BFN and Hope, You Bitch

Unfortunately this is NOT a picture of what I wish I COULD have. Because, well, it is what I DID have with dinner and what I'm HAVING a second glass of right now. The doc snuck in an HCG test with my blood work today and it was a BFN. My E2 and P4 had tanked to 123 and 4. Apparently because implantation did not occur, my ovaries (the corpus luteum) knew to stop producing estrogen and progesterone on their own. AF has been held at bay simply because of hormone supplements I've been on. So the patches have been removed, I won't take any more pro.metrium and she should arrive in the next couple of days. The doc was hoping that if there was a small amount of HCG in my system (indicating implantation), and my E2 and P4 were low, we could add additional supplement and try to salvage the pregnancy.

To be honest, loyal readers, I've been hiding something from you. I started testing at home on Sunday. I wanted to make sure the trigger shot was fully out of my system so that I could test the morning before beta (Friday) and be comfortable with the result. But once I started, I couldn't stop. I tested Sunday morning, Monday morning and this morning. For some reason, after the stark whiteness of the stick this morning, I was convinced this cycle hadn't worked. I dragged myself to the clinic for blood draw this morning thinking "what's the point?" I got to work and had a mini break down. I cried for a bit, pulled myself together and went on with my day (with the help of some encouraging words from Melanie). And then I got the call.

The nurse called to give me the results and to give me Dr. S's cell phone number. Yes, his cell phone number. To call him. Tonight. While he's on spring break vacation with his kids. Did I mention he's on vacation? With his kids?

So we talked for a bit tonight and I actually feel a whole lot better now than I did this morning. Even though this morning, that bitch hope was still hanging on for dear life in the background. Even though she has now been banished to the closet until next time (although I can see the bright beams of sunshine pulsing behind the closet door). Because what I got out of the conversation with Dr. S is that next time, we will get things right. We will NOT hyper stimulate, we will have a great lining, and we will make it to transfer with a positive outcome.

I only hope he hasn't given me unreasonable expectations.

My lining with my last fresh cycle looked good (as good as it finally looked with this past FET). But because it only got to 8, which really is the minimum thickness they like to see (8-12), the lining is still in the running for being the culprit here. The other culprit is simply the freezing and thawing process. While FET's can work, Dr. S said frozen/thawed embryos are never as good as fresh. He does feel that we have proven that we make good quality embryos since we were able to thaw some that then grew to blast. So whether the problem this time was my lining, or using frozen/thawed embryos, or a combination of both, Dr. S feels a fresh cycle will do the trick for us if we pull back on the stim meds and start slower.

Dr. S said he feels very frustrated for us, that we've done everything right and he would not be encouraging us to move forward with another fresh cycle if he didn't truly believe it would work. He wants us to get pregnant and he is convinced we can and we will. He is determined to make this work for us.

And even though all of our testing expired back in March, he won't make us redo any of the testing because he is now convinced that we make good embryos and I respond well (too well) to the medications. So that is good news. The only exception might be the communicable disease testing. I think this must be required in order to freeze embryos.

So, the good news is:
1. We make good embryos
2. We think my lining can do what it's supposed to
3. We don't have to redo all of the tests
4. We can start a fresh cycle off of this period if we want to
5. I can drink wine again for a little while, stop taking the patches and supps, and get back on my elliptical
6. We have an excellent doctor who is very invested in getting us pregnant
7. I was told that I will speak with my assigned nurse (Jennifer) every visit (except Mondays when she is off) this time to avoid conflicting information (which happened constantly). This makes me feel good. I love Jen.
8. I now have time to digest this recent loss before our company arrives (more below).

The bad news is:
1. I'm not pregnant.

Yet. Damn, Sage would be so proud. Look at me looking at the positives, along with the negatives.

Tomorrow is Friday for us. My brother, SIL and 4-month old niece come into town to stay with us until Sunday. We will be going to the NCAA tournament Thursday and Saturday. On Friday, my parents and my grandma will come over to the house to hang out. My beta was supposed to be Friday. I had all kinds of nightmarish visions of getting a BFN with my family at my house. While this could have been a good scenario (celebration or support if needed), I was just anxious about dealing with that kind of news around people. Last time I wanted to be around no one other than B. No one. Even though they are my family. I was worried about wanting to lock myself in our bedroom alone for hours on Friday.

