me know your vote and why you chose to vote that way. I need to see all viewpoints of this. Even if it is just gives me something to think about for the next 6 days!

7 Days To Beta-The Lone Embryo

We have not yet received a call from the lab to let us know whether the 3rd embryo made it back to freeze. I'm expecting a call today and I will call them if I haven't heard from them by tomorrow. I know we have 14 others still on ice, so I won't be devastated if this one embryo doesn't make it to freeze. However, I feel like it might give me some clue as to what is (or isn't) happening inside my uterus right now.

Here's my thinking. If this lone embryo developed into a blast and was growing enough to make it to freeze, that means the two they transferred should be doing the same inside me. Assuming my lining was sufficient (eh, not sure about that one), they should be burrowing in nicely by now. I know that each embryo is different, but these were from the same fresh cycle, went through the same freeze process at the same time, and went through the same thaw process at the same time as the lone embryo. Might be flawed logic on my part, but that's what I'm thinking.

If however, the embryo didn't make it to blast, I will stick with the theory that they transferred the best 2 out of the 3 and that what happened with the lone embryo has no bearing on what the other 2 are doing inside me. See, nothing but positivity oozing out of my pores today. Or maybe that's the oil from the PIO shots.

I initially thought it was a good sign that the lab hasn't called yet because if the lone embryo had already arrested (stopped growing), they would have called to let me know it didn't make it to freeze. However, I think it is more likely that they would wait to even check on it until the day they would refreeze it (today?). So if it had arrested, they wouldn't even know until they went to freeze it.

This is driving me crazy.

Ingredients

Because of Mel's comment on my last post, I found myself running to the pantry to double check the ingredients of a Peanut Butter Cookie Lu.na bar. (I tried to just link this to my previous post, but can't get the "insert link" function to work at the moment).

Here they are:

Lun.aPro (which is trademarked and consists of: Soy rice crisp [Soy protein isolate, organic rice flour], organic toasted oats, organic roasted soybeans, organic soy flour, organic flaxmeal), organic brown rice syrup, organic coating (organic evaporated cane juice, organic palm kernel oil, organic soy flour, organic soy lecithin, organic vanilla), organic peanut butter, inulin (chicory extract), vegetable glycerin, natural flavors, organic roasted peanuts, peanut flour, sea salt.

Nothing even remotely resembling chocolate. I had no idea these things were so filled with organic ingredients. After reading this list, I can't believe I like these things!

8 Days To Beta-The Luna Bar Conversation

This last week was a bit of a blur. The progesterone has made me quite tired, so I've been prone to napping off and on. On Tuesday afternoon and all day Wednesday, B was downstairs with the dogs and I was upstairs in bed. Our main communication was by cell phone. My mom was upstairs with me for most of the time and would go home in the evenings. B even slept downstairs with the dogs to give me space to rest. At one point during this two day period, I asked B to get me some peanut butter cookie luna bars because they are the only ones I like that don't have chocolate. My mom advised we should make sure we check the ingredients to be sure.

On Wednesday after my mom went home, B and I were on the phone and he mentioned that he got the luna bars. He said that my mom was downstairs with him when he got back from the store and asked him if he had checked the ingredients. He said, yes he had, and there was no chocolate. For some reason, my mom wanted to check for herself and asked if she could see the box. B obviously thought this was strange, but obliged anyway and let her look at the ingredients to put her mind at ease. As B was telling me this story, we were laughing at how much of a "mom" my mom can be.

On Thursday morning, I headed over to my parents house because our cleaning service was coming to our house that day (after a month of no visits due to the dogs kennel cough incident). I settled myself onto their couch and opened up a luna bar to eat for breakfast with my banana. My mom walked by and innocently said "did you check the ingredients?" I looked at her incredulously and said "are you seriously asking me that question?!" She was confused by my reaction and so I asked her about the conversation she had with B the night before about checking the ingredients ("didn't you and B just talk about this last night and after he checked the ingredients and told you it was fine, you STILL felt the need to check for yourself?"). She looked at me like I was crazy and said she had absolutely no recollection of that conversation. I couldn't believe my ears. I explained to her that B wouldn't LIE about something like this, so the conversation MUST have occurred and why didn't she remember it? My dad witnessed this strange interaction and I think all three of us thought my mom was losing her mind.

Thursday night when B got home from work I started to tell him the story "my mom doesn't remember the luna bar conversation you had with her and you wouldn't believe that she asked me about the ingredients of the luna bars AGAIN!" He looked at me like I was nuts.

Let me back up for a minute here. Back when I first met B, I sometimes had trouble telling when he was joking about something. He could pretty much convince me that the sky was green and the grass was blue without cracking a smile. I would fall for it, like the gullible person I can sometimes be. As I got to know him better and was able to see through this a bit, he had more trouble keeping a straight face when trying to convince me of something.

After looking at me like I was nuts, he started to laugh a bit and I thought "he's joking! I'm not going crazy. The conversation did happen, my mom doesn't remember it, but B does and he's trying to make me feel crazy! He's messing with my head!" I spent the next 10 minutes trying to get him to fess up before he finally convinced me that the conversation between him and my mom about the luna bar ingredients NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED. It was all in my head. It must have been a dream.

You know how sometimes you remember some incident or conversation that seems real, but you think maybe it was a dream? Well this time, I had absolutely NO CLUE that I had dreamed this conversation with B (about his alleged conversation with my mom). I was convinced it had happened. It wasn't even a question.

This one really threw me for a loop.

9 Days To Beta

Three days into the 2ww (which is actually 12 days for us instead of 14) and all I can focus on is shifting from side to side to ease off my tender tush every once in awhile. For some reason, each PIO shot has gotten progressively worse. We've been warming the oil, warming the syringe while the oil is in it, heating my tush before and after and the tissue still seems to be hardening more each day. I'm not getting actual lumps, which makes me think the oil is dissipating, but for some reason I can feel the oil being injected more acutely each day. I try really hard not to make any noises while B is injecting because I don't want to make him feel bad, but sometimes it is hard. This morning he pulled the needle out slightly crooked and I let out a not so quiet little "ooof!" He said "sorry, we got a bleeder." Yeah, I felt that one coming.

Someone tell me that this gets easier over time and to stop being a baby. Or something.

I saw Ju.no with my mom yesterday. She tried to talk me out of it given the topic, but since I was prepared for the pregnancy-related theme, I was fine with it. I didn't want to miss out on the one movie lately that looked really good. And it was really good. Funny, quirky, touching with really good casting. It may have been a different experience for me if our cycle had been cancelled, if I had just gotten a BFN or if I was just in a different place. But I'm in a place of hope right now and so I could empathize with the character on the screen without connecting it to my situation at all. I'm such a grown up.

Since we were at the theater at 2pm on a Thursday, the other patrons were mostly old ladies. Sorry, senior citizens. As we were leaving the theater the common theme I heard from these women was "boy, things sure are different these days," and "I guess anything is acceptable nowadays," and "that wasn't acceptable in our day." I don't necessarily think the situation portrayed in the movie is commonplace (the parents' reaction to their teen's pregnancy and how they quickly accept the situation, the "easy" adoption, etc.). However, I think it's great we are living in a time where the topic in general is acceptable to portray in a movie in a humorous, but touching manner. I would be very curious to hear/read the reaction of our fellow adoption bloggers.