My Generation

There are 7 of us in my generation on my dad's side of the family. I have one brother, 6 boy cousins and I'm the only girl of the generation. Of the 7, I fall somewhere in the middle-4 are older than me and 2 are younger. When our generation first started having kids, I was nowhere near ready to even think about kids. My oldest cousin had the first kid of the next generation and that kid is now 10. Ten years ago I had just graduated from college and was about to start my first job out of school. I was still dating my college boyfriend at the time.

As time went on, the rest of the cousins started having kids, as did my brother. That isn't to say it was easy for all of them (although it seemed that way for many of them). I know there were some definite hardships along the way. There were two more babies born this summer, one just this week, along with a new pregnancy announcement this week. My grandmother now has 9 great grandkids with three on the way (including Apple and Banana). I am now the only one of our generation who still isn't a parent. It is a weird place to be.

It is definitely easier to stomach knowing that Apple and Banana are growing more each day, but once an infertile, always an infertile. I think this concept may be one of the most difficult things for people to understand about the infertility world. I don't think many people understand how permanent the wounds are if they haven't been through it. I'm not trying to sound exclusive about this (and who would want to be a part of this exclusive club anyway?), but it is just difficult for people to understand. Infertility isn't a wound that heals over once you see those two pink lines. It is a wound that keeps re-opening again and again. Over time, maybe it heals over and leaves a scar, but it is still there. Always. It becomes a part of who you are, for better or for worse.

For a long time now, I've heard happy news of pregnancies and births in my extended family and experienced a wide range of emotions. Excitement, happiness, loneliness, bitterness, desperation, anger, hurt, you name it. I had hoped that once I was safely pregnant the negative feelings would go away and I would be left with only the excitement and happiness. And it is ugly to admit that I still feel the rest of the feelings along with the good when I hear these announcements. It is ugly and selfish to admit that I can't focus entirely on the positive when a member of my family, who I love, gets the good news that they are expecting or when they welcome a new addition to the family. Emotions are funny like that. You can know all along that they are wrong and that you don't want them, you don't want to be that person. But you can't control what you feel, it just is. And you can't deny that you feel that way (not for long anyway).

I hope that by putting this out there, I'm not offending any of my family. (I've been sitting here now for 10 minutes with my mouse hovering over the "publish" button). That isn't my intent. I am honest about how I feel about things, almost always. They know that about me. Maybe those who read this will gain a better understanding of how this experienced has changed me. Or maybe they'll think I'm a selfish ass. Either way, it's out there and it's honest.

I can only wonder at this point if I'll feel differently once Apple and Banana are born. Maybe the scar will completely heal over at that point, but it will still be there. A daily reminder of what we went through to bring them into our family.

Ketones & Prizes

How long have I been pregnant? I'm only 9 weeks, but the last 4 weeks (and really more so 3 of the last 4) have lasted FOREVER. Time really goes slow when you feel shitty all the time and can't eat and drink like you are used to. And for someone who usually loves food (point finger at me), it's a little depressing to lose your appetite. Water isn't even appealing to me anymore. Although it isn't drastic, I have lost a little weight which is disturbing.

I called my OB's office today to complain (and cry, of course) that the zo.fran wasn't doing anything. I don't know why, but I can't seem to talk to a nurse anymore without crying. I just feel sorry for myself when I feel like vomiting constantly and I'm forced to tell someone about it. And I apparently turn into a pathetic, weepy mess. The nurse was convinced I was dehydrated and that would explain why the zo.fran wasn't helping. So they sent me to the hospital to get some IV fluids and IV zo.fran. I'm not sure how dehydrated I actually was as I have been keeping some fluids and food down, but I figured it wouldn't hurt. Last night was just dry heaving. Good times.

They checked my urine for ketones which according to the nurse at the hospital show up in your urine when you are dehydrated and your body burns fat to make up for the lack of fluids. Dr. Google says it is when your body burns fat for energy because you are lacking carbs, but whatever. I had no ketones, so that was good. They sent me home after a dose of zo.fran and two bags of fluid. Now that I am fully hydrated, the pills should work if I take them religiously every 8 hours. If that doesn't work, we will be looking into a zo.fran pump that delivers constant medicine subcutaneously (gee, wonder if insurance will cover that one). I guess it doesn't make sense to try something else because zo.fran is the gold standard of anti-nausea medication. This shit better work.