On Saturday, we are going to visit G&K to meet their infant twins (although technically, B and I did meet them briefly when they were in the NICU). I was also worried that with a fresh, raw, open wound of a new BFN, I would be in tears the whole day Saturday and would maybe not be up to this visit. I still don't know how I will feel by then. But at least there is a chance now that I will be okay with the visit and even enjoy it. Tonight I feel strong. I feel good and hopeful. But I am fresh off a great conversation with my RE and two glasses of really good wine.

So I need to apologize in advance to my family and G&K. I'm sorry if I break down at random times over the next few days. I'm sorry if I'm not a ball of sunshine to be around. I will try, really. But I can't make any promises. Please know that if a break down does occur, it has nothing to do with you or your babies. It is just my sadness bubbling back up to the surface. Because it is still there. Raw and searing as ever. It is just balanced by hope at the moment. And I hope I can maintain that balance.

I Feel a Little Special (not in the short bus way)

Not much to report here. Just trying to get through this week with my head screwed on tight.

I got a phone call from a nurse today asking me to come in to get blood drawn tomorrow. For some reason, Dr. S wants to check my E2 and P4 levels again. He actually called the office while on vacation to ask them to call me to come in. I'm not sure exactly what he is thinking, but I feel like I'm finally getting some good specialized attention (getting our money's worth). Not that they have been slacking or anything, but sometimes it does feel like you're on a bit of a conveyor line at a bigger clinic like CCRM. Or maybe Dr. S is just frustrated that I'm not pregnant yet. Maybe I've stumped him. Regardless, I'll take the special attention.

Today's tune is by a band we saw at R.ed Ro.cks last summer. They were opening for another band and I was surprised at how many songs I already knew. They put on a really good live show and I promptly purchased a lot of their music the next week.

If you believe the weather forecasters here in Denver, we were supposed to get 10-16 inches of snow in our neck of the woods between last night and today. There was about 3 inches on grassy surfaces when I left for work this morning and the roads were just a little slushy. Here's what I came home to tonight.
































Wish my job had as much accountability as a meteorologist.

Gratitude

I've been feeling a little emotional lately (lately?), so I just wanted to take a little time to express my appreciation for all the support I've been getting both from my loyal readers in blogland and from my friends and family IRL. I really do feel lucky to have such a steady support system. All of your comments, emails, and phone calls bring me comfort and hope. It doesn't matter if you know EXACTLY what I'm going through, or if you haven't a clue in the world what to say to me. The gestures still mean a lot.

My mom basically stopped her life for us last week to help out while I was on bed rest. I know she thinks she didn't do much, but just keeping me company was exactly what I needed. My friend T took time out of her busy schedule and her brand new job to come over and just hang for a couple of hours Thursday night. And my friend R took the afternoon off of work Friday to not only bring me lunch and hang for the afternoon, but she also made us a kick ass chicken enchilada casserole that I enjoyed a little too much both Friday night and last night.

You guys rock!

Today's photo journal theme is:






This picture is of a sculpture outside of the Dal.i Universe in London. It is actually a sculpture of a headless woman, but there is something definitively masculine about it.

The Rest of Bed Rest

Today is the last day of bed rest. I will be officially free from my bed around 3pm this afternoon. I am ready for a change of scenery. Both this time and last time I thought I would have trouble sleeping at night after lying in bed all day long. But quite the opposite has happened-I sleep like the dead and have trouble waking up in the morning. It must be the progesterone.

Other than the sleepiness, the only other side effect I've had from the progesterone is facial flushing from time to time. I first noticed it Tuesday afternoon. The skin on my face got really hot and flushed. I felt like my head was a light bulb. It happened again Wednesday morning, but when they took my vitals prior to the transfer, my temperature was normal. Yesterday afternoon, the nurse called to let me know that all my blood work from Wednesday looked great. My E2 was 462 (should be higher than 300) and my P4 was 10.6 (should be higher than 6). I was pretty relieved because I was worried if my P4 was too low, they would want me to add a PIO shot to the supps. The nurse also confirmed that the facial flushing was likely a side effect of the prom.etrium.

Today's tune is one that I associate with sleep and dreams. I used to listen to this album on my walkman (yes, a walkman) in college while napping in the student union in between classes (if I was lucky enough to score one of the big leather couches).

