Calling All Colorado Lurkers

Two posts in one day? Well, I forgot to mention the next meet-up for the ColoBloggers! We will be heading to the Bel.mar theaters to see Se.x and the C.ity tomorrow for the 1:10pm viewing. We will meet up around 12:30pm in front of the theaters.

I am going to do my best to be there. I really don't want to miss it, so I'm going to try to suck it up and get down there to hang with my girls (although I reserve the right to cancel last minute if need be). Hopefully the movie will distract me from how I feel for a couple of hours.

Any of you lurkers out there are welcome to join us if you're in the area. You'll recognize me by my green face, water bottle, and purse full of food.

Pretty Good Day

Today's ultrasound showed about 6+ follies on lefty and 9-10 on righty, so we're back to about 15-16. They are ranging from about 1.5 to 2.0, so looking pretty good. And my lining (drum roll, please) is measuring at 7.5. Either my lining has just decided that it is a slow learner, or it is responding to the vi.agra and es.trace. Regardless, it is growing and is now within a range that they should be comfortable with a transfer. One problem on the mend.

After my appointment, I met up with the ColoBlogger girls again. It was good to see everyone and hear what's new in people's lives (cycling, waiting, preparing for surgery, blogging). I had fun surprising the girls with my "fun box" of vi.agra suppositories. Everyone oohed and aahhed and I felt oh so special with my very own box o'fun. They don't look anything like the little blue pill you would expect. They are about an inch (and a half?) long white, waxy, bullet shaped things. Much larger than the other pills and suppositories that I've had to shove up my hooha over the past year and a half, but then again, they are much smaller than other things (you know, tampons, dildo cam, etc.). Sorry, going off on a tangent here. When I first opened the box yesterday, I actually thought maybe I was looking at little styrofoam pieces that were holding the individual little blue pills. No such luck.

I had a yummy breakfast panini (complete with salty bacon) and drank a ton of water. Thank goodness it only took me 20 minutes to get home because I thought I was going to pee my pants. I am peeing constantly the last couple of days with all the fluid intake. And today I discovered that I don't mind the taste of vitamin water. It has electrolytes, like gat.orade, but without the horrid taste. It doesn't have any sodium, but I figure I'm getting enough of that in my diet. Snacking on some salty popcorn as we speak (I mean, as I write). So I'm gonna go stock up on the vitamin water later today.

The nurse called back just a few minutes ago with my instructions to keep all of my meds the same and come back in tomorrow morning. My E2 was around 2,500 today. It sounds a bit high to me, but at least it didn't double. I seem to remember it continuing to double last cycle and that's how it escalated so quickly resulting in our freeze all. I did ask the nurse if that level was normal or cause for concern at this point and she said it was fine. I don't fully believe her as she was the nurse I saw this morning who didn't bother even reviewing the ultrasound results with me and just asked "do you have any questions?" That mode of operation doesn't really do much to build my faith in her knowledge. But since I know Dr. S was the one reviewing charts today, and in keeping with my new motto of "let go and let Dr. S," I'm going to believe her that it is "fine."

It is amazing to me that some of these nurses don't tell you anything and just expect you to be fine with that. I had to ask her for my E2 level and then ask if that was normal. Do they just think we are willing to assume everything's great and not worry about it? I am way too much of a control freak for that.

Ah, Weekends

Why can't weekends be longer? Or more frequent?

Yesterday I spent a leisurely day at the outlets with Nancy talking, shopping, eating. And the pocket of fluid really wasn't noticeable until she pointed it out (don't worry, Nancy, it doesn't look like a goiter at all). It just made me wonder, yet again, why all of this has to be so hard. Nancy's retrieval experience sounds like it was just as horrible (with the same end result of a freeze all) as mine. Why can't it just go smoothly for anyone I know? Seriously.