So after my lovely day, I came home to a wonderful surprise in the mail. It was my prize from Alison!
















She not only sent me a cd with some of her favorite songs, but it came with an explanation of why she likes each song and the cd was all wrapped up with a pretty bow. I'm a sucker for a pretty bow. I love music and this was just the perfect boost to a crummy day! I especially liked the description for song 14. which was Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around." The description is exactly how I feel about this song and good ole JT, "Closet fan and this song makes me move." Nuff said. Guess I'm out of the closet now!

So now I'm listening to some tunes thoughtfully compiled by one of my fellow bloggers while I sip some juice and hope my small dinner of toaster waffles stays put. Thanks for making my day, Alison!

A Long, Long Day (and a long post)

Yesterday was a really long day. After our appointment, we stopped on the way home to eat breakfast, pretty much in silence. Afraid to be happy about moving forward, but not sure whether to be upset anymore. In a weird limbo of confusion. I kept thinking the nurse would call back and tell us the doc had changed her mind. When we got home, B started getting ready for the wedding and I decided to skip the ceremony to get some work done. He left for the ceremony and I worked until he got home.

I went upstairs to pull together everything we would need for the first PIO (progesterone in sesame oil) shot this morning. In doing so, I realized I wasn't sure which needle to use for the actual injection. There was one set of needles (already attached to syringes) that were labeled to draw up the oil. You were then supposed to remove that needle and attach a smaller (albeit still very long, large) needle. However, the only separate needles I had didn't match the size listed on our instruction sheet (even though they were labeled to inject PIO). And the only needles I had that were the right size were attached to syringes and meant to mix other medication (from my fresh cycle).

I immediately called the nurse to ask what to do. She told me that I could take the correct size needles off the syringes to use and that when I come in on Monday they can give me new needles. Apparently if I had used the separate needles that were labeled for injecting PIO, it would have been very difficult to get the thick oil out of the needle. Problem solved. I had completely forgotten that they were going to call with the results of the blood draw from the morning until she said they had the results back. My estrogen level was at 4,000! This sounded really high to me as it is approaching the level I had during my fresh cycle and my bout with OHSS (on its way up to a peak of 10,000). The nurse said she had left a message for the RE, but that she was sure he would still let me go through with the transfer.

I don't quite understand why it was so dangerous during my fresh cycle, but they aren't worried this go round? The nurse said it would be a problem if I were taking a trigger shot (HCG) to do a retrieval, but it shouldn't be an issue for just a transfer. What I didn't think about until after we hung up the phone was that HCG is the chemical your body produces when you get pregnant (this is the chemical that pregnancy tests measure). So I still have a nagging feeling I will get a call any minute to tell me the doc wants to cancel the cycle. It will be a miracle if we make it to transfer Tuesday without any additional scares.

Now to the wedding. The wedding was quite a reunion for us. We know the groom from the firm B and I both used to work at (and where we met 9 1/2 years ago) and many of the guests were also old coworkers. It was really fun to see people we hadn't seen in years. However (as the rest of you IF bloggers will relate to), when you are in your 30's and you see people you haven't seen in years, there are inevitably major life changes that you have missed. A marriage, a divorce, a pregnancy, a birth (or 2). The theme of last nights reunion was pregnancy. B warned me on the way there of one pregnancy. He did not, however, warn me of the second one he had just seen at the ceremony. And he didn't know about the third one because they weren't at the ceremony. These were just the people we know. There were at least 3 other very obviously pregnant women at this wedding reception along with a very newborn baby.

Among the questions/comments I got from these women (those who were pregnant and those with kids at home, some women who I know and others who I had just met):

1. Do you have kids? (No.) Enjoy it while you can!

Thanks. Yes, I'm really enjoying the heartache, mood swings, anger, frustration, shots, pills, suppositories and isolation of not having kids. Love it.

2. Did you know S is pregnant again? (No.) Did you know she got divorced? (No.) Huh. Well, she got divorced and now she's pregnant with #2 with her new boyfriend. She's really happy. (Good for her.)

This gem was shared with me by an old coworker who is currently 7 months pregnant with her second (yes, we've been lapped again) while she rubbed her pregnant belly.