Back to the bed rest theme and speaking of beds, I can't tell you how many doggie beds we bought for Scout over the years. She looked so incredibly cute curled up in one of those little dog beds like a little doggie donut. The problem was, the second we would leave her alone with the bed, she would shred it to pieces. Not just chew on it a little, but actually destroy it like it was the ENEMY. We finally learned our lesson and stopped buying her doggie beds. So she decided to move on to the couch cushions. We took a picture of the aftermath of one of these destruction sessions. She was just lying there calmly among the innards of the cushion as if to say "my work here is done."

Symptom Survey

My fellow IVF'rs know the drill for the 2ww. You have symptoms, imaginary or not. You listen to your body with such intensity that you start imagining twinges, pings, small cramps, anything to convince yourself there's something going on in there. You constantly check for spotting. These obsessive thoughts are constant for the first couple of days after transfer if you are on bed rest, even though you know it's probably too soon for any real symptoms. What else is there to do?

So here is my question for those who have been through this with a POSITIVE pregnancy test on the other end. Did you have any signs whatsoever-implantation bleeding/spotting, cramps, or other signs that would generally NOT be attributed to progesterone support? If so, which day did the signs occur in relation to your transfer (and please specify if you had a day 3 or day 5 transfer).

The reason I ask is not that I have any type of symptoms (imaginary or otherwise). In fact, I feel completely normal (except for the slight bruises I have from where certain needles were placed by a not-so-competent acupuncturist-see previous post). Too normal.

Today's song is one that always makes me happy.

Here are some Rocky Mountain wildflowers to go along with the happiness.

Transfer Update

I'm back at home lounging in bed comfortably. Out of the 9 embies that were still growing on Monday (Day 3), 4 had arrested this morning and 2 were still growing, but poor quality. This left 3 remaining, 2 blasts and 1 early blast/morula. Dr. S recommended transferring all 3, so that is what we did. He said that transferring 3 is standard for FET's. Funny thing-he never mentioned that at our last FET and seemed fine with transferring 2. It is a little scary, but he said the triplet rate with FET's is only about 2%. We told him if we had triplets, he would have to put the third kid through college. Harvard, preferably.

The transfer itself went somewhat smoothly, except that one embryo got stuck in the tube and they had to reinsert the catheter and try again. Dr. S said that will be the kid that gets lost in Kmart. I have to say, even with all his strangeness, I like Dr. S the more I see him. He checked in on me frequently afterwards to make sure I was doing okay and we had a pretty in depth discussion about my lining issues and what he thinks the best plan of action would be if this FET doesn't work. He also assured me that there is no sign of poor egg quality just because 11 of the 14 that were thawed didn't make it through to blast. In fact, he says this is perfectly normal odds for 2pn frozen embryos and that the fact that we had 3 make it to blast (plus 2 not-so-good blasts) shows that we can make good embryos. No need to start worrying about that or thinking about donor eggs or donor embryos or anything like that. So that's a relief.

The one annoyance today was the acupuncturist, T. It was a different woman than last time and she was not as comforting or personable. The first thing she asked for was cash. Oh, and cash or check only, no credit cards. I told her we had paid with a credit card the last time and she said "no, we don't take credit cards." I said, "okay, except we DID pay with a credit card last time." Apparently the woman we had last time, C (which was the same person I went to for the electro-acupuncture sessions) accepts credit cards, but she's the only one. I said "huh, someone probably should have mentioned that to us before." She said that it says it in the brochure they hand out. Who reads those things in that much detail? And who carries around $225 in cash these days? Maybe we should carry a checkbook around with us, but we don't. So B had to go run to an ATM to get cash. Not the best way to start off the experience.

Then as T was getting me set up for the needles, she saw my navel ring and asked "have you ever been pregnant with that ring in? I hear you have to take them out eventually." Really? Jeez, maybe I don't want to be pregnant after all-heaven forbid I have to remove my JEWELRY! What a stupid thing to say to me.

I also had a slight argument with her about listening to my ipod with my earbuds. Yes, I know the needles go into the ears, but C was able to make it work. T said she didn't understand how that was possible, unless (here comes the big revelation), you just use ONE earbud! Uh, yeah, that works. I think she was offended that I preferred to listen to my pre-made relaxation playlist over her stock yoga music. Oh well.