I spent an hour in the sunshine this morning picking up dog poop remnants from the parts of the yard that don't see the sun much in the winter. Piles of snow sat over the poop for long, frozen months, turning it into some kind of petrified thing that no one would want to encounter. I know this sounds pretty gross, but it was actually a nice morning. I was in the sunshine, by myself, just me, the dogs and the birds. And for once, the neighborhood dogs weren't barking. Which meant Scout wasn't barking. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal, but those of you who know Scout know what a miracle this truly is. A whole hour of peace and poop.

This afternoon was family time. We went with my parents and my grandma to see this exhibit and then went to an early dinner at this restaurant. A good time was had by all and I was home in time to take my 7pm Lu.pron shot. Speaking of Lu.pron...

EB has returned. The beginning of this post makes it sound like it was such a nice weekend. Parts of it were, but Saturday evening, I was a raging bitch. Everything made me FUMING mad. For no apparent reason. I can hear myself, see myself becoming this horrible person I don't like, but I CAN'T HELP IT. It is like my body and mind has been taken over by this alien who's sole purpose in life is to HATE and be ANGRY. It makes me feel so pathetic and hopeless. I loathe this drug. The next couple of weeks are going to be rough.

In case you were wondering, I am still spotting. I spoke with the nurse this morning and she is not concerned. It's a big relief to me. You see, I take my last BCP tomorrow and then I'm supposed to have a period a couple of days later. That is what jump starts the cycle. It prompts the first ultrasound and bloodwork and assuming all goes well, stims. I was worried that after 6 days of spotting, there would be nothing left for a period and we'd be cancelled-starting over. The nurse assured me that I will still likely have a period. It might just be lighter than normal which is fine by me-as long as it comes.

I remember during my first fresh cycle how overwhelming the process seemed. At the time I almost wished I had been through one cycle already so that I would know what to expect. So the shots, appointments, procedures wouldn't be such a big deal to me. In recent weeks I've actually been longing for my early days of IVF where I had no idea how many things could go wrong. Ignorance is bliss, and all that jazz.

The "what ifs" are now what has become overwhelming. What if I spot too much and don't get a period. What if I'm not properly suppressed. What if we don't find the proper dose of stims for my body. What if we don't get enough follicles. What if we get too many follicles. What if I hyperstimulate. What if B's hernia surgery coincides with my retrieval or transfer. What if he is in too much pain to "perform." What if the eggs aren't mature or don't fertilize. What if the embryos don't grow. The what ifs go on and on.

So it seems that no matter which side of this I find myself on, it is not any easier. The beginning was terrifying and the middle is terrifying. I just hope the end makes it all worthwhile.

Sage Advice and Hickies

It has been 3 days since my last post, which I think is a record for me. I've gotten in the habit of posting every day or maybe missing just one day here or there. We had our first appointment with the therapist yesterday and my head has just been spinning ever since. I didn't really feel like posting last night and I am trying to force myself to take short breaks away from IF related activities off and on (per the therapist's advice). This doesn't mean I'm going to stop blogging or reading all of my fav blogs. It just means that I need to force myself to stay away for a night here and there. It is going to be difficult for me-yes, I'm addicted.

Don't get me wrong, the therapist did not at all discourage me from blogging. In fact, she encouraged it. It's just that we talked about balance and the fact that my life has had no balance for quite some time now because I've been consumed with treatments. Even if it is only for an hour at a time, it would be healthy if I could go for short periods of time without even thinking about this stuff. The therapist (okay, I really need to giver her a name-let's call her Sage), Sage, seems to think that my thoughts are in my control and I can avoid thinking about things if I force myself not to. Definitely easier said than done. One of her other suggestions was for B and I to plan to do some fun non-IF related activities that we normally don't do. Something fun. Taking the dogs for a walk, going hiking, going to a museum. Something that will help us focus on something other than IF while we are together.

Other than that, we talked about the difference between men and women and how we process things (women are the talkers, men are the fixers) and how we could try to communicate in a different way that would make us both feel better. I think Sage is on the right track with us and we've agreed to go see her once a week until we get through this next cycle-pass or fail. We'll see what happens then.