3. Are you drinking water? You'd better stop unless you want to get pregnant! Look at all the pregnant women here! It must be in the water, just like it was last time S and I were both pregnant at the same time. (HaHa.)

Spoken by the same woman as number 2 above.

4. Oh, wasn't that weird when S and I were both pregnant and then M got pregnant too? Oh, doesn't M work at the same office as you again now? (Yes.)

Again, spoken by the same woman as number 2 and 3 above (this was my favorite conversation of the night--note sarcasm here). Fun factoid: when M got pregnant at the same time as this woman and S, it was her second child of a second father, neither of whom she married and she no longer speaks to either of the fathers (and one of them was in prison for awhile). Not to mention that everything this woman does screams of white trash. Life is SO fair.

On a positive note, the good thing about letting all of our closer friends know about what we are going through is that no one has to ask "so when are YOU GUYS having kids?" Word has slowly spread from our circle of close friends to our broader circle of friends we don't see too often. All of these people were very respectful and didn't even ask why I was drinking water all night. That was a relief. We did have one little mix up though.

When asked by various people why I wasn't at the ceremony, B had told one person that I was at a doctor's appointment (not sure why he didn't just tell the truth and tell her I was working). Her immediate response was, "on a Saturday? Is everything okay?" This person happens to be good friends with one of the groomsman (who was B's best man in our wedding). She apparently told him about this awkward conversation with B and so P (the groomsman) got concerned and came up to B at the reception to ask him if everything was alright.

Apparently B hadn't told P about our problems, which I found a little strange because he is one of B's closest friends. But he does live in another state and we only see him about once a year and I guess the topic just never came up (P is a single, gay man and so doesn't really ask those types of questions-how refreshing!). Anyway, at the end of the night as we were saying goodbye, P was pretty hammered, gave me a hug and a kiss and then looked at my face, down at my belly and back up at my face again. I'm pretty sure I know exactly what he was thinking and I wish we could have talked. He's always given me good advice and even though he can't relate to this problem, it felt wrong not to talk to him about it. Maybe next time.

It was past midnight by the time we got home and I was exhausted. We got up early this morning to do the first PIO shot and it went off without a hitch (this is the shot that goes all the way into the muscle in the upper buttock region). I have to say, B didn't seem nervous at all and just jabbed it in my rear all matter of fact like. He removed the needle and rubbed the spot for a bit and then I laid on a heating pad for about 10 minutes. So far no lump forming, but the muscle is already sore. These are gonna be fun.

Today I'm doing a ton of laundry and trying to clean up the house a bit to get ready for my bedrest this week. That's it for now. If you've made it through this whole post, thanks for sticking around!

Loserville

I thought I had successfully avoided the baby shower at work this morning until I discovered there had been a mix up with the food and the shower was delayed. I am now sitting in my office with the door shut and the lights off while the rest of my department celebrates two doors down the hall. I feel like such a loser.

But at least I'm a loser who is sitting straight up without her legs crossed, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, trying to take deep breaths and think positive thoughts.

Wired Part Deux

2nd round of shock therapy was today. It was pretty similar to yesterday, except I didn't feel quite as much of a "weight" on my back. She let me go an extra 10 minutes today for good measure since this is the last appointment before my next doppler U/S on Saturday. Having really mixed emotions about that appointment. I want it to be over and done with, but I really don't want bad news. I will not be a pleasant person to be around if we get postponed or cancelled this cycle (not that I'm all that pleasant to be around right now anyway).

I think what's adding to my anxiety about Saturday is that we have a wedding to go to (1pm ceremony/7pm reception) and I may have a very hard time being social and happy around other people if this appointment doesn't go well. Why can't I just crawl into a hole in the ground and not come out until I have a baby in my arms?

*Edited to add* Oh, I forgot, she also sat down with me afterwards to talk about other "things" we can do to help the blood flow. The other things included avoiding caffeine (done), drinking lots of water (done), walk around, move around or get some exercise (I'm trying) and avoid sitting with my legs crossed (huh?) or being hunched over. I immediately uncrossed my legs and sat up straighter. She thinks that sitting hunched over or with your legs crossed cuts off blood supply. I guess it makes sense, I just never thought twice about sitting with my legs crossed (which I pretty much do ALL day long at work every day). Oops.*

On a more positive note, Jen got some amazing news today! Yay Jen!!!