All in all, I'm back home safe with my 3 embies inside me hopefully making themselves nice and comfortable.

Nervous Nelly

The nerves really kicked in last night. I started worrying about how our embies are doing. This is the first opportunity we've had to see if they will grow past Day 2. I know we are lucky to have 14 to work with, but I still can't help but worry. Apparently that is just my nature (or so B tells me).

We've been here once before, heading into a transfer. In fact only 6 weeks ago. I'm taking comfort in the fact that we are trying something new, so I have hope the outcome will be different. But there is that tiny voice in my head that worries that the day will come when there is nothing new to try. It is a thought that I keep trying to push far, far away.

This cycle has been exhausting. Every cycle has been a roller coaster of hope and disappointment, but it seems like each roller coaster has higher peaks and valleys than the previous one. I've never been afraid of heights. I actually like them. So I'd rather keep the peaks and avoid the valleys. At least when the valleys are so far down that I can't feel the sun.

And because this is my 100th post, wouldn't it be great if today was the turning point?

Today's tune is one of hope.

In keeping with today's tune, here is a picture to match.

Tune & Pic-That's It

Really not much to say tonight. Just waiting for the big day tomorrow.

You might recognize today's tune from Lib.erty Mu.tual commercials.

I'll leave you with some pictures of Molly. I don't want to neglect her after posting so many pictures of Scout. The first one is a picture we just recently added to our black and white photo wall of fame (photos of our doggies-current and past). All of the photos here are in black and white because we were trying to pick which one to add to the wall. I'm too lazy to go find the color versions, but Molly is mostly black and white anyway (with some tan accents). She is about a year old and we adopted her from a shelter last June. We think she is a pointer/coonhound mix.

Freezer/Sticky Bun Update

We are officially cleared for a Day 5 transfer on Wednesday! What a relief. Today our embryos are as follows:

3-8 cell, grade 4-
3-8 cell, grade 3+
3-6 cell, grade 3+
1-7 cell, grade 3

In our clinic's grading system, grade 4 is the best. At this stage, they like to see the embryos with 6-10 cells with a grade 3+, 4-, or 4. So we have 9 embryos that are still making the grade, so to speak. The 7 cell embryo is not making the grade-it is only graded as a 3 because it is a little too fragmented.

They will not check on them again until Wednesday morning, so I hope they will quietly grow, divide, and thrive until then. We are supposed to check in at the clinic at noon on Wednesday. We will be there 3+ hours as I'm getting acupuncture before and after transfer again. Then bed rest for 48 hours.

This week, I'll add tunes from my relaxation playlist that I will listen to prior to and after transfer (during acupuncture). Today's tune makes me picture myself on the beach sipping a nice cool cocktail.

So to stick with that theme, here's another photo from our honeymoon in Maui.

10 in the Dish

I was literally on the line waiting for the answering service to pick up when the embryology lab called on my other line. I have no idea what took them so long to call and I had finally given in and was going to try to get someone on the phone. I know it has been around forever now, but thank god for call waiting.

Of the 14 thawed (yep, they thawed them ALL), 10 have made it to the dish. Actually, I'm not sure if they're in a dish or in something else. Again, this is pretty consistent with their quoted thaw rates-75% of 14 would be 10.5. I can't say I wasn't hoping for 11, but beggars can't be choosers. Of the 10, the front runners are two embryos that are currently at 7 cells. These two are already ahead of the two that we transferred last cycle (the transfer was the day after thaw, equivalent to today for this cycle). But they looked at them later in the day than they normally would, so it is difficult to say whether they are more advanced or not. Next in line are two embryos that are at 6 cells, three at 5 cells, two at 4 cells and one at 2 cells.

Here's a recap:

2-7 cell
2-6 cell
3-5 cell
2-4 cell
1-2 cell

Here are some sites with pictures of embryos (not ours obviously) if you are interested:

One

Two

Three

Four

According to the embryologist, the ones that are 4-6 cells are all considered "on track" at this stage for a Day 5 transfer and taken with the 2 possibly more advanced embryos, we have 9 embryos in the running. The poor embryo that is at 2 cells likely won't make it, but you never know.

I feel like I should name them and have people gamble on them like horses.

