On a separate note, I need to explain myself a little. Nancy noted in her ColoBlogger post that I was really quiet at our meet up on Saturday and that I didn't take my scarf off the whole time. I know it probably comes as a shock after reading my blog, but I actually can be quite shy when in larger groups (more than 3 people) that I haven't met before. I tend to sit back and absorb until I get comfortable, but once I'm comfortable, watch out--it all comes flying out and you won't be able to shut me up! I've always been this way. I can remember as a little kid when we'd go to my grandparents' house with all the cousins how I would be really shy and hide behind my mom's legs. After awhile (an hour?) I would venture out and become a normal kid.

Saturday was a little strange for me because I feel like I know all of the ColoBlogger ladies so well. I know intimate details that some of them would never tell their best friends. And yet, meeting in person still brought out all that initial shyness in me. I'm also really conscious in group situations about letting other speak and trying not to interrupt. And honestly, part of my quietness on Saturday was fascination. Fascination that a group of women who are just meeting for the first time can be so open, laugh, provide support so quickly-just like that. And the time just flew by.

As for the scarf, well a lady never tells....

No, really. I was freezing all morning and I'm not much of a coffee or tea drinker, so the scarf truly was just keeping me warm. I do this all the time at work during the winter because my office is always freezing in the mornings. Now I'm wondering if people are walking around at work thinking my neck is covered in hickies. Ooops.

ColoBloggers Rule!

Today was quite the amazing day. It was the first meeting of the ColoBloggers. We met at a cafe, ate, drank coffee and tea, laughed, and wiped away a few tears here and there. It's a funny thing meeting people in person for the first time when you know such intimate details of their lives. You feel like you've known them for years. They are your best friends, your sisters. It is amazing how this stuff bonds us so quickly. I was fascinated the whole time connecting faces to these stories. It was so cool to connect a blogging/emailing "voice" with a real voice in person.

I am so grateful to Lori for getting us organized. She is just as amazing in person as she is on her blogs. Her adoption stories had us all tearing up. Nancy is just as chatty and hilarious in person as she is on her blog. I love how open she is about everything. Spicy Sister joined us after blogging for only a week and I can't wait to hear more of her journey. Meg was so open and real--I can totally see her as a counselor!

And our non-blogging friends Heidi and K (not using your full name in case you are worried about some of our mutual friends reading this) were there. It was the first time I had met Heidi after meeting on a message board and emailing for some months. She is just as up beat in person as in her emails (I hope she rubs off on me...). K shared some very difficult experiences with us and I'm so happy she was able to come.

I was sorry Jen didn't make it, but we all understood and we hope she's doing okay.

We also missed a couple of other ladies for various reasons. All in all, the ColoBloggers are some of the most supportive, open women I've ever met and I'm looking forward to many more of these get togethers.

I also met my friend Rhonda for lunch today. Although she isn't going through IF, she is very supportive and sympathetic. Rhonda and I first met at work in 1998. I had just started she was spending her days out at a client and coming back into the office in the evenings. One of the guys at worked commented to me that I was going to like Rhonda because she wore silver rings just like me. I thought it was a silly comment at the time, but he was right and we've had an awesome friendship ever since. Rhonda commented earlier this week that based on Nancy's comments here, she thought Nancy might wear silver rings too. It was the first thing I confirmed when I met her this morning!

Rhonda-because you asked, here is a picture of just how big those PIO needles are. I don't know if this does it justice, but until I can show you in person, this will have to suffice. I've used my Black.berry as a frame of reference-something I figured you'd be familiar with. The one on the left is used to draw the oil into the syringe. The one on the right is used to inject (the needles twist off the syringes). They are 22g 1 1/2 inch needles. Enjoy!

ColoBlogger

Lori over at Weebles Wobblog has organized a ColoBlogger group and our first meeting is Saturday, February 16th. See this post for more info. You will also find the ColoBlogger icon on my sidebar. You can click on this icon to send an email to Lori for more details and to join in the fun.

One more sleep until the dreaded lining check tomorrow. Didn't sleep very well last night and not expecting to sleep very well tonight. Will update after the appointment when I can.