BFN and Hope, You Bitch

Unfortunately this is NOT a picture of what I wish I COULD have. Because, well, it is what I DID have with dinner and what I'm HAVING a second glass of right now. The doc snuck in an HCG test with my blood work today and it was a BFN. My E2 and P4 had tanked to 123 and 4. Apparently because implantation did not occur, my ovaries (the corpus luteum) knew to stop producing estrogen and progesterone on their own. AF has been held at bay simply because of hormone supplements I've been on. So the patches have been removed, I won't take any more pro.metrium and she should arrive in the next couple of days. The doc was hoping that if there was a small amount of HCG in my system (indicating implantation), and my E2 and P4 were low, we could add additional supplement and try to salvage the pregnancy.

To be honest, loyal readers, I've been hiding something from you. I started testing at home on Sunday. I wanted to make sure the trigger shot was fully out of my system so that I could test the morning before beta (Friday) and be comfortable with the result. But once I started, I couldn't stop. I tested Sunday morning, Monday morning and this morning. For some reason, after the stark whiteness of the stick this morning, I was convinced this cycle hadn't worked. I dragged myself to the clinic for blood draw this morning thinking "what's the point?" I got to work and had a mini break down. I cried for a bit, pulled myself together and went on with my day (with the help of some encouraging words from Melanie). And then I got the call.

The nurse called to give me the results and to give me Dr. S's cell phone number. Yes, his cell phone number. To call him. Tonight. While he's on spring break vacation with his kids. Did I mention he's on vacation? With his kids?

So we talked for a bit tonight and I actually feel a whole lot better now than I did this morning. Even though this morning, that bitch hope was still hanging on for dear life in the background. Even though she has now been banished to the closet until next time (although I can see the bright beams of sunshine pulsing behind the closet door). Because what I got out of the conversation with Dr. S is that next time, we will get things right. We will NOT hyper stimulate, we will have a great lining, and we will make it to transfer with a positive outcome.

I only hope he hasn't given me unreasonable expectations.

My lining with my last fresh cycle looked good (as good as it finally looked with this past FET). But because it only got to 8, which really is the minimum thickness they like to see (8-12), the lining is still in the running for being the culprit here. The other culprit is simply the freezing and thawing process. While FET's can work, Dr. S said frozen/thawed embryos are never as good as fresh. He does feel that we have proven that we make good quality embryos since we were able to thaw some that then grew to blast. So whether the problem this time was my lining, or using frozen/thawed embryos, or a combination of both, Dr. S feels a fresh cycle will do the trick for us if we pull back on the stim meds and start slower.

Dr. S said he feels very frustrated for us, that we've done everything right and he would not be encouraging us to move forward with another fresh cycle if he didn't truly believe it would work. He wants us to get pregnant and he is convinced we can and we will. He is determined to make this work for us.

And even though all of our testing expired back in March, he won't make us redo any of the testing because he is now convinced that we make good embryos and I respond well (too well) to the medications. So that is good news. The only exception might be the communicable disease testing. I think this must be required in order to freeze embryos.

So, the good news is:
1. We make good embryos
2. We think my lining can do what it's supposed to
3. We don't have to redo all of the tests
4. We can start a fresh cycle off of this period if we want to
5. I can drink wine again for a little while, stop taking the patches and supps, and get back on my elliptical
6. We have an excellent doctor who is very invested in getting us pregnant
7. I was told that I will speak with my assigned nurse (Jennifer) every visit (except Mondays when she is off) this time to avoid conflicting information (which happened constantly). This makes me feel good. I love Jen.
8. I now have time to digest this recent loss before our company arrives (more below).

The bad news is:
1. I'm not pregnant.

Yet. Damn, Sage would be so proud. Look at me looking at the positives, along with the negatives.

Tomorrow is Friday for us. My brother, SIL and 4-month old niece come into town to stay with us until Sunday. We will be going to the NCAA tournament Thursday and Saturday. On Friday, my parents and my grandma will come over to the house to hang out. My beta was supposed to be Friday. I had all kinds of nightmarish visions of getting a BFN with my family at my house. While this could have been a good scenario (celebration or support if needed), I was just anxious about dealing with that kind of news around people. Last time I wanted to be around no one other than B. No one. Even though they are my family. I was worried about wanting to lock myself in our bedroom alone for hours on Friday.

On Saturday, we are going to visit G&K to meet their infant twins (although technically, B and I did meet them briefly when they were in the NICU). I was also worried that with a fresh, raw, open wound of a new BFN, I would be in tears the whole day Saturday and would maybe not be up to this visit. I still don't know how I will feel by then. But at least there is a chance now that I will be okay with the visit and even enjoy it. Tonight I feel strong. I feel good and hopeful. But I am fresh off a great conversation with my RE and two glasses of really good wine.

So I need to apologize in advance to my family and G&K. I'm sorry if I break down at random times over the next few days. I'm sorry if I'm not a ball of sunshine to be around. I will try, really. But I can't make any promises. Please know that if a break down does occur, it has nothing to do with you or your babies. It is just my sadness bubbling back up to the surface. Because it is still there. Raw and searing as ever. It is just balanced by hope at the moment. And I hope I can maintain that balance.