Which two will make it across the finish line first? Except that if they don't make it to a high-enough quality blast to be re-frozen, they will die and be discarded. Huh, kind of like horses who get injured. I don't think they make them into glue like horses, though. Sorry. Off on a tangent here.

Time to take some deep, cleansing breaths. This cycle has me on pins and needles. Every time the phone rings, my heart starts racing. I was told to expect another phone call from the lab again tomorrow regardless of whether we are on track for a Day 5 transfer (Wednesday), or if they are calling to tell me to get my butt to the surgery center ASAP for a Day 3 transfer (tomorrow). Jeez, if I thought it was difficult to get anything done at work last week, I had no idea. Tomorrow and Tuesday are gonna be tough.

Nesting *Updated at the bottom*

Went in for blood draw this morning, so now I'm waiting for a phone call from both the nurse and the embryologist for instructions for Wednesday. I spoke with one of the nurses yesterday when she called to confirm how many embryos we wanted to thaw. I told her initially they recommended all 14, but I had asked about 10 and was told that was fine, but no less than 10. I finally just told her that I wanted them to do whatever the doctor thought was best. So I actually have no idea how many they thawed yesterday or how many made it through the thaw. We should find out this afternoon.

In addition to the pro.metrium, I started 2 viv.elle patches yesterday and today I start the tetra.cycline and me.drol. I also started back up with the baby aspirin. This wasn't actually part of the protocol, but when I asked, I was told it couldn't hurt.

In the meantime, I'm busy nesting and getting ready for 2 days of bed rest. For me this involves renting movies, loading up my ipod, doing laundry (all dirty clothes, plus sheets, towels, and even the duvet cover). I'm also going to see if we can get the guest bedroom ready for our visitors today, so that I can avoid too much work next weekend when I am PUPO. Sounds like a fun Sunday, huh? I bet you're jealous.

*Update*
Blood work all came back good. Still no word on thaw, but I was told they decided to thaw all 14. Yikes!

Today's tune is "Falling Slowly" from the Once soundtrack. We rented the movie last night and, while I wasn't impressed with the movie itself, the music was great.

The theme of today's photo is:

















Here are some pictures of Scout when she was a puppy. She was soooooo soft. She's still pretty soft if she gets a close grooming and you can feel her undercoat. She used to sleep in the strangest positions. Sorry, I've gone a little overboard with the puppy pix. It is too hard to pick just one or two.

P4 Levels and Sandals

The results of my blood work today revealed that my progesterone level is not increasing as quickly as preferred. So I find myself at home on a Friday afternoon at 3:30pm lying horizontal on the couch so that the pro.metrium will absorb. I don't know why I didn't prepare and bring the pro.metrium with me to work today. I guess I was expecting everything to go smoothly. Have I learned nothing from the past 2 years?

The nurse said the low P4 level is nothing to worry about and easily fixable by starting the supps a day early. So of course, now I'm worried. At least I got to leave work a little early.

Tomorrow I add the estrogen patches. We're going to try rubbing My.lanta or something similar on my skin prior to applying the patches this time to see if it helps with the irritation. My only other option was taking Es.trace vaginally and I just didn't want to deal with that. It's bad enough that the pro.metrium has to be taken that way and causes you to ooze all day long. I didn't want to have freaky blue leaking out of me at the same time. And really there's only so much room up in there right? Sorry for the TMI.

Today's tune is "Little Black Sandals" by Sia. Someday I'll have little black sandals that will walk me away from this IF crap.

Today's photo's are some from our trip to Italy in May of 2006. The first one is a picture of the River Arno in Florence. The second one is obvious. The third is another picture of the River Arno, but taken in Pisa.

Correction

I received a phone call from the nurse today telling me that (1) I need to come in for blood work tomorrow to check progesterone level and (2) our transfer is scheduled for Wednesday, not Tuesday. Apparently the nurse forgot to tell me about the progesterone check last night, as it should have been today, but she's human and allowed to make mistakes once in awhile. And apparently someone counted wrong when figuring the correct day for our 5 day transfer. I know that these two things in isolation shouldn't mean anything, but the fact that they both happened at the same time gave me a bit of an uneasy feeling. Like the clinic is disorganized and we could have just as easily missed something or transferred on the wrong day. I don't know that it would even make that big of a difference, but you never know. There is a reason they try to time this just so, right?