The Dichotomy of a Pressure Point

For some reason, when one of my coworkers announced her pregnancy, I decided to tell her about our IF treatments. It wasn't so much that I wanted to let her know how lucky she is (at least not consciously), but rather that I was trying to find some common ground with her. She is an easy person to talk to and she told me she had a friend who was successful on their 5th attempt at IVF. Yes, another friend of a friend who it has worked for.

This was back in November-ish (can't remember exactly when, but it has been awhile). Friday I found myself blissfully free of meetings at work and actually spent most of the day in my office for a change. Around 4pm, this coworker came into my office and shut the door and said in a whisper, "So it's been awhile since we've talked. Do you have any news? Are you pregnant yet?" I was taken aback and wasn't really sure how to respond to this question.

I guess for awhile there I forgot that telling people actually means they are EXPECTING this to work. Not just eventually, but NOW. And this is where SO much of the pressure comes from. I can't say I blame them. Before I knew anything about IVF and IF, I certainly thought this was going to be a sure thing. Hey, if trying naturally doesn't work, we can try IUI's and then if THAT doesn't work, there's always IVF. Because of course IVF will work. And of course, if for some outlandish reason IVF doesn't work, we can always adopt right? Except that's not how it works. It is NOT that easy and it is NOT a sure thing.

How do we get this impression? Is it because the media makes IVF and adoption look so easy? Is it because our parents told us we could have anything we want if we worked hard enough? Is it because for the most part, this has been true up until this point in our lives? Is it because there are so many people that IVF DOES work for? They are all over the message boards and in the blogosphere and so are the successful adoption stories. Except that there are also those in our virtual world that have been through all of it and came out on the other side with nothing to show for it other than matching piles of debt and bitterness. Those who have "chosen" to live childfree lives or are still dealing with the harsh realities of IF treatments and adoption nightmares.

In any other Lu.pron cycle, I would likely have blown up at this coworker and told her what an insensitive, thoughtless, idiot she is for asking me that question. I would have offered to give her daily updates of my E2 levels and lining measurements. I would have asked if she wanted to see the red welts on my belly from the patches or the tiny red dots and small bruises surrounding my belly button from the shots. Would she like to come over to my house and witness the small pharmacy taking up a spare bathroom counter? I would have thrown all of that in her face in anger, melted down and ran out of the building crying hysterically. Or at least, I would have imagined doing all of those things in my head, held my tongue, smiled and said something like "Oh, not yet. I have a meeting to get to!"

But the weird thing is, none of these thoughts went through my head. I have no idea why, but the rage I've experienced during past Lu.pron cycles simply isn't present this go round (which is maybe why I was so paranoid that the Lu.pron wasn't working). I simply thought, "huh, this is a little awkward," and then I realized how much she was really hoping for good news. And I thought about how sweet that was of her. She wanted to know that I was happily entrenched in pregnancy land before she gave birth and left for her maternity leave. She offered to let me use all of her pregnancy books and maternity clothes, and countless other baby items. She had her hopes up for me and wanted good news going into her weekend.

And I let her down. Someone I only casually know, who barely knows me, and I've still managed to let her down. Once I realized this and before I could think better of it, I started updating her on my progress. Trying to sound upbeat and optimistic. Telling her about the D&C and how we are starting fresh and about this FET. Before I knew it, she knew the expected date of my transfer AND my beta date. So now, not only do all of you, dear readers, know all of these dates and have your hopes pinned on this cycle right along with me, but now one of my coworkers does too. And she's pregnant and emotional and now I've upset the pregnant lady. I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut and now the pressure is really on.

At the end of our conversation, she said that now she was depressed that I didn't have better news. And I left work thinking about how, yet again, I have mixed emotions. I am touched and flattered by her kindness in being disappointed for me. And I also feel guilty for letting yet another person down. Obviously I know that it was nothing I did, nothing I had control over. But there it is.

