I'm having a mild panic attack about something kind of stupid. The night that I decided to start writing this blog, I was in a particularly anxious state of mind. After a freeze all dashed our hopes for our first IVF cycle, my first FET had been cancelled and I was facing the thought of a D&C. It was pretty late at night and I couldn't get my mind to stop racing. I couldn't sleep and the words were just dying to commit themselves to "paper." I was in no position to think up a name for my blog and settled on Freezer Buns only after numerous other ideas proved to be taken by other bloggers.
I didn't really think too much about the blog name and I didn't allow myself to think too far ahead about what the next couple of months would hold. I was living in the moment, the pain of that particular moment. It was clouding my vision. I honestly thought that the D&C would do the trick and our second attempt at FET would lead us to the pot of gold at the end of the long, horrible, exhausting rainbow. I thought we'd thaw some of our freezer buns, it would result in our first child (or two) and then we'd have plenty left to go back to when it was time to grow our family again. Sounds like a great plan, huh?
I'm now on the brink of another FET (I hope) and our RE is recommending we thaw all 14 freezer buns. I know this is a somewhat irrational fear because I have nothing to base it on, but I'm afraid that none of the 14 will make it to blast and we will have no freezer buns left. They will be thawed, but left out to die and never make it back into the oven. Not only would we have to go back to another fresh IVF cycle (and the first was not a pleasant experience for me), but I think at that point, we'd have pretty good evidence that our problem has something to do with egg quality. While it would be great to get rid of the banner of "unexplained" infertility, egg quality is not something I'm ready to deal with. It brings up all kinds of questions that I'm not ready to seek answers to yet.
And what would I do about this blog? Would I need to rename it? Would I keep the name in honor of our 18 freezer buns that would now represent our dashed hopes and dreams? Would I keep the name in the hopes that we would soon have new freezer buns waiting to pop into the oven? Wouldn't fresh buns be better?
I know this is premature and I shouldn't be worrying about this right now. But I shouldn't be in this position at all. I shouldn't be wondering if this will ever work. I shouldn't require medical intervention to conceive a child. I shouldn't be so obsessive about something I can't control. I shouldn't.
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5 comments:
The ideas behind your quandary of maybe having to change your blog name are tough to combat. I think you say it perfectly when you discuss that you are not ready to deal with the idea of losing all 14 or visiting the idea of poor egg quality.
I personally could not venture into any domain without a reason....like how until my HSG results, I had completely skipped EVERY blip of info on uterine anomalies. If there comes a time where you need to look into it, you will. And since I will have lots of free time on my hands since I am on hold for like ever.....I can help!!!! ;)
And for changing your blog name. I have seen it done and done beautifully. Your journey will all remain and somewhere in the midst of entries, you will explain why the shift happens....think of awesome reasons to change the name though!
Hang in there. I am crossing everything (including my freaking uterine cavity) for you to have a great lining this week!
Does it help that I thought freezer buns meant that living in colorado, as I obviously do too, you had a very cold ass? ~wink~
I understand, I really do. The what ifs are overwhelming and no one has figured out a "take each day as it comes and be peaceful about it" infertility drug (they've done a bang up job on the "nearing mental illness" fertility drugs though). The key I think is to try as much as possible to focus on the very many success stories out there, like the people who got pregnant with anorexic linings and those on their 2nd FET.
I was asking my RE how it could be possible that my lining could change so much in just two months. Her answer: "We don't know everything. Much of this is still a mystery." I'm pulling for that mystery to be in our favor at some point.
Hang in there.
I think your last paragraph really gets at the heart of the matter: you shouldn't be here. And that hurts, regardless of what brought you to this place.
I think we can't help but worry when our difficulties and troubles are "unexplained." Though I'm still a treatment rookie, I feel like a veteran to that particular type of IF torture. And thus, I really sympathize with what you're going through right now.
You'll know when it's time to change your blog name, and your devoted readers will happily follow you to a new home if/when you decide to take that step.
You shouldn't be here. It sucks. It's purgatory. All the waiting wondering waiting wondering.
It's a big decision to thaw all 14 little freezer buns, i wish i had some wiseness to say but i'm fresh out.
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