In case you are wondering, I'll explain how the days work with a frozen transfer when they are trying to grow the embryos to blast for a day 5 transfer. I had to have the nurse explain it to me because I was a bit fuzzy on how it compares to a fresh cycle. Normally with a fresh cycle, the day of the retrieval is considered Day 0 and they try to grow the embryos to blasts and do a 5 day transfer, meaning a transfer 5 days after the retrieval (Day 5). They check the embryos 3 days after the retrieval and if they aren't doing as well as you would hope, they would call you in and do a Day 3 transfer based on the theory that the embryos might do better in their natural environment (the uterus)-(have I explained this before? it feels like I have). If they are doing well, they keep growing them until Day 5 and do the transfer then. By this time the embryos should be at the blastocyst stage and may even be starting to hatch out of their outer shell.

In a frozen transfer where the embryos were frozen the day after retrieval (Day 1 or at the 2pn stage), standard protocol at our clinic is to thaw and transfer the next day, which is the equivalent of a Day 2 transfer. I'm not sure why this is their standard protocol. To get to a 5 day transfer in an FET like I am doing, Day 0 is the day of ovulation (which corresponds to the day of retrieval in a fresh cycle), which should be tomorrow. The trigger shot was given yesterday evening and it triggers ovulation in 36 hours which means I should ovulate tomorrow morning. So, if tomorrow is Day 0, counting 5 days with Saturday being Day 1, Day 5 is Wednesday. Make sense?

So after I told my boss I was going to be out Tuesday through Thursday next week (or maybe Monday and Tuesday if the transfer ended up being Sunday) I had to go back and revise that to Wednesday through Friday (or Monday through Wednesday). I'm sure I thoroughly confused him. Oh well. And B, my mom and my friend Rhonda have all been rearranging their schedules to make sure I'm not alone on bed rest days. Shucks, I feel so special!

Today's photo is one of my favorites from our trip to Great Britain in May 2005. It was taken at Sterling castle in Scotland while I was walking behind B with the camera. Again, shadow contrasting with light. I think I must be obsessed.



















Today's song is "Gronlandic Edit" by Of Montreal. For some reason I love the line "physics makes us all its bitches."

Let's Get This Party Started...

We triggered tonight! I wasn't surging on my own, but my lining is ready and the follicle was big enough. We are schedule for transfer on Tuesday! They will thaw 10 embryos on Saturday (and leave 4 in the freezer) and try to get them to grow. If they don't do so well, we could get a call Sunday telling us to come in for transfer then. But if some grow well, they'll try to grow them until Tuesday and any leftovers will be refrozen.

So the natural part of the cycle is now over. Saturday I start progesterone and estrogen patches and Sunday I start the med.rol and tetra.cycline. I'm skipping the PIO shots this time and going with the supps. I'll have to figure out how to stay horizontal for 30 minutes at work during the day somehow. At this point, it just seems easier than the PIO shots. I'm still sore from the last round which was stopped 3 1/2 weeks ago. I've asked two separate nurses how long it takes for the tissue to go back to normal after you stop PIO shots. One told me up to 6 months and the other said up to a year! Crazy.

The nurse is going to check with the doc tomorrow to see if I can do est.race instead of the estrogen patches because of the reaction I've had to the adhesive in the past. If he says yes, she will ask if orally is okay instead of supps, but I'm not getting my hopes up on that one.

All in all, I still can't believe we're here, in this place. Last week was so sucky and today has been so great. I wish last week I could have known where we would be this week and then I could have avoided my freak out. Hindsight, right? Kind of like I wish I could know today that in a matter of months (or maybe a year? Two years? Whenever) we would have a baby. Wouldn't that be great if we could just KNOW it would happen eventually and that way we could just sit back and trust that it will work?

The theme of today's photo is:















I had to post two for this one. One from the beach and one in the mountains. The beach shot is from Maui on our honeymoon in July of 2004. The mountain shot is somewhere west of Crested Butte along Highway 12 around Kebler Pass taken in September 2007.


































Today's song is "A Postcard to Nina" by Jens Lekman.

In Shock

Somehow my lining managed to grow from 4.4 to 8.0 in only 3 days. I'm in shock! I guess I'm a late bloomer, huh? Today is CD 22. My follicle is at 1.85, so ready for surge any day now. More later today after I get results from blood work.