The Baby Showers

As I think I've mentioned before, two women in my department at work are pregnant. On Monday an invitation came out inviting the whole department to a joint baby shower. It just so happened that the shower was scheduled on the morning I was originally supposed to go in for my U/S. Now that the U/S has been moved up to the 22nd, I'm stuck in a weird place. I know I can't handle going to this shower. Watching them open gifts, talk about nurseries, pregnancy symptoms, how big they are getting, and on and on and on. I can just see myself sitting through the shower with a smile pasted to my face and then retreating to my office and having to shut my office door for the rest of the day and try to stop the tears. But I obviously can't show up to work and NOT attend the shower (which will be in a conference room 2 doors down from my office).

It is not their fault that I have this problem. I should be a strong enough person to be happy for them. I shouldn't be this selfish. But I'm not strong enough and I am selfish. So there, I've said it. At this time, I'm already planning to claim I have a doctor's appointment (even if I don't) and will just come into work late that day. I can't believe that this is what it has come to. This is who I've become. Sad, but true.

Greeting Cards

Yesterday I found myself in front of that section of the greeting cards that infertiles hate. The baby section. Not to mention I was in the store where all the babies congregate (Target). B and I were picking out a new baby card for some friends of ours and it wasn't bad at all because we were actually happy for these friends. *I should edit that to add that B is always happy for whichever friend or family member gets pregnant. I, on the other hand, move quickly between happy, envious, angry, sad, and back again.

I picked up one card and was shocked to see these words "We're Expecting!" I had no idea they made cards for people to announce a pregnancy. I guess it makes sense because most normal people get to announce a pregnancy in some fashion to the family and friends with nothing but excitement and maybe a little nervousness. This is something that being infertile robs you of. Even when you do achieve that blessed state of pregnancy, you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to be told it was a mistake, just kidding, waiting for something to go wrong. After all, nothing has been easy in this process, so why should that change?

I admit that I don't know this from experience, but rather from my fellow bloggers who have actually been there. But I can understand how this happens. Because even when a cycle seems to be going as smooth as can be, you are still wondering what will go wrong next. I just can't imagine finally getting pregnant and being willing to jinx it all by sending out an announcement. On paper! Superstitious much?

Here is an update on the peace lily, the flower is actually starting to open:

Another Anniversary

I have scheduled my post-op appointment for Monday morning, but I really have no idea what this entails. I suppose it is just a quick check from the doc to give us the go ahead to start our next cycle when AF decides to arrive.

I am exhausted from my first full day back at work. I have to work this weekend because we have two HUGE transactions closing next week. I really can't wait for next week to be over.

Next week also marks my third anniversary with my current employer. It is ridiculous to think about this now, but three years ago we were concerned about waiting to try to get pregnant for awhile so that I would hit my 2 year anniversary at work right before the first kid was born. At the 2 year mark, the maternity benefits at my work go from crappy to pretty darn good. It really seems stupid that we were concerned about this, but hindsight is 20/20, right?

I've been noticing this week that the two women in my department who are currently pregnant are chatting quite a bit more than they used to. Of course it may just be my uber-sensitivity kicking in and things are no different than they used to be, but it really seems to me like they have a lot more to chat about these days. I pass by them in the halls and imagine them comparing pregnancy symptoms, plans for nurseries, baby names (and on and on and on). It is just another reminder (multiple times a day) that I haven't been accepted into this club that I so want to be a member of. I've submitted my application so many times, each time filling it out more carefully, just to be rejected again. I just hope there's no limit on how many times we can apply. Oh, and I hope the person making the admittance decisions gets fired and replaced with my mom (she would definitely let us in).

On another note, one of my friends just gave birth to beautiful twin girls at 32 weeks yesterday (as some of you reading this already know). I called the husband last night to congratulate them and even while they are going through this really scary time, he still found time to express how they are pulling for us and how they know what we are going through must be really hard. It meant a lot to me. Our friends rock.

One of Those Days

It happened again. Another coworker announced a pregnancy. I don't quite understand why I don't just expect these announcements by now. I mean, you would think I'd be used to it and just expect that everyone around me is pregnant. Call it a survival instinct, from now on I'll just assume every woman I see is pregnant and every man has a wife who is pregnant. Or maybe I should just spend all my time in bars where people are drinking and obviously (hopefully!) NOT pregnant. Yes, that would be productive. I will quit my job and just go sit in a bar all day long. Sounds like a perfect plan. Anyone want to join me?