Maybe that letter to my body really kicked my uterus into shape.

Thanks for all your well wishes!

Luck Needed

Tomorrow is our next lining check and our next appointment with Sage. Wish us luck!

Per Amanda's request, today's photo is a snow shot. This is our mini schnauzer, Scout looking for an escape route after the Christmas blizzard December 2006. I think she was pissed off about the jacket.






















Today's tune is "The Story" by Brandi Carlile. I hope someday the lines on my face tell a worthwhile story.

Threshold

Not much to say today. Just a busy day at work filled with meetings and an obligatory dinner (which is why I'm posting this from work as I will be home late today).

In response to some of your questions, I'm not sure what our lining threshold is for moving forward with a transfer. Last month we moved forward with 6.5 and got a BFN. That being said, it was a medicated cycle and maybe the lining will be more receptive naturally even if it isn't any thicker. Whatever we decide, it will be based on the recommendation of the RE. We have to put all of our trust in him at this point.

For today's photo, I've chosen another one that contrasts light and shadow (I think I must be obsessed). This one was taken in Silverthorne, Colorado last July. Again, click on the picture to view a larger version.

















Sorry no new song today (I can't access it from work).

Holding the Limbo Stick

I'm still in limbo. My one brave follicle is now at 1.6 (up from 1.3 two days ago), so I should be ready to ovulate in about 2-4 days. My lining is only at about 4.5. Assuming my lining was at 3.5 on Friday (which I'm not entirely sure of) and it continues to grow at the same rate, it should be around 5.5 in 2 days (Tuesday) or 6.5 in 4 days (Thursday) and we would be back to the point where we were with our last FET, but without drugs. Once I surge, the transfer would be 5 days later, so that gives the lining more time to grow. Who knows.

The doctor wants to keep plugging away and see what happens since my follicle is still growing. I go back in at 7:15am Wednesday morning for another lining check and blood draw. We also have another appointment with Sage on Wednesday afternoon so looks like I'll have a CCRM book end to my day on Wednesday. Lovely.


The theme of today's photo is:









This is the rear end of our dog Molly. It can be truly filthy and foul at times.
















This one doesn't really fit in with today's theme, but I just took it out in our driveway and I like it.
















Today's Tune is "Sometimes Always" by Jesus and Mary Chain with Hope Sandoval (from Mazzy Star). I'm kind of picturing my head and my uterus singing this duet. Which part do you think each should sing?

Confused and Photo Journal Challenge

I received a voicemail from the nurse last night. We were just sitting down to dinner with some friends at a restaurant, so we missed the call around 6:30pm. The voicemail just said that the doctor reviewed the ultrasound pictures and blood results and wants me to come in for another lining check on Sunday morning.

What? I don't really see the point of this, but since I was listening to a voicemail, I couldn't ask what exactly they hope to gain by taking another peek in there. I don't get it. I have to be getting close to ovulation at this point and I just don't see how my lining could possibly grow quick enough to make a difference. Is there something they hope to learn by checking again? Did the blood results reveal something that made them want to check again? I'm very confused. I'm waiting for a call back from a nurse today to ask my questions.

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I have no idea if I'll stick to it at this point, but I thought I'd participate in Alison's idea for Photo Journal Challenge. I will attempt to post one picture per day for the entire month of March.

Here's the first picture for your viewing pleasure. Taken somewhere near Tennessee Pass. It's a little hard to see when the picture is so small, but the sunlight is shining on one of the Colorado fourteeners (Mt. Massive, Mt. Elbert?). I can't remember which peak. Click on the pic to see a larger version.


















Today's song is Ain't No Reason by Brett Dennen. Off one of my fav albums at the moment.

It's a Bust

No change in my lining. The tech even had trouble measuring because it is so thin. So much for our natural cycle. My body, the traitor. Just waiting for the nurse to call this afternoon with the recommendation from the doctor, but we all know the answer. The real question is what he will recommend going forward.

No matter how hard I try to prepare myself for these let downs, I still can't control my emotions. I didn't go into the office because I couldn't stop the tears. So now I'm at my parent's house, hanging out with my mom and trying to think of some way to distract myself from all of this.

At least it is sunny and warm outside.

Unlike my dark, barren uterus.

Today's Tune had to be a Cure song.